Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

It's not enough you control my day you also have to control my sleep too. Nightmares, FB, triggers, panic attacks, SH, SI, PTSD, anxiety and depression What a life to deal with. No reason to smile no reason to laugh no dreams no future. What's the point of life if this is what it's like every damn day. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of trying and of fighting.
be positive, think positive, say kind things to yourself, change your cognitive thinking. This is what I hear all the f**king time from my MH team. How the f**k can you do and be all these things when you have FB, when your body feels horrible terrible, disgusting things, when your chest feels like a cement truck is sitting on it, when you can't take a breath and it hurts when you try. When your shaking uncontrollably and you feel like you want to throw up after being triggered. When you have to relive the most horrible moments of your life over and over and over and over again.
What a beautiful f**king life to live.

Really tired of existing. But have a deep feeling that is because I am only in the below place. There appears to be no life here. I am not content here. I hate it.

Now that I have had a taste of the upper life. I know that is where I belong. How I long to go there.

Hi @Former-Member ,

I know this is a venting thread and all about sharing freely, but still feeling somewhat concerned about your post, so just letting you know I'm dropping you a private email now. Hope you are well.

Warmest regards,

Otter

I have been absent for a while.

I have had so much happening and felt as though I was living in a whirlwind.

Surreal.

So utterly bizarre at times frightening after isolating for so many years.

I have gone very deeply into myself

I am forever changing as is life

I am beginning to notice me

Life throws back hard lumps of reality and still I am so utterly surprised.

Why?

This has been my whole life.

I am me

I am open to change

I am not open to changing to how most people want me to be to make them feel more comfortable withing their own distorted ways of handling their own issues.

Life is still flipping hard.

Life still has so much beauty if you open your eyes and ears.

I heard birds twittering and frogs in the ponds near our river.

Then the calls start again and I have to tread on egg shells trying to work out what I am supposed to be remembering when the words were whispered so quickly that I could not hear them.

The voice is now far icier and steely coming from a far far away place.

I cannot find my love there today. My love told me to f off because I floundered and was frightened.

So yet again I went from a day of exhilaration learning new things about myself to boost my self thoughts in the presence of family members who like to keep me a certain way.

Where is the worry room on the carer's side?

Carers worry . They are often people who have lived experience as well.

There needs to be a worry room on the carer side.

These forums have been suggested to me several times by carers organisation and I have told them that I do not fit.

I visited the carers side and it appears that many others struggle with the same issue.

There are not many responses to so many threads.

Are their community guides monitoring those threads as they do on the popular threads on this site?

Yes I am outspoken.

I have actually had more than 6 years of being told by my therapist to be more outspoken when I feel that there is injustice.

I will start a worry room on the carer side and sit back and watch the outcome.

My hands are getting tired of holding on

I have been mulling over who to tag, where to put this post, which corner of the forum can I hide. And there is no one I want to tag, to have them worry over me. There is no appropriate place to post but here, where no one can respond. I have only tried to help in the last few weeks, tried to be supportive of distressed members, but my words seem to be more harmful then helpful. I am well aware in the midst of a crisis, often we misunderstand others intentions and what is meant to be caring, is seen as criticism and dismissive. I don't want to bang on about this, I just want to move forward and take it as a learning curve.

So I am taking a break from the forums, because lately it has felt like the forums are breaking me. There is no one responsible for my feelings and reactions but me. So there is no blame apportioned here to any individual AT ALL. Not one of you. It is what it is. Upheavals happen in the forum, and I have been part of those before. I have made mistakes, which I will always be honest about and try ot learn lessons from. Like I am trying to do in my personal life right now.

I am not sure how long I will be gone. Long enough for the forums to hopefully move on, for the dust to settle, and the chaos to be less chaotic. For friends to find each other again, and strenghten those bonds. For the new CGs to ease into their role with as little anxiety as possible. I know those closest to me have other supports, so I feel ok leaving you in their hands.

And don't worry, I am safe. I will be back.

Please don't respond elsewhere in the forums.

😞