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The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Sans911Senior Contributor19 Oct 2017, 7:06 pm AEDT

The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

I'm not sure if changes from medication, my new role as Community Guide or something else, but something has shifted & this time I hope it lasts. Unfortunately, these shifts in the past two years have lasted mere days, weeks or months before I slip back down the slippery slope of deep and persistent depression. I have an extremely long, slow and painful way to go yet before I can even begin to say that I've started to recover (or whatever you want to call getting better from MI, particularly BPD).

Being a CG seems to have given me renewed purpose and reasons to stay alive, as I feel that helping others in this role means being responsible for my own health & being a role model for others in their journeys. I know I'm not always going to get it 'right'. I'm human after all, with MI, and I have my own frailties & vulnerabilities.

But I'm also incredibly fed up and dissapointed in my life in the last year in particular. I never could never have imagined that I would be in the position that I'm in now, chronically suicidal, repeatedly in Emergency departments that I used to work in that now I'm ashamed to present as a patient & I'm judged by my own peers that I so previously admired & respected.

I been incredibly isolated recently, and I live in fear that my life will come to a premature end by my own doing. But I also been fortunate to have good professional clinicians that I have sought out myself, and had to sometimes fight for. And I have the love and respect of a dear family member which means the world to me.

Through my journey in the last year, my clinicians and I have worked through and adapted a strategy that focuses primarily on keeping my safe, responding appropriately to my frequent crises that I bounce to and from, and supporting my fragile emotional and social needs. It's been incredibly challenging, but I believe it's finally working to improve my life one day at a time.

So now I'm feeling a little stronger and able to take more control over my MI & working towards improving my days and finding purpose again. In order to do this, I've had to be more honest with myself, my clinicians and my personal support about my behaviours that are so harmful and risky, and I have had to trust them that I won't be judged all the time which has allowed me to break down some emotional barriers & I be supported wholly.

By being honest, I'm reducing my harmful behaviours, even though it places me at greater levels of distress and increases my vulnerability. But these levels of distress are also reducing in the span of time I'm staying distressed because I'm reaching out for help earlier.

My GP and psychiatrist whom I saw today are satisfied and agreeable with my current focus, yet are still cautious but suppotive me to assist in steering my own course. So what now? I insisted on staying on 2nd daily medication pick up for safety, weaning myself from sleeping medication even though my sleep patterns are so chaotic and lacking, improving my social interactions a little at a time, finding something to enjoy each day (even if it's the daft cat and his antics), and staying on ad medication for the time being.

Why do I tell you all this? Because I still need your support, encouragement, and occasional guidance to stay on track and keep me focused. Remind me of these goals occasionally, and come on this journey with me. I know you are doing this already, but this is my new chapter (obviously of a very long book).

Thanks for reading

@Former-Member@outlander@Faith-and-Hope@Shaz51@Ant7@Bubbles3@Phoenix_Rising@Former-Member@Bunniekins@MDT@CheerBear@Owlunar@utopia

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In response to: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 June 2020, 12:14 am AEST

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Wow what a day @Sans911 I can totally understand you being in bed so early Hon. You are such a wonderful neighbour helping those around you. I have an older neighbour on one side - he is a lovely man ...still works part time as a school groundsmen but does nothing with his own place lol It is falling down around him and everything is overgrown so once a year I help him clean up what we can. I usually do the area between our two places - which really needs to be done so that is a holiday project for me. Tobes loves him (but he loves everyone haha). He often brings my bins in for me on bin day before I get home from work ...it is those little things that are very much appreciated so I am sure you neighbours absolutely love all you do for them - you are a gem

I hope your Mum is okay and can get her head around the move. No doubt you will do all you can to help her - I really love that about you Sans911 - you are a giver in so many ways and with so many people and I am sure they appreciate all you do for them. Don't ever change because in my eyes you are wonderful

In response to: Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Sans911Senior Contributor27 June 2020, 12:34 am AEST

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

I thought you might have gone to bed by now sweetheart. I should say I'm surprised to. see you awake, but I'm not. I'm more surprised, in a lovely way that you are here.

It's not often the case these days where people havd good relationships with their neighbours. It's lovely what you do for yours too.

I had such stigma about moving into a state housing unit, but I feel so blessed. I know about half the neighbours in my complex of 11 units. Most have mh or physical disabilities. Some keep to themselves. I like my neighbours a lot. They're quirky, different but very kind and gentle people just trying to get by in life.

I was having a discussion with my neighbour that I took to the pet store & telling him that I was woken by the weekly delivery from the pharmacy. So of course the conversation was why. I explained that I could only have a week at a time for my safety, even now when the risk is a bit less. He understood because he has a history of mh problems. But he had no idea that I still struggled so much because outwardly I don't show it, nor do I discuss it with many people. He said anytime I needed to talk to someone, he was available. That was such a nice gesture, but I can never place that burden on him.

My mother isnt coping too well with the implications of coronavirus. Almost all her housesits have been cancelled, which she really enjoyed. For her, having to be settled in one place is literally a death sentence. So she isn't coping well with these changes. It's been really difficult to support her. She's incredibly stubborn, but also becomes overwhelmed with too many options or choices. When she was younger, if things got hard to deal with, she would run. That has barely changed now as she heads into her 70s.

@Zoe7

In response to: Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 June 2020, 12:54 am AEST

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

That must be so incredibly hard for both you and your Mum @Sans911 It is hard breaking any habits but a lifetime of 'running' is even harder. I very much feel for you mum not being able to move from place to place - it must be her happy place and having to be stuck in one place would be like being put in goal for her ...so very, very hard You can only do what you can to support her Hon - she has to find ways to deal with it herself - not ideal I know when you want to help her but in the end we only have ourselves to work through these things hey.

I love that you are surrounded by people you like and enjoy their company - part of MI is often that isolation (whether real or felt) so to know you have those connections around you is actually heartwarming. I have no doubt you put on that mask for everyone so to open up a little to this neighbour - and to that be accepted so readily and support offered in return - is absolutely wonderful. We all have our ways of dealing with things but to know you are not alone there makes me feel really happy for you.

Not likely to be in bed for sometime yet Sans911 - actually putting it off as long as I can I have not had a proper nights sleep for a while now so not going to worry about trying until I (figuratively) collapse tonight. I have taken extra meds to speed that process up but think it will be couch island - easier to lay down where I am and sleep - feel safer on the couch at the moment. It doesn't stop the nightmares but does reduce the flashbacks so that is a good thing.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow or is it just as 'take it as it comes' sort of day? Plenty of work for me to do but will tackle that in between resting/sleep when I can get it.

In response to: Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 June 2020, 12:56 am AEST

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

By the way @Sans911 - getting myself some Sans911 time has made my evening

In response to: Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Sans911Senior Contributor27 June 2020, 7:25 am AEST

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

I'm so sorry I dropped out on you last night @Zoe7. I was really enjoying my Zoe time too. I know you have an amazing relationship with F & H, and I never like to intrude on that (despite what you might say) especially at the moment when you are both going through so much.

For most of my life I've had very little support when times got tough. Even from a very young age I learnt that crying got no attention, only yelling to 'get over myself' or ignoring me. So I learned to hide my pain & distress so much it's virtually part of my DNA. It's very hard to change that to be open & honest with people. To trust they will do the right thing & help me. I wonder why sometimes I rarely suffer nightmares or flashbacks and it has my questioning often whether the things I went through were real or imagined. Not that I want those things, because I feel incredibly sad & often distressed myself that you and others have to suffer so much with those on a daily basis. But I rarely get triggered by much to do with past trauma, more to do with people's attitudes & behaviour toward me.

I sometimes wonder too whether more therapy & delving into those past traumas is a good idea or now. I'm concerned, as are others, that opening the door to those things may be like opening the floodgates. Never addressing the past means though that I can never quite heal, nor completely change my behaviours that are so firmly stuck.

I hope you are sleeping peacefully as I write these ramblings at 5am. Mr A woke me with a slap to the face at 4am. So he's fed now, and happily resting at the bottom of the bed having a wash.

Thank you for listening with your 'eyes' Zoe. You are truly a wonderful person with a beautiful ♥.

Much love 💞💞💞

In response to: Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Sans911Senior Contributor27 June 2020, 7:26 am AEST

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Morning my sweet sisters @Snowie @outlander 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕 💕

In response to: Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Zoe7Senior Contributor27 June 2020, 9:50 am AEST

Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

Hey @Sans911 and good morning You are never intruding Hon. I do love the connection I have with F&H but I also very much value that which I have with you and others here too Each one of those connections enrich my life and are very important to me

I very much understand that 'hiding everything' feeling. I spent most of my later childhood and teenage years in my room - mostly to avoid my father but also my mother who could not handle me being upset or standing up for myself with my father. She would say 'you know how he gets' - as if it was my fault he was so angry and abusive. Thank goodness I had such a strong bond with my Nan and I would stay with her and Pop as often as I could.

I hear you about the questioning of what is real in your past or are you imagining things. I think denial or that questioning is a way to get through some of the most painful things ...that does not mean they are at all imagined but more our brain hoping they did not happen to be able to cope.

Opening 'Pandora's Box' can have such a devestating effect on us - I have been there with past therapy and it was not only all consuming but re-traumatising. There is a place for some to do that but for me it was too much. I think like you I am very aware of how the past has affected me and also why/how I deal with things as a result - that kind of self awareness is enough for me to move forward without having to delve into the past to change things now. Moving forward is still about recognising why I feel/see things the way I do but without having to relive the past in any detail. I think also accepting that things have happened and cannot be changed is a ajor step forward. Live in the here and now (as much as we can) and finding ways to get through those 'bad' days has helped me more than delving into the past.

It is a fine balance though between what we need to address to move forward and what we need to leave where it should be ...behond us in the past. Changing such entrenched behaviours/thoughts/feelings is a process but is also so reliant on our own confidence to tackle them and our own sense of self-worth ...and that is the dichotomy - how do we find the worth within ourselves when history has fought agaist that while not delving so deeply into those things that has caused us so much pain and 'broken' us without being broken all over again ...magic wand needed hey Hon with a sprinkle of self-worth glitter to help us fly.

In response to: Re: The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

outlanderSenior Contributor27 June 2020, 6:43 pm AEST