@Realness You wrote;
" I am still thinking of you and praying for you. I read your post in a different thread - with yours and your beautiful wife's goals that you are both working on. As I read it I had a picture of a new first date. How exciting it would be. Not worth all this pain, of course, but something that may happen in the future. I hope so."
Thank you for praying, that is most important that we both are surrounded by love and goodwill for we both need it big time.
@heartathome @Appleblossom @tyme @ENKELI @Shaz51 @AlwaysMyself
i beginning to think it is worth all the pain we are both going through. For 21 years i have been pursuing my wife where she got badly hurt by me, especially in the first 5-7 psychoses over a 10 year period of time when i raged out of control on my raging alter not knowing i did. And although we both love each other to bit, the triggers from both sides kept us apart all this time, to both our hurt.
However now that we have been watching the empaths videos we both begin to understand what went wrong much better. And my wife hiding her true self where she had been hurt, has come out fully now. Sure very ugly in some way. For who would leave a suicidal psychotic loved on his own for days on end? Or completely withdraw any support in one go? However i snapped when she snapped, so we ended up both at our weakest and most ugly.
My wife has to refind herself and so do i. We know we were in the way of each others healing no matter how well we meant and loved each other. The big issue for my wife has been me being an empath. i told i could see and hear those 'spirits' for i did not know myself i was an empath or that people like me are like that because of trauma. i only learned to understand that all the stuff that always happens to me happens to all empaths. My issue is having a psychosis and alters along with that ability making my inner world a chaotic mess when i have no TRUTH to hold onto. (That is why i love God's word so much.)
My need for truthfulness is so great that when i know people will lie about themselves or others, or hate or dislike me or people i love, i walk away. For i hate those deceiving spirits tormenting my eye sight 24/7 for days on end after that. Or until i can forgive that person for throwing such shit at me, or understand why they feel the way they do.
Also my intensity to find validation are diminishing every day. More and more i realise that when anger or other bad thoughts or feelings surface not to focus outside (for there is no one,) but to love it to death within myself, and let God's love for me heal me there. So that next time when people are nasty like that it does not put me on tilt any longer.
The hardest part for me is letting go of not being loved. My mum gave me massive sermons about stopping hiding behind my illness, and do this and do that, and don't be like this or that, and nonsense like that. Mum has not seen me for near 7 years. And it is true in years gone by i did hide behind my illness at times. However i have stopped doing that years ago already. i have been as sick as a dog, far to sick to hide behind it.
We both know now that much more the trouble has been my wife doing everything for me, and me therefore not making the effort to move away from where i am stuck with myself and in our relationship together.
Also now the nausea is really bad when it comes. i think because i hardly use any meds, not calming either. For using so much the last month to stay afloat has me need to reserve some, for if shit hits the fan over the next 3 months. It will take that long to get a new store. However the nausea has got considerable worse me doing that. Which has not been so nice.
Now i use antihistamine, the sleepy ones, to sleep and help calm my mind. Fantastic that i thought about an event 33 years ago when i had an allergic reaction and i took antihistamine how calm that made my mind then and how well i had slept that day. When i asked my wife i had been awake for 6 days, even using a lot of sleepers, and i knew that if i would not get sleep i be history.
So i asked my wife to take me some when she came around last week. i try to use less that the max amount allowed, but this does not always work yet. Especially when rock bottom my mind twists like anything with all the sadness welling up. i know (bad) psychosis can threaten then when the sadness overwhelms me, and i want out.Especially now i'm 24/7 in my past raging alter, although i think the merging has gone faster than ever and i see other self coming along every day more.
Yet now i'm learning that antihistamine has a very similar effect on my mind as anti-psychotics do, but do not depress me in any form or way. Rather a kind of dopey sense comes over me, which slows my mind down, very much like if i was on my calming meds. The problem is that it is bad for my kidneys and liver, and makes nausea worse not better, so i cannot use them full time
Wonderful really that after all these years i found something that will have me asleep within 1/2 hour. The only negative? Upset gut when i use max amount allowed and dreaming basically all the time i sleep. Some really nice ones, some really ugly ones, although i would not rate them nightmares. Yet it seems to settle my mind working things through in dreams. Often i wake up feeling like a new person as if the bad dream took the bad away awakening.
So yes finding myself back here on my own. Talking with Jesus basically all day long. Reading The word when lost and listening to videos on empaths as well as other trauma issues, and so i'm finally begin to discover how best deal with what has been my curse in life.
Seeing my wife and daughter Sunday lunch time. i promised them their favourite meat rolls for lunch and i will surprise both my wife and daughter with a really nice different than usual yogurt i made the other day for breakfast. i know they will love it. It is like perfection itself🤣 ( i love yogurt.)
(My wife wrote an email today in response to the one i send her last week discussing our issues. It was an very loving, clear and open email. Addressing the issues she has with me openly and no more hiding. The things she said are very much the kind of things i knew already but she had never opened up about them. So i was very happy to read she did. So good to see her do this finally and as loving and supportive as always, even though she cannot be with me, and i not be with her. (i love that woman so very, very much. Certainly worth praying, changing, working and waiting for. i 'll never let her out of my heart! No matter if she never comes back. i would treasure her deeply even then. For she would do it out of love for me as much as need for herself.))
Also passing a rather painful kidney stone since early this morning unfortunately.
