I dont know how much longer i can go on like this

@outlander there is alot of truth in what @Former-Member wrote.

There are times when one does need to takea step back and not constantly go over and over everything that is wrong. It does leave you in a perpetual negative state. By revisiting and communicating only the things that are negative in our lives constantly you begin to live only in that world. You begin to believe in your own negativity and cannot see past it.

@Former-Member is also correct in conveying the practicing of what you say. For anyone - it is difficult to believe what someone 'tells' us if we cannot see those words in action from that person also - it does not inspire a belief that what is being said can be achieved. You have alot of great ideas and are knowledgeable in some areas but you do not apply the same thinking to yourself. I know this is not an easy thing to do but it is worth taking a very close look at whether you actually believe what you say as if you don't then it is mere words on a page and if you do then following your own advice is something that you should aspire to.

I have seen many people here giving amazing advice to you and a very high level of support over a long time now. Whether you take on board that advice or do not is entirely up to you however if you are still struggling with the same 'issues' and asking the same questions then you need also to ask yourself whether you are benefitting from some of those interactions.

I think just like @Former-Member we do care for you and do understand that it is not easy - but there also does come a time when you need to seriously weigh up what impact others journey's are having on you and also what your journey/words/questions/statements/issues/posts are subsequently having on others.

I know you feel better about yourself when you are supporting others but if that is actually having a negative impact upon yourself then maybe it is time to take a step back a little and concentrate on how you can best support yourself.

I am in no way meaning to say that you should not be here on the forum or that you should not stop posting or supporting people - I am simply saying you need to have a very close look at how the forum can best help YOU and how you can balance your real life with being on here.

You are a valued member here @outlander and I (like many others) want to see you continuing to grow as a person and finding more positives in your life.

Zoe

@outlander you say you don't need to talk about the past however you refer to the past very often here. That suggests to me that you do infact need to 'talk' about the things from your past that are holding you back and find ways (with help) to move forward in a meaningful way from those things that continue to haunt you. This is also evident in you saying you wake up to voices and shadows.

You also talk about getting help from offline MH professionals but are considering not seeing your psych anymore. That seems to be coontradictory to what you actually need. I understand that it is hard to do such things but for any real healing or any real progress to be made we need to adopt a more holistic approach - that is - continue to utilise ALL the resources at our disposal - meds, GP, psych, pdoc, etc.

There are times when one or more of these are not appropriate or available but stopping any of them suddenly can have a negative impact on other areas of our care 'package'.

I would also suggest that you look at how much time you spend on each of the things you do in your day and see if you can work out a more balanced time-frame that would allow more ME time for yourself.