I dont know how much longer i can go on like this

im on the net trying to see if i can find an art class that i can join within the next few weeks- not yet- as you said i need to focus on actually getting well to start with. but no harm in looking. @Zoe7 so far no luck

yes walking away. thats what i have to practice. i really wish they would hurry up and move out but i already know there will still be responsibilities. im just hoping not as much

You are not in control of when they move @outlander so you need to leave that out of your mind for now. Your reality is that they DO live with you and it is about how best to manage that right now. You are also well in your rights to say NO to any responsibilities to do with your sisters. I know you won't be able to do that completely but reducing the expectations and pressure is essential. This is not in any way saying you love your sisters any less - it is about taking back some control of your life so you can infact love them more. At present you are too emotionally and physically unwell to be able to do things with them - but when you are you will find you not only have more patience but also enjoy their company more. Taking a step back from these responsibilities will also shift the focus (ever so slightly to begin with) from you as the primary care-giver to your mother who SHOULD be the primary care-giver.

i know i have to reduce the responisbilites. i just always get the guilt and its worse saying no than just doing it. i guess ive really ignored how unwell i am for a long while that its becoming natural.

i do get those days where i realise the full brunt of it but then i have a good day and think oh ya its over. its not over. its far from over yet and i do have to remember that when i take on other things.i find even being around them is overwhelming, ive had them basically all weekend except for the 2 hrs they have been out this afternoon and they are due back any time soon. but even there presence, theres soemthing about it that sends me to the edge again and i dont really know why that is as yet. i know they are a trigger but they live with me so shouldnt i be use to that by now. @Zoe7

This is where having a plan, a routine that you stick closely to is essential. Within that routine is time for yourself - not necessarily DOING anything but time away from everyone else @outlander - and that also includes the forum. You cannot 're-energise your batteries' if you are 'being there' for other people - infact we can often make things worse (for ourselves and others) when there is that pressure on ourselves to want to help all the time.

I know there will be times when you need to use some of that ME time to take your pop to appointments or care for him but then you need to have that alone time at another time. You should also make it very clear to everyone that - for example -' from 6pm to 7pm each day I am not available for anyone - that is my time on my own" (that is purely an example!)

In regards to the forum - allot specific times during the day that you will be on and put away your phone or computer (or whatever you use) at the times you are working, having alone time, caring for your Pop etc.

In this way you actually keep your entire focus of what you are doing ON what you are doing. So if you are looking after the horses for 2 hours - then for those entire 2 hours you focus on the work with the horses and not on anything else. You will eventually find 2 things happening then - 1. your stress levels are likely to reduce as you do not have multiple things fighting for time in your head at once, and 2. you may find that you are mentally more able to cope with your family as you are not trying to juggle multiple tasks/responsibilities all at the same time.

Think of it like this - you enter through one door, do the job behind that door then leave and closethe door behind you. You then enter through the next door, do the job behind that door and leave and close the door behind you - and so on. So each task within your day is behind a separate door - none of them are together and once one is done you forget that one and move onto the next one (if that makes sense).

Ok @zoe7 ill have to get my weekly and daily planner back out and work out the appointments etc and see where the best times are for 'me' time each day. I cant really put a time on them as days change but of a night I can sit down and work it out that way and have the weekly planner out fo I can see the week in advance as well. I think I know where there are. If they are easy to get to ill get them out but if not they will have to wait. I know tomorrow already ive got 2 appts of my own and one of pops. Was suppose to work but have taken the next few days off depending on how quick I recover.

I do like the door theory you have though- (yes it made sense) thanks heaps

oh I did find an art class but its also 350 upfront plus my own supplies and whatever else is needed as we go along and 3 hrs away-there and back.

@Sans911 Im not sure about the options yet. Still thinking. I just dont know if I can still handle all that work still. Ive already dropped studies as well. So it might be ok.

I need to actually find things to do. When I had 2 days to myself I found walking, drawing and movies did pass the time and it was nice but not as a permant solution so will need to find something things to do in the 'me' time.

Thanks sis, youve helped a lot, probably a lot more than you know.

does going to appointments class as 'me' time?

No @outlander they don't. ME time is when you have no commitments, no-one to 'look after', and nowhere to be - it is purely time that you can do whatever you want for yourself. You might spend it quietly reading or drawing, go to the beach, go to a cafe, even just lay in a garden and stare at the sky. It is time on your own to spend just with yourself.

oh gosh alright @Zoe7 this week will be easy as ive taken more time off work and only doing the very minimum atm

@outlander Sis, it looks like you have made some big decisions today. So proud of you hun for deciding to put yourself first. I hope these positives steps help move you forward and make it just a little easier. Big hugs 💜💜💜