Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

Today I still ache to go back to the upper place. I now know what this place is. It is the presence of God. I want to stay there all the time. Because below is absolutely awful.

Hey @Former-Member. Sounds like things are feeling really heavy today. I just sent you a quick email

Well this is disappointing, I woke up.

To the one I love (more than I probably should), I am sorry that I lied. I am sorry that I broke a promise

To my family sorry that I have upset up, caused you any pain. I should have warn you from the beginning that I have a habit of being a disappointment.

How much of a screw up can you be not to get it right

Hi @Former-Member, I know things have been tough for you recently and I'm sorry you are feeling so down this morning. Im glad you have the awesome support of the other forum members but I am a bit concerned about you, do you feel safe right now?

Please let us know how you are travelling and reach out to emergency support if you are feeling unsafe.

Just need to get this out......

In 2018 I decided to take further better care of myself physically. (after many years of neglect) I had already started exercise and eating healthier foods maybe the year before but wanted to help my body more. Especially lower my blood pressure. So after much research decided to do a course on whole food plant based eating. I sort of had a inclination towards more natural ways.

Anyway before you commence this course you are encouraged to get a medical check done, blood pressure, blood tests done etc. So I did. I had not been to a GP for many years. After a few tests, including a pelvic ultrasound, they found abnormal cells on my ovaries and uterus. Going to GP and specialists is no easy thing for me to do. (as I was rather use to just staying at home hidden from the world) After a few more visits and tests including surgery they suggested that have a complete hysterectomy. Results on my ultrasound could not rule out cancer.

Going to all these doctors was not only stressful, but fearful. Fearful because one doctor treated me as if I was stupid, because I refused the suggested procedures and major surgeies. I had to follow my gut instinct, and that was to help my body to heal itself, improve my immune system so it could heal the body without major surgery which could have caused side effects. They did not like me not following what they said. And spoke at times quite unkind to me. One GP even said " well want to you want to do, die with these masses in you". It was said quite forcefully and she herself was feeling fear. And I was picking up on it. I went back a few times to see her, each time leaving in tears and with more fear. I cannot even drive to that suburb where her surgery is now, without feeling uneasy.

During all this I was still improving my health a lot and was feeling so much better, mentally and physically. Apart from the days I saw her. Just fear on those days.

I had also been studying cancer and ways to help my body heal. (even though I do not know if I have it) they could not tell me, without having the major surgery. I was not and am not doing this natural healing without knowledge. Knowledge from others that have chosen to go this way and are now healed. Other medical people with university knowledge about this way to go rather then the conventional way.

So yeah just had to get that out. And also I am not closed of to surgery. But see it as a last resort only. I mean if I did had cancer and like I said it cannot be confirmed. it takes many many years to actually grow in people's bodies so it can take many many years for the body (if given the right nutrients, Supplements and care) to heal itself from it.

And what if I did not have it anyway, I would have had parts of my body ripped out for no reason at all. Last ultrasound showed a decrease in this cells. So nothing is growing, and maybe what I am doing is helping.

I spent 2 months panning a very special party for a special person's big birthday. It was cancelled the morning of, because that person's husband is unwell. That person doesn't know what I was planning or how much effort I'd put into it. I'm so sad. I have very little energy to use on things like this... I was really looking forward to surprising them. I know this is something trivial in the grand scheme of things, but I cried like a baby this morning.

I feel so miserable. It just hurts and I don't know why and I want it to stop ****ing hurting.

Just want to get this all out from within me

I shouting out why don't you love me. What is so wrong with me. Don't you see me, aching for you to notice me. Don't you see me aching to be be held. It hurts. Just want the pain to go away. But you never saw me, I don't remember being held. I don't remember you playing tea parties with me, reading to me, playing lego with me, talking to me, hanging out with me, asking about school work. I remember you doing my hair in pony tails, teaching me to ride a bike, then teaching me to drive.

You didn't know I was frightened and made a safe spot under the cover on my bed. Frightened off the rats that I heard running around on my bedroom ceiling and in the walls.

You did not know how so very sad I felt, stepping on my younger sisters kitten and hurting it. You put a pillow case over it, so it would not suffer. My heart was so very sad that I accidentally killed this cute little kitten. I had to still go to school, feeling so very sad. No one held me. No one said it was okay. My younger sister had the day off school and was given a new cat. I was happy for her, that she had it. But sad that I hurt this other little one.

I know you did not know my heart, I know you did you best. But it hurts.