Jaded towards psychiatrists, but hopeful

Hi all.

It's been a while since i have been in forums of this nature. I remember years ago the MSN chat rooms, they were not good places, all that happened were people posting inappropriate stuff and others getting triggered.

Anyways...

I have struggled with depression throughout my life, some times worse than others. I have also experienced some trauma in my life. When I was 14, i experienced the onset of bipolar disorder, it was a pretty scary time.

These days, and three breakdowns later, i think i am doing ok. For me anyway. Not perfect, far from it, but better than i was a while back.

Some of the things that i really struggle with now are crap doctors. Psychiatrists if i am specific. I have always kept that to myself in these forums because i don't want to discourage others from seeking help if they need it (and in that regard i should add that most of my experiences have been positive overall) but there are some really toxic ones around and there are experiences that leave people scarred and unable/unwilling to seek out that help again at their most desperate point. I feel it's a discussion that needs ot be had. The issue needs to be flagged and brought into the light by orgs such as Sane and others.

I had a bad experience this year. I wish i never saw her. I don't think she was/is an evil person, i just think they get to a point where they don't pay attention, where they can be flippant, careless, indifferent or just burnt out. Some of the ones who have been around for a while can also become really cynical, to the point they look at you with suspicion like youi're lying about your condition or the extent of what you are going through or the meds you are on. Psychs deal with some really heavy stuff and i guess in some way they have to mentally and emotionally remove themselves from their "work self", i do get that, but i don't know what support is around for them to make sure they are giving their clients appropriate care and not leaving them worse than when they came in the door.

So i saw this psych in May, and i had seen my old psych before her at the end of last year. I have made an appointment with my old one for next month but i am seriously considering cancelling it... i was pressured into making the appointment by hospital staff (not psych hospital, but where i recently had a baby) and i don't mind my old one, he is ok... no miracle worker but he isn't toxic so that's good enough for me these days. What will happen is that i will pay a tidy sum for him to ask me common sense questions and try to tweak my meds. The thing is, i already know i can't take certain meds because i am breastfeeding my newborn baby. Those are the meds he would prefer me to be on, which i haven't been on because i have been pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I can't go on them anyway, so we will have that conversation and i will leave his rooms the same way i went in. No worse, no better, just the same, and there's nothing he can do really because of my current circumstances.

My psychologist wanted me to try a new psych, but she works at a hospital that the toxic one from May has some connection with and i feel like i need ot avoid all places this other psych works at.

Sorry for the rant. Am just really tired of all this, and praying to God that i don't have another breakdown in my life because i don't know if i couold handle trying to get help again and encountering another toxic human when i am feeling so vulnerable. Sorry if this triggers anyone. I feel like i have nowhere to express this...