@Realness My dear friend my heart bleeds your words of comfort. so needed to hear them
@AlwaysMyself @Appleblossom @heartathome @tyme @ENKELI
Thanks it is horrible being the bad man not to be this happening in my raging alter. A true FIERY BAPTISM seeing the truth of our Lord appear in my heart then. Which is THE GOOD THING ABOUT ALL THIS.
i already know in my raging later i will not harm again, it are the crucify him crucify him all my bad deeds of my loved ones not understanding why suddenly i get so upset and hurt. And make them feel accused. All i want to do is kneel down and seek His countenance together so we can ALL be delivered.
THOSE VOICE say no way. My family is gone. My church prays, but no one comes or even sneds a message since saturday, then i got one, nothing since. The voice have been basically 20 hours a day at best or even longer since Wednesday. i am not psychotic. i'm not depressed. i'm hurting my family. i'm heart broken. Absolutely heart broken to find the end result of years trying to find the solution to what is and what is not true
For example what the voices in my head, which had long before she was in my life right, my wife thinks and feels about me is true. Then i never want to see her again. i understand she is very angry, this hurts me so, and i marvel that even though she is that angry she still looked after me for so long. and that i love her, but i will never believe that this is true.
Yet when she is angry those voices always tell me it is with me, even if she is angry with someone else. They blame me for my wife's anger. I KNOW she is not angry with me for i can SEE that. Yet i hear those voices at times like this 24/7 NEVER BELIEVING ANY OF THEM.
Yet then when she is triggered it comes out that she is angry. Of course she is. We both know that is true. But she is scared of me for in my previous psychosis i was angry with her listening to fear for me just because i was angry, and blinded stuff by me like that. Now she feels i'm always like that EVERY DAY behind her back doing all the thing she does faithfully lovingly. She is a wonderful person. While she thinks i'm angry with her for having a life outside of mine, which is not at all true but i love to know when she is angry without accusing but simply saying when you say, or do that, then i feel angry, for those voices lie all the time. Which SHE ALWAYS DOES OTHERWISE, but in her triggered self no way. SHE BLASTS ME HER HURT in the spirit that HURTS HER and ME and we both HATE THE most from opposite perspectives.
It has been so bad that i was on my knees pleading to my wife to please tell me show herself to me so i could kiss her and she screamed and yelled at me and i stood up and kissed her and said thanks So good to know i will do my best to believe you and try and make right what was wrong. And you know what happened. My wife let go of her anger and we kissed our hurt away that night it was awesome. So many moments we have had like this already. And all is good then. She can speak to me then otherwise not.
However although it was going really good with me - finding myself back and merging my alters. Of course she had hardship of course my desire is to stop that. BUT I CANNOT STOP THE VOICES THEY WERE THERE BEFORE SHE CAME INTO MY LIFE. i hate them.
That is why i ask after her pain so i could get to know her and we could begin to restore things in those broken parts the love of Jesus. My wife and me REALLY enjoyed that part. It are the triggers where my wife finds it harder to deal with me that the voices go ballistic now they taken her away from me without support, and that also still triggers me. That is why we are apart to both work on that. I LOVE THAT IS SO!
So it is not about always arguing not at all it is about me being so passionate about getting away from those voices and learning to understand my loved ones instead of no defense against their lies. for for years my loved ones hide their dislike and struggles from me, but that are the very reasons those voices use in my head to torment me, fro how can i fix things when they run away when i say please speak to me and they wont?
Now my wife, and them all, say just don't believe them. i do! i never believe them. but does that stop them! Nor my hurt being fired hell.
And then what about if i KNOW for sure at times they do, and i hurt that for them having become like that for they are never nice then either. i made them feel like that being sick.
Jesus has forgiven me my rages. i struggle no guilt from that perspective. He is right with me i have no lack of faith. it is my family not understanding my dilemma rightly feeling accused me trying to find out. So if they refuse to talk their is no mediator where i love and miss them, nor where i am a sick man and never wanted to harm any one, and as their dad longing for fellowship
This is where it went wrong.
I NEED THE LOVE OF MY WIFE SO MUCH HEARING THESE LOVELESS VOICES I CLING TO HER LOVE LIKE A PARASITE NOT KNOWING AT TIMES THAT IS FINE BUT NOT AT OTHER. this is asll am after i fully understand, and hurt the fact for her, that it is like that. Yet how can i know my wife when she does not talk? She does at other times. then she has FREE speech. For in the past when psychotic i urged them not listen to those spirits (I WAS IN) they were listening to, for as a loving family we do much better, not knowing they experienced me raging this at them an utterly mad man, gone out of his mind by those voices screaming their faces so it seemed to me THEY did. Even telling me to harm them. Luckily Jesus protected us.
THIS ALL OUR TRAUMA we ALL been healing from at different speeds. That now stops for they are AGAINST me trying to understand them hurting me. BUT THEY WILL HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, apart of scream at me triggered, or stay away, SO HOW CAN I EVEN know who is who in my head?
This is my torment them tormenting me. I NEVER DID ANY OF THIS DELIBRATELY. JESUS helps me through to teach me. But i still need people io can pray with. cry my pain with. trying to learn not to get fixated on my mental pain.
It is a no win situation right now. Good to see Jesus keeping watch though.
