Night Shift

Hi @Appleblossom, @Mazarita, @PeppiPatty....

Thank you for all your replies. I couldn't respond straight away as I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of embarrassment about my living situation & other problems. Even my two good girl friends don't know the details of my living situation that well. I think it would be easier for me to say - I am homeless & live out of my car. I have had moments when I have considered that homelessness would be a better option. I also fear homelessness, as I fear it would equate with being sexually assualted (again).

Anyhow, I've re read your messages & I'm going to ring my psychiatrist's pager before my next session & ask her to intiate a one on one session. Hopefully she doesn't pass the buck & tell me I'm the one who has to be assertive.... Because I can't. I've tried with the relationship counsellor scenerio. As for the relationship counsellor - I agree telling someone their story is making you tired is unprofessional. I have aspirations to be a sports psychologists& I would never do that. Saying something like "you have dealt with a lot. No wonder you are tired" would be much more appropiate, empathetic & helpful. I didn't have an appointment to see him this week & I'm seriously thinking of making an excuse about not seeing him next Tuesday.... Just because my partner thinks "he can really help me" doean't mean that he actually can. I told him that I didn't think he could helo me & he said "you say that about anyone who challenges you", which is completely untrue & an over generalisation. My psychiatrist has been challenging me for 5 months about "behavioural activation" & even though it is hard to do things when you are depressed & don't want to wake up in the morning - I am doing it, because I was challenged. I agree @Appleblossom a partner isn't really that objective - I never realised that before now. Also, I think the fact remains - I have never been able to have a long term therapuetic relationship with a male psychologist or psychiatrist.

With my "mother in law" - I have made her cards & given her gifts to try to show my gratefulness for what she has done. I'm flat out keeping myself alive at the moment, so there is not much I can DO on the farm to give back. My partner has told me that she said that she doesn't expect me to do anything. I've been with my partner for 12 years & it took her all that time to realise just how much I struggle to live (even though she still really only has a tiny clue compared to my reality). In 2008 just before my worst psychotic break she was telling me to just get a job.... (she probably was telling me to get a job when I was experiencing it, but all the scary memories blocked that out - people didn't realise I was sick - I lived in a whole complete different reality for apx 3 months with delusions of reference & persecution - I still don't know WHY my partner didn't take me to hospital or force me to see someone....) Anyhow, she finally has a glimpse. My partner does a fair amount of work on the farm - he built a huge avairy for exotic mandarin ducks, pheasants, quail & doves that she decided to try to breed this year - he has made chook tractors etc. for the pekin bantam chickens she also decided to try to breed this year, he has pulled out heaps of lantana, helps with lots of odd jobs.... He has rsi in one wrist from working as a diesal mechanic (two failed operations, a court case & finally a small pay out) & a broken collar bone from a cycling accident in July last year - he works in pain - lives in physical discomfort. At the moment I feel like she is expecting him to do more for her before she helps us anymore. Since he won't let me drive for fear of me harming myself - he drives me to yoga & appointments... so somehow in my depressed,anxious,paranoid mind I believe I am the reason & it is my fault we are not getting more help to make our living standards more livable I'm taking up too much of the time he could be using to help her.... yep, no wonder I can't sleep till 12, 1, 2am at night these days....

I love my partner. My partner is doing everything he can to help me - he wants me to be able to live with freedom. However, as you probably all know - people can often help you the way they think you need to be helped - not the way you actually need to be helped....

& I like my "mother in law"...

No one is perfect.

Especially not me!

Welll I did something for me today - I got my hair coloured & cut & I'm really really happy with it! I have been feeling ugly & fat lately & I just needed a PEP UP

I'm exhausted now - as I also went to the gp today to get an EPC to see an exercise physiologist (who I will see on Monday). Partners in Recovery reminded me about my eligibility to recieve an EPC & I used them to see exercise physiologist in 2011 & 2013.

Anyhow, I hope everyone is travelling 'okay'

How did the work thing go @Former-Member??

Kind thoughts,

A

Dearest @aButterfly

Thanks for your lovely message. I've got some great news to write......

Its just been too hard for me to cope these days. And, yesterday, I went with my partner to see new Doctor at a so c.alled supportive place...... We went to this place in the middle of Perth..The Appiontment was very positive.

.I came in for 10 minutes. to meet his nurse....... angels have been training him in being a good compassionate and proffecional. I then went and waited in the waiting room and car (and slept) . I was told that the Doctor was very profeccional and empathetic.

Then.....my partner came with me to a support group which ended up to be the best thing. The Arafmi support councellor and the group in the support group heard my partner's story that was his individual story. I felt that ....other people in the group benefitted from it. He also gave out valuable ....peer support on their situations...I was impressed because he was awake and listened.

She then got tough on me and repeatedly asked me what days do you want to have for yourself.....My hub. was .....understanding .....I was crying and saying,,,,,,hub. you work it out......it's too hard to work it out what days I want alone, just let it be Sunday and Monday morning . She then wrote it out on a piece of paper and gave it to both of us and he is very happy about it. She then said that we will be working on me getting one more day..off....so I can reenergise myself.....when we got back from Christmas holidays.....

Im going to church!!

I felt energised. Today, I spent the day alone! I went to Spotlight and bought some fabric so can sew my sister's bag for her present for Christmas. She lives in America......I dont know her very well but am excited in her getting it.

dear @Former-Member

My Motherin law dislikes me and has told my hub. and lied to my mother why she doesnt like me.

She said it was because I got my hub. put in jail about 3 years ago for 9 months. What a pile of.........

Ive been working out it's because shes not in control of him and now someone else knows.........grrr.... dont get me started. It's difficult in that I cannot rely on her to be supportive for him.

@Former-Member can I just give you a thought......you should tell your good friends becuase they are your friends. Thats what friends do, they can talk and understand better and you would expect that they would tell you too if they were in a very sticky situation.

Please tell your Psychiatrist in the pager message.....your not strong enough to tell him????

@PeppiPatty I'm so glad to hear your positive news - especially that you have organised time out from being a carer! I WISH with all my heart my partner would take time out for himself - even just 2 hours to go for a bike ride once, twice, three times a week. I recognise he has carers fatigue & he has agreed. He is just so petrified if I'm left alone I will knock myself off.... He has been my registered carer & not doing things for himself for a year now...

I'm also glad your husband found a great new doctor!

& I think you are both "remarable" for making it work

Happy vibes,

A

That is very difficult with your mother in law @PeppiPatty.... my mother doesn't seem to like my partner & even arranged for me to met an Indian studying to be a doctor - told him all about me & he wanted to met me & get married & I would be a trophy wife - that was in 2008 & was one of several things that triggered the psychotic break - the main theme was - my mum is trying to harm me (in the worst possible way - can't use the word here) - I didn't see my mum for two years, so even after the worse of the psychotic break was over I still was certain that my mum was trying to harm me. Only when I went back on antipsychotics was I able to see her again. So I'm not exactly sure why my mum doesn't like my partner - I think she thinks he owes her more "respect". And my partner doesn't like her - for obvious reasons & also because she stresses the hell out of me. I can barely talk to her for 20 minutes without feeling overwhelming anxiety. Family, hey....

I will stress the point to my psychiatrist - thank you for encouraging me to do so....

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady....

What has been hard about today? Would it help to talk about it? I know you probably really need sleep after a hard day & I can emphasise as I've had a lots of hard days lately & I can't sleep because my mind won't shut up & goes in anxiety loops.... I find crying releases tension. Does crying help you? I'm hoping you can sleep soon if you don't feel up to sharing or if you do - I'm too anxious to try to sleep yet, so I'm here....

Kind thoughts,

A

Hugs @Crazy_Bug_Lady Sorry you're feeling so awful 😞

Do you have tomorrow off - as its friday? Hope that you are able to get some sleep and that tomorrow is better

lj

You know @Former-Member

Lots of people like you here and have been in your exact situation ....

You said that you love your partner. Can you work with this?

I dont know if @Crazy_Bug_Lady @Mazarita @lostit @Appleblossom will agree with me but I read your story...and wanted to give you a big hug and say.....yes, this is happening.

The thing that annoys me actually is your Social woker...I've had a terrible councellor in the past....I know what happened to her because something very strange happened and I ....heard about it and couldnt help but think...... what what do you expect! I saw this terrible councellor for over 4 years when I was in my early 20s , I stopped seeing her and after many years....she ripped up her graduation, sent it back to the Proffessour at University where she went, blew all her money on plastic surgery and left the country...lol

How I found out was....the wonderful therapist that I see now.....this is so weird......good story......when she first saw me in early 2003. My therapist was a little surprised when I first saw her, police, my son was incredibly ill.

The years went by, we cut down my sessions to once per week.... and one day she has this gleam in her eye. I said...what? She said that she sees this Supervisor....a debriefer and after a little while.....this supervisor tells her that she actually met me when I was seeing this terrible councellor. She said that the councellor was so bad that the supervisor was trying to get her to give me up but I kept on insisiting on seeing the bad councellor. So, she felt helpless then I did quit seeing this councellor. The supervisir told my good therapist that she just hoped that one day I will come back to therapy.

She said that she was so glad that this new Psychotherpist stuck with me....and wrote me an email.

wow...

The years went by, my son got better....I married the man I love, my Mum came p.......... off because she didnt think that we should have been together, .......

Stay strong honey.

Dear @Crazy_Bug_Lady

How are you tonight? I just wrote @Former-Member a message.

Love Anne