arteeSenior Contributor
How do you enforce boundaries?
How do I keep my boundaries, except to repeat them how ever many times a day he walks over them? I was told this week that I don't need to keep telling him how to behave, because he has an ABI, he can behave how he likes (including urinating outside). I shouldn't ask for a question to be answered, and not multiple times, or remind him people answer questions out loud, or not to be yelled at because I expect an answer, be argued with on everything (he even says he isn't arguing when I ask him not to argue), or expect him to shower, clean food off his face, clean his teeth, clean his dentures, change his clothes, wash his hands, with soap and for more than 2 seconds, after touching animals before touching food, or touching raw meat, or use the dish cloth on the floor then on the plates, or not be told every little thing I should be doing and when. And "That's OK." That's one of few phrases I get to everything when I eventually get an answer.
I also get "I don't remember," "not sure" or "yeah" with an upward inflection on the end. Yeah doesn't mean yes. It may mean no. Its not worth trying to come up with a real answer, just one of the phrases will do. Its not being untruthful to say yeah instead of no. It's ok. I've started ignoring him when he asks questions, but I'm being rude if I do it, and he isn't.
I shouldn't expect that pain has anything to do with why I don't do all the things he has decided I should do. I shouldn't expect that he will do as he's asked if it doesn't suit him and get anger, excuses or lies about why he hasn't bothered, but I should do whatever he's planned for me for the day. I get told what I'll be doing as soon as I wake up. It's not negotiable. Its like he has an anxiety attack if the day doesn't go as he's decided. I can't expect to be in another room for more than a minute before he comes to see where I am (includes the bathroom if I don't expressly mention that's where I'm going). And I can't expect to talk to my friends or family on the phone with any privacy. At the moment, I have to go outside because the phone signal in the house we're staying in is non-existent. He will come and stand by me. He gets very angry and gestures threateningly if I tell him to go away.
I've calculated the horrific financial cost of his ABI since he had his surgery 4 years ago (he was starved of oxygen - probably - it can only be diagnosed with autopsy). It wasn't diagnosed for 3 years, because we had moved overseas, and he has had no help. He doesn't want help. He says the problem is all mine, and it's ok. I didn't have such bad arthritis before his ABI - though I had a lot of hard days, but I worked. He insists that my osteo-arthritis is curable, but it doesn't have to be for others.
He's told me I should leave if he's so horrible. I get the carers pension and he is on disability. We have no home - we live in a caravan, wandering aimlessly and currently are housesitting. He says I'll be fine - I barely move some days due to arthritis. We don't have enough money between us but he's sure half will be enough. He has no concept of money, but he's quite obsessed with spending it. He can't understand budgets and loses his temper if I tell him he can't spend money. He has no access to the accounts, because he'd manage to bleed them dry. He breaks and damages so much through being careless we're doing a good job anyway. We have lost hundreds of thousands since his surgery, in part due to his complete disinterest in the business we had just purchased in the same month as his surgery. We lost it and a lot more besides, before I consider what we haven't been able to earn since this happened.
His solution for me is that I sell myself or go hook up with someone else. Or simply, I'll be fine, and something will come along. That should be easy to find someone he says. He seems to find my pain very amusing. I have a plan to get out, but it will take time. I need to be in one location, I want to buy a house, but he's obsessed with running and has made sure so far I don't get to talk to agents about houses that are in our price range. He's obsessed with keeping me isolated and alone. My best friend is dying and he says I don't need to see her again this week. I have plenty of time according to him. According to her, she has weeks at best. I can't get there if he doesn't drive me, due to the arthritis.
I am very angry that the life we had planned is gone. That I am trapped with someone who treats me like the enemy. That the man I married died during that operation. Someone on here said that I had a lot of grief to deal with. Until she wrote that, I hadn't even recognised I had anything to grieve. Which makes me angry at the counsellors I've seen who never mentioned that at all. And more than that, I'm exhausted.
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