Ok...so this isn't exactly a worry, it is more something that is filling up my inside with big frustrated feelings. However I figure it is probably ok to dump it here (or someone will tell me if it isn't). So here goes...
I can't decide what frustrates me more; the fact that the people who know the bigness of my muddle seem to get swamped by it, not know where to start, and thus increase my feelings of hopelessness about how I can move forward...or the fact that people who know a tiny bit of my muddle throw up some simplistic answer and then make me feel like I'm being pathetically negative when I don't show great enthusiasm for their "solution." I oh-so-badly want someone to kind-of go "crap, that's a big muddle, let's start figuring out how to sort it out." I think I possibly have found that someone in my new psychologist...but I am SO FRUSTRATED at how slow the process is. To me, I've clearly stated my treatment goal, I've provided a mountain of written material regarding my history, and now I just want to get on with creating a life worth living.
Yes, the muddle is big. Yes, it is complex and multi-layered. Yes, it is going to take a while to sort out. But can we please at least get started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The longest journey begins with a single step...let's get on with taking that step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know the issue, I know what I need, please can we just get on with it!!!!!!!!!
I am at least hopeful that things might move a bit quicker with my current psychologist compared to the one who dumped me in November. She was of the view that it could take 6 months to build the therapeutic relationship before we really got started. Are you serious? To me, the relationship is built THROUGH doing the work, not PRIOR to doing the work.
I know I am super task orientated. Setting and achieving goals is what helps elevate my mood so that I can set and achieve further goals. I just need some help around doing this. My brain is totally fried from a whole lot of trauma stuff. I get that that is going to take a while to deal with. But I still want to be moving forward in the meantime, and I truly believe I can with the right support.
It is all SO FRUSTRATING. And if one more person tells me "these things take time," I think I am going to strangle them! Yes, they take time, but if you don't actually MAKE A START then they will take an eternity. I have been stuck in the mental health system for TWENTY YEARS. Just exactly how much more time should I expect it to take! I've now been free of the very complex 16-year relationship I was in with my psychologist, for 18 months...and I don't seem to have moved a single step forward. Indeed, in addition to the major event that heralded the end of that relationship, the past 18 months have been a blur of therapist shopping and repeated losses such that my brain is now so cooked I don't know which way is up. And that's ok...so long as I can still have some sense that my muddle is fixable. My current psychologist has told me several times that she believes she can help me create a life worth living...but because we are still trying to sort out boundary stuff etc. we haven't actually STARTED along that path. I just want to START. I get that it will take a while, but I simply want to start so that I can have some hope!!!! Angry and frustrated!!!!!
Sigh...ok, I think I do feel better for having got that all out. Alright, so now the plan is that I dump this here, slam the door of the worry room very loudly as I leave, and walk away. Ok, I can do that. Done!
