Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

Sorry @PeppiPatty - I hope I haven't discouraged you

@NikNik?? Can I pretend that thats my new doggy by my side?

Discourage? No. I need this forum and your the boss of keeping it good.

Can I start a new threas. its a good idea but I need to go to bed now and do my take 5 puzzles. I can also imagine @Mazarita giggling away ......teeheeheehee !!

Ok I've written this down in my diary and that is usually enough but not today. I want to yell but not off the top of the tallest building but more like in a club when the DJ drops I took a pill in Ibiza - SeeB remix and everyone sings the first verse. This is a positive story but an unfinished one.

My biggest struggle has been identity (yes, bigger than getting stable). It's required me to take a lot of risks that I'm not used to. Thinking about suicide doesn't freak me out but asking a girl out? Totally different. As part of getting better I noticed that identity in general is a problem in the bipolar community (and probably across the mental health community). Stigma plays a huge part in this but I've noticed (in my case too) that when there is a safe place people still have a hard time opening up. This is everywhere on the internet, reddit, here, tumblr, twitter, whatever. The only time I've ever opened up without hesistation or fear is when I've made friends with people that also share my condition. Stigma plus this has made for a pretty lonely experience for a lot of us.

The stigma campaigns undoubtely help, no question. It's a necessary pre-condition to improving mental health outcomes. However, feeling comfortable also forms part of the equation. It's also necessary to feel comfortable in ourselves and have some confidence that we know who we are. What I mean is that someone can go, 'yes there is something wrong with me right now but I still know who I am and what my values are.' Reducing stigma then means this person the feels comfortable to seek help. I didn't know who I was during my worst and that impeded me getting better. I didn't open up to the right people.

In learning who I am last year I noticed this problem online a lot. In a slight elevated moment I decided to make a twitter feed to share humour about bipolar written by someone who has bipolar for people with bipolar. The aim was to break a few walls down with a few insider jokes (my rules were nothing about suicide, no rude/offensive jokes and I would follow back every individual that followed me).

What drove me to take this approach was one of my best memories was with a close friend who also has bipolar sitting over coffee in a cafe trying to one up each over on the crazy stuff we had both done. It made me feel comfortable and that I was not alone. That and it was really funny. Everytime I try to raise something like this with a 'normal person' it's either met by them freaking out or not getting it. Isolating. Deflating.

I've been overwhelmed in the response to my twitter account. Initially I thought I might get 50 followers and it would peter out in a month or so. Well no, I'm nudging 750 followers with a lot of interaction. Given who I'm aiming at and that not everyone would appreciate it I think that's pretty good. I'm overwhelmed by what personal things people have shared with me, it's been both touching and saddening. Some people haven't realised it's a joke account, which has worried me. At the same people have found it funny. Overall I like to think I might have helped someone that was feeling lonely.

One last point, I've shown 'normal friends' the feed and they just didn't get it. That told me I had pitched it right. These are insider jokes meant for people with bipolar. It's not for people outside of this group, this was about making people with bipolar more comfortable. Reducing stigma was a fight being carried on by other people.

I feel like I've done what I needed to do with twitter. It feels like I need to move on and do something more. My psychologist keeps telling me I have insight (whatever that means???) and I am sick of hiding who I am. Bipolar has shaped who I am and I am proud of that even though I don't like the illness. Having to hide it makes me feel ashamed. And I what to change that, for me and for others. I want people to be comfortable with who they are, to be confident when so much of the time they feel isolated.

What to do next and how eludes me at the moment. Maybe getting it out will help unclutter my mind. That's why I'm on my soap box today.

@CherryBomb thanks for making this. I think this is going to be one of my favourite threads. I do talk with friends (a lot more now!) but sometimes you really do need to blow off something where you don't need a friend.

My advice to anyone is do not attempt to make major changes in your life and work 50 hours in a demanding job at the same time. After two therapy sessions, no more than 6 hours sleep a night (most under 5), a D&M with a close mate, 3 days worth of conferences with one day in Melbourne I'm burnt out but I can't sleep still. That's why I write, sometimes it calms me down. It's what I've been doing all week. Late at night and before work, once at 3am because I think my brain was making edits to something and decided I had to make them right then. I don't like sleeping pills so I won't be taking them tonight even though it's probably better self care at this point.

Being beat down with bipolar left me with a confidence problem. It's taking a really long time to sort out, I haven't been able to shake it. It's funny really, I speak to various CEOs all day at work but yet when it comes to people I care about I can't. I don't get it. Anyway this week was the pointy end of the work to fix it, like all projects all the work gets done right at the end, that's me experience anyway.

My therapist had been pushing me to ask this girl out (@suzanne here's your update). I should have done it a long time ago and my therapist pretty much laid down the law this week (she even sent me a msg saying 'just do it' one afternoon). She stopped engaging me about if I should do it and moved onto the how.

So I did. What wasn't so great was I had to do it over email (long story short: she is currently working pretty much a 24hr job in a remote location with shit internet and frankly waiting for her to get back wasn't going to make for a better opportunity either).

Anyway I was apprehensive at first writing the email. What would I say? How would it be perceived? Is this the wrong time? I write for a living so these shouldn't be big questions but they were. The first draft took roughly 4 hours for roughly 5-6 average paragraphs. Edits took another 2ish hours (at 3am). A long time for me to write something that short.

As I got going, I felt better and better about it, reassured even. I started thinking hey, if someone sent this to me even if it was a no I would still be pretty ducking chuffed about it. That's a change for me - to feel confident about saying what I feel. Another huge change in my thinking is that at this stage I would be near a panic attack because she hasn't responded. But I see given her work it's probably going to take awhile. That, and she'll probably want some time to think - we've been friends awhile, it took me awhile to think yeah, she's alright so I guess she might like some time too. I can see and believe the positive thoughts now than rather solely believe the negative thoughts.

While it'll be nice to get a yes response, I think I've made a lasting change. It's huge for me to even say what I said. I'm happy I did it. Taking action and then reflecting on it has meant I've had so many feelings this week. Some uncomfortable, some nice but it's been enjoyable to finally experience them all. I'm a bit like 'ooh what's that feeling, I've never experienced this before, let's investigate it!' I'm beginning to understand what it means to be living rather than just sick.

At the same time I do feel somewhat disappointed in myself because I have underestimated myself so much. The opportunities lost. Ok, sure everyone misses opportunities but that's different to losing them because you're sick. But I like the paragraph above so much more. It's prospective not retrospective like this one.

I guess that's why my profile pic is what it is. I was photographing bands a few years back and I caught this girl with this huge tat. The lighting sucks but it was a crowded bar and I could only grab her for a sec. But the message stuck and for someone to get it tattooed on them means they must live by it. I wish I adopted it for myself at the time but it was hard to see why I would. How times have changed.

No one tells you getting stable is just the first step and that the work only really begins then.

@mrkotter ahh so many valuable lesson to be learned when things are not the way want them - In fact, quite often, they are a blessing in disguise.

I got hit by something this week.

A lady at work, a little bit older than me (I'm in my late 20's), was talking to me about how she was doing rennovations to her rental property because she wanted to. She told me she didn't need to for it to be rental but because she didn't like the look of something.

I stood there thinking where the [insert expletive] is my rental? Oh that's right I spent all my money on worthless crap and debt while manic. Then I spent whatever I had left on treatment. Even this year, a light year by my standards, I've racked up at least $2600. At this point I feel incredibly lucky I'm not in debt but financially it's not much better than that.

It's not my colleague's fault but [insert expletive] I felt pissed off. Working in finance I know between my lack of ability to save and my crappy credit history getting a home loan is just not going to happen. Unless the Commonwealth Bank loses the plot again and LVRs fall to about 95%.

I can't break out of my negative thinking at the moment either. It's putting a strain on one friendship (that I do actually want to keep) and at the moment but I can't raise the issue at the moment because things are a little awkward. I'm kind of looking forward to them going back out to sea (navy) for a couple of months. Who the [insert expletive] thinks like that about a friend?

I also think my psychologist hates me. There is no evidence for this and really it makes no sense at anything approaching rational thinking and logical thought. At all. All she's ever done is help.

I'm not talking to my sister because I feel incredibly embarrassed about having a panic attack infront of her the other day. Great, we were getting along for the first time in a long time.

My medication blood level came back lower than expected. I'm worried because [insert expletive] having another episode is not on the agenda.

My ankle feels like it's pretty much [insert expletitive] and I've got a half marathon on the 15th. Where's that sports tape that's $20 a roll?

I'm not manic/depressed - I'm not sick but no-one told me normal life was this hard. I know a lot of you have it way harder than me but, at the moment, I feel a little bit overwhelmed.

@mrkotter, sounds like you're sort of re-evaluating where you're at in life as part of the rumination on rentals and property ownership, is that right? I know I'm given to doing this a lot at the moment, and hearing other people talk about home-ownership puts me in an uncomfortable place.

What's the situation with your ankle? Glad to hear you're getting along with your sister. Has it been a turbulent relationship over the years?

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@JoseJones wrote:

@mrkotter, sounds like you're sort of re-evaluating where you're at in life as part of the rumination on rentals and property ownership, is that right? I know I'm given to doing this a lot at the moment, and hearing other people talk about home-ownership puts me in an uncomfortable place.

What's the situation with your ankle? Glad to hear you're getting along with your sister. Has it been a turbulent relationship over the years?

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Yep. I feel so inadequate because my money has either been wasted or been used to try and get me better. I see other people around my age on the verge of property ownership and I know I'm not even close or in the same ballpark. I feel incredibly blessed not to be in any debt at all.

What makes it worse is that you can't talk about it. You can't say to someone, 'Yeah I don't have a deposit for a home because I flogged my guts to stay alive and get better and I'm proud of that.' Do you feel like that at all?

Bipolar has taken a huge hit in other areas for me - like relationships. Trying to make improvements there is hard work. Takes time. It'll be right.

Because I like to run away from things when I feel low I run fast and I rolled my ankle off road. This has happened many times and this last time it's still weak. My off-road days are over I think. And while it's better I can only run distance with the help of rigid tape. Just another annoyance really.

My sister and I. Because of the illness things have been strained for a very long time. We've only become close again because I'm doing so much better. I just feel silly over the entire incident but I don't want to talk to her about it either.

@mrkotter you need a hug. Sending one your way right now 🙂

I'm trying to put my worries in here and walk away - but trouble is I can't let it go. It sucks that I can write it down and close the page in my book but then it's still in my head and again I worry.

I'm going to hide under my doona where I feel safe and have a snooze. Back later. Just wish all these worries, issues, etc would just go away (wouldn't that be nice) but they don't and it's hard work to deal with them. And not to mention draining and exhausting mentally and physically.