Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

I'm tired of acting like everything is okay when it's not, I feel like I'm falling apart or basically not good enough for anyone. I feel numb and I can't stay in the present.

Family doesn't understand how I am feeling and they won't take my heart condition seriously. I'm on the Verge of just taking myself to get a ultrasound and holter monitor on Thursday because mum won't take me to get it all done. I don't know how I feel.

I just want to hide away from everyone.

I'm tired of fighting

I'm tired of not being taken seriously

I'm tried of acting like everything is okay when it isn't.

I'm safe.

@Former-Member

Hi @Fluttershy1

It sounds like you are in great need of some rest and relief. I am posting you this reply even though it is a no response thread because you tagged the moderator.

Stay safe and please use your considerable strength and skill to care for yourself and to get the support and understanding that you need.

regards

Whitehawk

@Former-Member - can you check in on emails?

Hi @Fluttershy1

Moderators unable to offer you immediate support via the forums email. You will need to access a help line off the forums if you are wanting help tonight Candy.

Take care

Whitehawk

@Former-Member - I'm safe.
I'll be fine.

I'm heading to sleep

Part 1 of my miserable life:

When I was 17, I was the happiest I ever was - the daydreaming, outgoing, fun and happy teenager. Until my first relationship. I devoted myself to be the perfect girlfriend. I don't know what I did wrong. If I didn't love hard enough. But after a year. He changed. I was there for him through EVERYTHING. I listened to him cry. I dropped everything to be there for him. Once his friends came back into the picture. He pushed me away. I don't mean like he stopped talking to me. He shut me out. Like I was the one who destroyed him. Like I wasn't there for him. I made mistakes in the past - yes. But I didn't deserve him to use me like that. I would force myself to not talk to him for DAYS or even WEEKS. Just to make him want me or need me. I remember EVERY night I cried myself to sleep. Eventually when he needed something from me. He would come, have sex with me. And leave. I remember the sound of his car. Getting excited that YES HE FINALLY CARES. He's here. I would BEG him to stay and hang out with me. But he would just leave. The EMPTINESS I felt. Like I wasn't good enough. I was the problem. Nobody loved me. Has been there with me ever since.

Part 2 of my miserable life:

I was 18, pissed off. Broken. Unloved. And I didn't give a f*** anymore. I hated him for what he did to me. How he used me. But I should've just broken up with him. But no, I wanted to damage him the way he damaged me.

I met a guy at uni. He seemed funny and very kind. I posted up a Snapchat story of how low I felt. I had family and friends on there but no one really reads those kind of snaps or takes them seriously. But this guy did. He asked me if it was okay to call him. I said yes. We talked all night, he made me feel like I was safe. Like I was going to get through it all. He was there for me.

We we're close friends. He helped me for months with my relationship problems. I would cry and he'd listen. FINALLY! Someone who cares for me.

Little did I know. He was keeping track of the days and nights.

One day when I was working out with my PT at the gym. I fainted. I wasn't eating or drinking. I couldn't find the time to. I was always crying and sleeping. Putting on a face every time I left my room or whenever I stepped into the house. I always put a face on.
But this night, it hit me. I fainted and hit my head twice very hard on the lockers. The guy came to me. He helped me. He fed me. He took care of me. After crying and crying. I thought this was it. That this was my way out. I wanted to feel valued. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel again.
So I did it. I did what I promised I'd never do. Never become as low as my bf was. To not hurt someone I loved or cared about. But I was selfish. I thought of myself that night. And I cheated on him. I don't know what it was called. But I guess that's the word to describe it.

My feelings were EVERYWHERE!! I was depressed, excited, nervous, vulnerable, betrayed, suicidal. I was every feeling you could ever feel. Within months I was constantly "cheating" on this person who was never there for me. Who only used me for sex. Who would up and leave the moment I got too close to him.
Eventually, he found out. Because the guy who I was cheating with, he had enough of not having ALL of me to himself. That he showed his face to my bf at the time. AWESOME!
This was the moment I FKD MY WHOLE LIFE UP. I don't even want to get into this because it's just all types of fkd up.

Why, why must I compromise all the time for others for fail to show me respect, who hurt my feelings, who call me negative, who wtf? I have to give up what keeps me sane to stop myself from going insane. They don't suffer at all. They're the good person who's kindly doing me a favour by pointing out my weaknesses (or so they call it). Who helps the helper when the helper needs help? But no one hears her silent screams. Until she drowns.

Can't do this any more. Tired, so tired of waving arms for help. But no one notices until it's too late.

I feel hurt. I feel sad, I feel alone, I feel lonely, I feel like a part of my very soul aches, I feel like no one understands me not even me. I feel invisible. I feel like going to sleep and not waking up. I feel frightened. I feel defeated. I feel like giving up. I feel self pity which I absolutely hate about me. I want to be determined. I want to feel happy. I want to feel like I have victory in my soul. I want to feel like I can hardly wait to wake up in the morning and be ready for a new day. I want to feel brave. I want to feel strong. I want to feel loved. I want to feel important to someone. I want to feel awknoweldeged that I exist. I want to be known. I want to be happy. I want to experience joy. I want to be free to be me, whoever that is. I want to smile. I want to feel connected to another human soul. I want my heart to know gladness. I want to dance around in a supermarket and not be concerned what others think of me. I want to sing. I want be healthy. I want to feel loved. I want to be truly love someone else. I want to feel acceptable. I want to feel worthwhile. I want to feel comforted. I want to feel beautiful. I want to feel wanted.

Trying to Understand myself ... Who am I

I walked along the road and saw a long shiney object. I picked it up and wanted to know what it was. I am a curious person. So I googled it and found out what it was. If I smell a beautiful scent coming from a plant. I will go up to it and smell it more. I would really look closely at a pretty flower. I would notice a lot about it in detail. I have an appreciation for beautiful natural scents.