Talking here because I don't know where else to go...

Thank you all for replying. As I said before, it means a lot.

I suppose my big struggle at the moment is that I have an opportunity to decide who I want to be and how I want to act, but nothing seems to fit. Do I want to be a classy and perfectionistic person? An affable and gentle person? An angry person who can’t be hurt? A funny and irresponsible person? I have the capability to be all of those people and more but I can’t decide which one is really me. I suppose the other way to look at it is 'who do I not want to be?' At the moment I just don't want to be me.

…god I’m such an angsty young adult haha! I read back on what I write and realise that I sound incredibly immature and whinny. Which I suppose I am in some ways but I don’t like to admit it. I want to be perfect.

@outlander, since my first post here (about a month ago), things have been very slow. As much as my BPD diagnosis was a big shock, I have found that exploring the diagnostic criteria, working closely with my psych, and paying more attention to my maladaptive behaviours has been helpful. I suppose in a positive light, if I was to have this week’s experiences a month or two ago, I would probably be back in hospital. This is the first time in a long time that I haven’t self-harmed after a traumatic event. I guess I can be proud of that.

@Former-Member, I’m in my final year of a double degree in nursing and paramedicine. It’s a very busy and grueling degree, but I loved it for the most part. It’s only been over the last two or three months that I don’t enjoy it anymore. I’m terrified of making mistakes and not being perfect. I’m scared of getting too close to people and seeming unprofessional. I’m scared that I won’t be able to deal with all the intense shift hours and having people be aggressive towards me. The deep zest and passion I used to have for this profession has disintegrated to practically nothing. I just can't seem to care anymore or see the good in people.

Yes, chronic suicidal ideation is an issue of time as well. It's hard to stay positive and motivated when you simply don't want to be alive.

I am very lucky to have a fantastic private psychologist who I see weekly. It's super expensive but I get some help from Centrelink and I just save up each week. I really struggle if I have to go a week without her support. We do lots of CBT, DBT, and schema therapy. I'm quite a self-reflective person, so DBT... I suppose it comes quite naturally to me.

I skimmed through the thread you directed me to - many things you said resonated with me. Especially you experience about being an inpatient and a nurse at the same time. I had a similar experience(forgive me if I am wrong and there aren't actually any similarities haha!) after my an inpatient stay in a hospital. 3 months after I was discharged I was working as a student nurse at another MH unit in the same hospital and it was horrible - some of the patients I was there to care for were fellow inpatients with me only 3 months earlier and some of the nurses who cared for me were now my colleagues. Very confusing stuff and I struggled a great deal with regulating my professionalism. I only lasted through 2 and a half days of placement before a meltdown... not a good look.... I don't ever want to do MH nursing. Much too triggering. Especially with people talking about SI and those suffering with anorexia.

I also identified with your desire not to overwhelm people, or 'bring them down.' I find that very difficult to. I struggle to recognise how much sharing with others is appropriate... I lost my two biggest support people this year because of that. I was always asking if they were okay and told them to tell me if they got overwhelmed... but it all fell apart.

Anyway, how are you doing @Sans911?

🙂