OrphanimSenior Contributor
Hatred of Positivity and other things.
I need to vent, just to get the bad feelings out of my system. It'll likely be a train of thought.
I can't recall the last time something went decisively 'right' in my life. I agree that it's probably subjective as to what I mean by right, and that the meaning changes over time, probably even to myself. What matters right now is how I perceive it, though, and how that makes me feel. I feel as if my life has been bad since I finished school: A variety of family problems leading up to that moment came to a head immediately after and lead to me suffering from chronic depression from then (2012) until now. I've done all sorts of things since then, like attempt three seperate university/tafe courses, attempt to lose weight through means such as gym exercise, regular walking, etc, practice drawing and art in my spare time.
Everything has been a failure, or otherwise produced no results. There's always some drama that happens that ruins my mood, drains all my energy and makes me stop what I'm doing, leaving me with another year in my life wasted. I get self-destructive thoughts like I'm sure most fellow sufferers here do, but I'm not the sort to harm myself. I am however, painfully aware of the time I spend doing nothing, screaming and crying in bed or wasting time away on simple, cheaply-rewarding pleasures.
My only fulfillment comes from making other people smile and be happy through the variety of online friendships I make while sitting here, doing nothing. My purpose is not to make people smile, however; it's not something I go out of my way to do, but rather a part of who I am. I can't readily discuss or reveal my inner pain to the people I love, or else they will likely no longer smile and be happy. It can be difficult to detect emotion in an online context, but I can tell in the way that people's written responses thin out, or just stop outright, when they want me to stop talking about my problems. I experience the same fatigue when people vent at me too, so I do not blame them.
Asking for a shoulder to cry on, or for advice with the variety of problems facing me is usually a double-edged sword as well: I do not know whether it is a by-product of my many years of being miserable, but I absolutely despise positive and motivational talk. It invariably comes across as naive parroting as opposed to experienced advice that is empathic. It doesn't help that most of such oft-repeated, upbeat advisorial phrases are usually accusatory or chiding to some extent; perhaps a better way to describe it would be that they're speaking from up high.
I probably sound like a wizened, grumpy Scrooge-esque figure, but I am perfectly capable of being positive and upbeat. It is part of how I manage to lighten people up and make friends. So why do these attempts at improving my outlook on my life infuriate me so? Am I just averse to change? Am I jealous of other people's success in comparison to the way I wallow in my sadness and problems? I have most definitely developed an almost masochistic side of myself thanks to my depression: There is a measure of maniacal, psychopathic satisfaction I feel when convincing others that I am hopeless and impossible to save, doomed to be miserable. It hurts me too, though, perhaps more than it pleases...
After everything I've said (if anyone's still listening, that is...) this is probably going to sound stupidly ironic, but does anyone have any advice? I only ask because I wonder if anyone else feels the same way I do; that no matter how hard they try, they never seem to succeed. I want to hear your stories and experiences, see if you have any insight for me, or vice versa!
Crippling depression aside, I hope you're all having a nice day!
-Orphy
