I dont know how much longer i can go on like this

its weird because i dont really remember that much. I remember sitting in my car for a long time. I dont even know what i was thinking about. I just sat there for hours . I actually cleaned out my car and had no evidence of anything.

I had what i wanted to do in my head and i was set on doing it i just didn't know when.
Then i remember being in the hospital. It freaked me out because id forgotten i was there.
I remember driving in there thinking i needed to either go there or out the plan i had into action. I guess i picked hospital.

I dont really remember sitting in there but sort of remembering a nurse doing a few tests like bp

They said id told them about what happened with the dog attack and how if been struggling with that and the convo between mum and someone else and how i thought she blamed me and also the pain id been in and lack of sleep and the nightmares and flashbacks.

They said that they think the stress of everything had gotten to me. And has caused like a stress thing where the brain shuts down to protect itself.


I mustve been off in lala land truely because to get any sort or reaction they made me hold ice as it was cold and they said i hardly spoke a word after id told them what isaid above. I remember bits of holding the ice as it was cold and was dripping between my fingers
It mustve been like sleeping with eyes open.

Then i remember really 'waking up' and actually realising where i was. I didnt meantion what i had set out to do at all. It was like i totally went into the dissociation phase for a few hrs. I hardly remember anything. Only little bits and pieces.

I remember why i wanted to end things but i cant remember much else. I also remember being in pain. My stomach was hurting from cramps as that morning after 4 months i finally got my period.

Mum knows abit of what happened. She knows about the stomach ache id had and that was what id said to tell her.
I also told her that i was struggling again with thedog incident and that therapy was bringing alot of it all up. I didnt say she blamed me or anything else just those.
It was only overnight really so not too bad as i came around the same day i went in but they wanted to keep me there and make sure i was ok and it wasnt going to happen again.

I hope this makes sense.

edit: the parts that are slowly coming to me:

- i left a picture of myself and family so that when someone eventually found me they would have that picture as a memory. the way i would wanted to be remembered, not for who i am now.

-i self harmed alot and was in the transition to the next phase before i went to the hospital

-i remember being in the ED and then an isolation type room.

- i remember how i sure this was the end

- I only get 2 days worth of medications until they see fit to let me have it longer than 2 days.

i dont really know whats worse. Knowing what happened or not knowing the parts that i cant remember.

@outlander one day at a time - just for today I am hoping you can just focus on your own needs and try not to take on what others need or expect. I see that people here are here for you and supporting you. It's not uncommon to have only partial memories of an experience like you've had in the last 24-36 hours. I've been there too. I reached a point where I had to let go of filling in all the gaps, realized that there are some things I'll never know, and try to live in the present as much as possible. Still a work in progress tho'! Thinking of you today.