Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

Well

No I am not feeling well at all

The english language is so interesting with so many different meanings from single words.

I am upset.

Yes also has many meanings.

My meaning in this message is hurt; confused; disappointed; left feeling let down

I am feeling disappointed and disillusioned yet again.

How can it be that people who have already experienced far far too much being misunderstood be left feeling that way on these very forums where they seek help and safety from that as well as far more?

I understand that there are guidelines and agree that they have to be there as they are boundaries which are a part of life in all areas.

It hurts me so much to see yet another person leave because they feel that they do not meet the standards.

Every single member's story is different and their reactions must be treated with such care. They hurt.

It hurts me and I am reminded of all of the times when I have felt unheard or dismissed within the real world. Within my family; work; acquaintances; extended family; medical supports; organisations. Life.

I have spent the majority of life keeping so much about my life to myself that I now realise the majority of people do not really know the real me. Only a few; my sons. They do not know everything though. Certainly anything about the painful side of my relationship with their dad. They never will. That is his husband hat; not father hat. They have their own experiences of father hat of course.

My now husband knows me and is still with me. Well he didn't disappear in a puff of smoke! I did not cast any spells or give him any untoward potions before flying off on my broom! I certainly do exasperate him at times though. Ditto with him. We are individuals who have lived within our own spaces for so long.

I do not want the latest forum member or others in the past; or those in the future to live a life in hiding like I have done.

I have self isolated and dissociated; wasting so much of my life.

People must feel safe to open up on these forums and be supported when doing so.

There are so many who do support so well.

The majority of community guides; peer support workers; moderators and other new titles.

There will always be room for ongoing training.

No doubt I will tread on toes in writing this.

There is a mental health commission thread that I am participating in.

There is room for improvement in so many many areas.

So much needs to change within this world; this society.

Perhaps my time on here has also run it's course.

I am either missing vital clues; not responding or forgetting.

Or standing on my soap box.

Take care all of my friends

I'm really struggling (and failing) with the basics, like getting out of bed...

Ohhh I want to drink and drink !!!!!!!!

Had 2 glasses of wine and fighting hard to not drink more

Really hating this constant cycle way over the top high then crash down to rock bottom. What did I do to deserve this

I give up.

I'm going back to bed.

Everything can wait.

Today was hard. It probably won't make sense but I just want to feel normal and I feel like that will never be possible. I just want to walk in to a shop on my own and not have a panic attack cause there too many people. I want to feel like I'm a good enough mum to my daughter. I want to feel like this world is not out to destroy me.

So many men in my life have caused more mental issues than I can name but they have all moved on and living their lives and yet because of what they did I'm left here in this constant world pool of heart ache and mental issues. I just want to feel ok and normal and not constantly breaking down in tears.

I worry that this is all there is for me. That I'm never going to have a life that doesn't involve anxiety and panic attacks. I worry that one day I'm going to stop going outside my house altogether. That I will die inside these four walls and no one will even know I've passed. And all that I have done with my life is stress about nothing rather than actually live because I'm too overwhelmed by these disorders to overcome them.

Why does it have to be so hard