How do you find hope for a better life?

@Faith-and-Hope,

for me, non-acceptance is when you keep on doing things that don't work for you, in the misguided hope that they will one day work (even though all evidence points to the contrary).

I think this is so common.... I mean, I have been there.

I have a friend, a woman who I have become very close to, who has been in therapy for more than ten years. A year or so ago, I said to her "therapy is great, but I think is has to lead to actual changes in your life.... you can't just talk and talk and talk without ever changing anything."

She immediately ran to her therapist and asked him if this were true. He basically said "Yes".

You do have to make changes in your life and if these changes don't bring you results, then you have to be prepared to try something else.

Anyway, my friend decided on some changes she would like to make, but a year has passed and so far she has not done anything.

Look; it's really difficult to change. It's hard work. sometimes you feel you are getting no-where. It can take years. But you have to begin.

Good point @Teej and everyone on acceptance. Acceptance is something admittedly I have at times struggled with, which can trigger discontent, distress, anxiety, grief, anger and depression.

I cannot accept an unwillingness to change from myself or from significant others around me when there is hope for it. That type of acceptance/resignation I see as giving up or tolerance of what keeps me and them unhappy. That stagnates permanently any change for the better.

So for me acceptance only comes "with those events, situations and circumstances "I cannot change" after doing everything in my power to change it. That resignation of the reality, enables me to move forward. Hope motivates me to make a life around those unchangable circumstances enabling me to move forward.

One example of this for me is working on true acceptance of my past - as it definitely cannot be changed. So I work on accepting it and let the past - its pain, betrayals, losses, regrets, failures, bitterness, abandonments, fears, abuses and hurts, "go". Otherwise moving forward and change was/is impossible. This is because I found the process of letting go through acceptance frees up my negative emotions allowing hope to come in; in order to move forward to a better future. The only way for me. When I become depressed again my thoughts go to fear of the past repeating itself - I get stuck in it as if it is happening still - this pain becomes my reality even though it isn't the reality in the present.

Resisting acceptance is holding onto to all the negative pain/thoughts of the past that negates hope and keeps me stuck in this pain (feeling I will never get better, that change is impossible). Very good point @Teej

I cannot accept my husband's present ongoing health problems, I can't accept the probability of separation and death and this causes in me undue anxiety and depression. The problems in the now (totally get you @Faith-and-Hope). And the only thing that will get me out of this is hope that all will be well eventually.

Found this and thought y’all might find it interesting .....

@Teej @Sahara @Former-Member @MaryMahem @yaorna

Learning to Hope - Brene Brown

In studying resilience in the face of trauma and pain, researcher Brené Brown found that the capacity to hope - intelligently and actively - is an essential component.

“As a researcher, I can't think of two words that are more misunderstood than the words hope and power. As soon as I realized that hope is an important piece of Wholehearted living, I started investigating and found the work of C. R. Snyder, a former researcher at the University of Kansas, Lawrence.1 Like most people, I always thought of hope as an emotion-like a warm feeling of optimism and possibility. I was wrong.”

“I was shocked to discover that hope is not an emotion; it's a way of thinking or a cognitive process. Emotions play a supporting role, but hope is really a thought process made up of what Snyder calls a trilogy of goals, pathways, and agency. In very simple terms, hope happens when

• We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go).
• We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I'm persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again).
• We believe in ourselves (I can do this!).

So, hope is a combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to pursue them, and believing in our own abilities.

And, if that's not news enough, here's something else: Hope is learned! Snyder suggests that we learn hopeful, goal-directed thinking in the context of other people. Children most often learn hope from their parents. Snyder says that to learn hopefulness, children need relationships that are characterized by boundaries, consistency, and support. I think it's so empowering to know that I have the ability to teach my children how to hope. It's not a crapshoot. It's a conscious choice.”

Excerpted from The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown (Hazelden 2010).

That is an interesting article on hope @Faith-and-Hope. Thank you for sharing it.

In my lived experience, I did have to choose hope to manufacture the positive mindset and motivation to set goals that B. brown mentions. Not the other way around. I was too damaged through abuse with faulty perception, anger, fear and trust issues to be able to set realistic goals at that stage suffering major depression and anxiety. All was a black dark pit and pain.

So I agree with one point - hope is not built on emotions at that time of being in a dark place. For me building hope was and is a choice to "trust" again and believe in something good, which is its definition. Without trust, hope is non existent (i.e. If we don't trust or believe in change it won't happen). Not something I could intellectualise. I had trust issues in people and a good outcome was against the odds intellectually/mentally - so in order for me to cultivate hope I had to "take a leap of faith". Trust a little again that "it is possible". Then I could see it better and feel it and felt the motivation that this hope brought to plan and set goals. It came in that order in my experience.

When depressed perception can be faulty. This is why it is so hard for others who suffer such to see or believe in it. For me hope was and is an act of the will to trust in a good outcome, that in turn produces a more positive cognitive process that can guide to the practical small steps and actions to realise hope. Without hope everything is pointless - making plans or realistic goals without it being there first won't happen. We stay stuck without it.

Hope to me being the baby steps that can lead me to overcome, one day at a time, the adversities I face - and without giving up holding onto hope, overcoming these odds builds self belief. A work in progress.

@Faith-and-Hope, I agree with the article you posted, I also believe that hope is action-oriented and that it should be learnt as we grow up.

My Mum was very much a defeatist and so it was hard to learn the process of hope through her.

I had to learn to hope gradually, through watching people who I admired and through reading a lot- then it was basically trial and error for me. hence, it took a bl---y long time!!

I enjoy helping others when I'm feeling crappy.

It allows me to come from a frame of mind that says "I'm well enough to help others"

Makes me feel good.

I have two main sources of 'hope', if it can be called that. I just refer to it as the will that keeps me alive; the purpose that keeps me taking in each breath and continuing to exist.

Firstly, the existence of family and friends: People to whom I am of value and who I serve to brighten the day for, even if just a little bit. If I can currently make someone, or something's, life better, then there is reason for me to exist. Given the size of the world and its population in relation to my own, then theoretically, I shall always have someone to exist for, even as people and relationships come and go from my life.

Secondly, I take into account the sheer scale of the universe. Even when including the possibility of life in other places amongst the stars, living beings are an immensely rare occurrance. My body is made of countless atoms as are everyone else's, but on the grand, cosmic scale of the universe, only the tiniest fraction of matter shall ever be a part of living creatures such as us. We are also the only known beings in the cosmos to possess a consciousness. We a hold a unique power within the universe and I think it is our duty to continue to exist for as long as we can, no matter our hardships. Even our most unbearable pain is a unique experience.

It is these two cosmic truths that keep me going, even when I feel like nothing in my life is going right and all of my dreams are unreachable. To simply stop would be a crime in my eyes, both for the sake of the people I love and the universe itself.