Walking on the road to recovery ........ 🤔

With you @Teej .... 💜

@Teej

So many people effected with small and big and hidden consequences. Sexual assualts and confusions and shame do need a lot of time to work through.

Motivations and the "why" of sticking it out in difficult relationships need time for all the aspects to percolate their way into consciousness.

Your post was a big and beautiful sharing.

I can relate in many ways.

Thank you @Appleblossom, @Faith-and-Hope, @Sans911, @outlander and those under the like button. It’s been a harrowing anniversary week but I wanted to come back here.

@Appleblossom It does take so long to process. It’s been such a hard year and I’m only just beginning to understand the affects of what happened more.

I had another post but it felt too pretentious and self absorbed.

Who am I?

Who knows? I certainly don’t. In all my life I am the most confused with my identity. The only things I can write down are the things I loathe myself for. How can that be my identity and my existence?

7 years have passed. I don’t remember who I was. This week I’ve been corrected by two people who told me things about myself that I don’t remember. Things that I’m trying to learn but apparently don’t need to learn them because I knew them in my past life. I don’t remember.

I know ive changed so much especially since ive been on the forum. I don’t even know how to be the person who used to be on the forum. She was able to be so supportive of everyone inclusively regardless of her mood. She wrote from the heart without thinking and overthinking. She also would sh much more impulsively. In the past tonight she would have sh. She was someone who’s emotions still allowed her to have highs and feel ok at times.

The me now knows how to distract to ride out si thoughts. The me knows that self medicating would be awesome to switch off the thoughts just now but it won’t help tomorrow, it will make it harder. The me now knows the things much more clearly that I have to work on. The me now has started to fight for herself. These are all steps forward but the me now is the most melancholy she’s ever been. She only sees things as something to survive rather than something to enjoy or be in the moment in. She understands what @Former-Member meant when she talked about being so tired. It’s a different kind of tired I think, when you’ve been struggling for so long.

This person now wants to be able to love freely but not have it returned or have nice things said about her. She runs faster than ever before. The person now is so terrified of getting things wrong and hurting people. The same person that came onto the forum and was passionately inclusive has changed so much and has become exclusive and very much hates herself for it. She knows she can’t go back and keep up that level of inclusivity but regardless feels so much shame and guilt that she can’t. The person now isolates even from the forum because she overthinks everything and becomes paralysed. The person now would spend about 6 hours a week experiencing forum paralysis and guilt and shame that she can’t be the person she once was.

The person now knows that mi can make me very self absorbed. She read an article about it recently and she identified with it.

The person now.... me.... I know that I still get so much from reading inspirational posts on the forum and delights in seeing members overcome challenges no matter how small. As much as I so want it to all end just now I won’t. I still have a couple of options of hope but am waiting for them to come through.

I am really tired and im so sorry to anyone I’ve hurt or not responded back to. I’ve never changed caring for anyone, I’ve just become self absorbed and burnt out. 💜🤗

I don’t know where to write this but for now have chosen to put it here. It feels so strange to be writing it but here goes.

i feel like I am at a cross road at the moment, except instead of making a turn I’ve chosen just to walk aimlessly creating my own track 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:. There are lots of changes happening both internally and externally that I’m just trying to go with the flow and some days that is easier than others.

Today has has been another kind of strange but kind of ok day too. I had only an hour sleep and had a big sadness and sense of loss to deal with over something. I became hooked into my need to find something to feel ok about or it would end up back using past strategies that are unhelpful. On days like this I become obsessive about giving my brain a fix so it feels ok. I was feeling very alone and hopeless after a goodbye that I thought I had under control. I am getting better at them as there have been so many this year with so many changes to my my team....but today I was spiralling.

I found myself surfing the net the net looking for a feel good hit and came across this TED talk. It resonated with me lots. It’s long but I found it interesting. It helped me to understand my pattern of days like today and find a different path. I’ve managed to pull myself out........with big girl pants on and all by myself, next I’ll be learning to tie my own shoelaces too 🤦‍♀️😵.

Here is is the link. It’s called 'how isolation fuels opioid addiction' for anyone who is interested. It is about the things involved when our brain needs a hit to feel better.

https://www.ted.com/talks/rachel_wurzman_how_isolation_fuels_opioid_addiction?language=en