Walking on the road to recovery ........ 🤔

I’ve wanted to update here for ages but keep getting caught up in those vicious circles of self doubt and worthiness. So I’m doing this instead.

The Good

surgery went really well - only down side was being allergic to the adhesive on the bandage. I managed to get through without any pain meds, not even Paracetamol......but I should say that it’s a genetic thing and nothing to with me being 'tough'. I’m a complete sook with a paper cut though.

The house here is more peaceful and calmer with a different dynamic.

Property settlement is finalised. No more lawyer or court yippee.

Awesome bit I hope - at least one of the wisteria cuttings seems to be striking. I also took cutting from a lilac tree I hope I can grow.

The Bad

I don’t know how the doing part will go getting the house ready for sale. It will be a crazy month.

Not sleeping unless I use sleeping meds....why I’m writing this at 1:30am.

Totally broke. First time I’ve had to borrow money from my son. I am not frustrated and my bills are more than I earn ☹️. I’ve had my head in sand with court, surgery but now have to face it 😖.

The Ugly

I can’t drink coffee anymore. Keto coffee is horrid. I miss sugar way more than I thought I would. It also affects my mood when I feel lost as to what to drink. Food is pretty easy, drinks are soooooooo frustrating. There is only so much water a teej can drink and it’s way less than most humans.

The Grateful Bits

That the court system was so accommodating and I didn’t need to see or deal with my ex.

Grateful that my brother supported me until the end given his very difficult life circumstances currently.

My sons have been helping to get my backyard more manageable and we have planted trees and are preparing veggie patch. I finally planted the avocado grown from seed.

Thanks so much for the update @Teej .... I have been wanting to know what was happening for you, but knew you needed time and space to deal with it all.

The health food store has a Dandelion coffee you could try, and there are natural things to add to water like apple cider vinegar - just a small splash cos it’s strong tasting - or a squeeze of lemon or orange. Also try some mint leaves or basil steeped in a jug of water with fruit chunks of any kind - even peels or strawberry hulls, etc ..... experiment m’dear .....

Hugs for the good, bad, ugly, and grateful bits ..... 💜🌷 .... loving you being you ....

Why is it that suicide ideation still comes back when least expected. I got through the tough stuff but have struggled with such suicidal thoughts again for the last few days. After my psych appointment I really wanted to. It wasn’t because of anything in the session but I guess I went in to the appointment hoping for to help me get out of this slump but I didn’t even convey that to her. I had to emotion sleep off before I went across the road to the chemist because I knew doing it the other way was playing with fire.

Im not sure what is happening to me. I suspect hormones are having a laugh at their ability to exacerbate my emotions just now.

I think im feeling worse for thinking that I had control of SI now but there are still times it controls me. My pdoc was able to tell me there was no cancer in anything they cut out and part of me was disappointed ☹️. I know that there are a lot of reasons for that to be insensitive and probably offensive to anyone going through that diagnosis but I’ve been getting more and more scared of living as time goes on.

Sorry for the negative rant. I hope to get through this rough patch soon. 💜🤗

💜💜💜 @Teej ...

@Teej ❤️❤️❤️💕💕💜

Thank you for hearing me to all that do. 😘💜🤗

Returning to this post after SI has passed for now and life has returned to somewhat normal (whatever that really is).

I am a tad worked up about going for a working bee at my old house tomorrow with my kids and ex. Wondering why I put my hand up and offered this but I guess it will be a final farewell of the house as well. Hoping to have it ready in about 2 and a bit weeks. I have some small organising things to do but otherwise it’s out of my hands now.

I have been wanting to write this for a long time but keep getting caught up and not doing it.

I think I have changed a fair bit since my change of diagnosis, and not as well. There have been lots of processing things and questioning myself. There have been times that I thought that I hadn’t any right to post here because in my head adhd is not a MI. There are times I thought the diagnosis was wrong and I’m just a messed up person.

I think ive come to a place where I’m finally beginning to understand myself more. I haven’t yet come to a place where I understand what the big triggers are that unravel me on occasions ...... but now and then there are some times I can see them.

A few weeks back I actually took the step of trying to do a resume with some help, someone took my info and put it into a format that hides my gap years......there are many but haven’t had a chance and/or avoiding it. I think once the house stuff is over I might be able to think about it again.

I became an Aunty to a niece overseas this week. I hope to meet her one day. She is beautiful.

I am feeling very disconnected with my forum friends at the moment but please know its not anyone but me. I think I find it harder when I’m not around as much. It sometimes then feels intrusive when I’ve missed a lot to rejoin, knowing that I’ll drop out again because life is very hectic still. I’ve also had lots of mind games in my head. Just more things to sort out. I think I’m at the acceptance stage of how my brain and emotions function but am very much in need of a manual of how to drive them better. I think it’s going to take much longer than I thought and much more work than taking some meds.

Well thats my rave (possibly on the wrong thread again) about where I’m up to on this blooming long windy road of twits and turns.

Love and hugs 💜🤗

@Teej I’ve come and gone from the forums with my own struggles and brain talk issues. I know it’s hard.

You have always been so kind and thoughtful to me, something I really do appreciate. You have welcomed me back time and time again,with open arms and heart. Thank you for that. I always read your posts to many here, caring and well put together, because of concern for the reader/readers. You are a special link of the chain that holds us all together. Know that. 💜💜💕

Thank you @Maggie

That means a lot. I love how you are finding lovely quotes too. You are a very special Maggie in my heart. 💜🤗