Night Shift

Another day and how is everyone?

I'm on a bit of a downer today. I've lost motivation with the daily activities plan I was doing. Exercise has gone out the window and not much in the way of domestic tasks either. Simultaneously I'm in the process of giving up both kinds of smoking, getting out of the flat a lot more for challenging social outings, trying to get myself into better sleep hygiene, trying to enact daily activity plan, and restarting creative projects. This compared to doing virtually nothing at all about 5 months ago.

Psychiatrist, psychologist and peer worker all trying to help me with different parts of my life and I'm finding it all a bit much to juggle. I'm feeling extra tired and more irritable than I have been for a while. Still, I managed to make the bed as usual and get some washing on before starting this post but I haven't even opened the blinds yet at 2.30pm (will do that when I hang the washing out). I'm also still having trouble getting myself into the shower regularly enough. Hopefully later today because I need one!

It's not as though I have some miracle time in the past to refer back to when all this was working together for me. I never have functioned well in my life. Is it even possible for me, I wonder. Anyway, it's still earlyish in the day. I hope the rest of it is kind to us all.

Hi Everyone....

@Mazarita you are doing fine... it is okay to have a bad day or two or three or four or... etc. I am trying hard to do more activities too. Your efforts actually inspire me. I'm also feeling low today.... I did go to yoga though. Breathing steady was difficult, as I still have some phlegm lingering.

My living situation is getting me down….. We live on my partners mum's farm (who wants to live with their “mother in law”?!) At first we lived in the house with her & her partner. Her partner is an abusive high functioning alcoholic & when I am near him (even when he hasn't been drinking) I am hypervigilant & very anxious (often experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety as well as all the nasty psychological symptoms). Anyhow, now we live in a cabin (like what mine workers live in) about 50 metres away from the house. My partner renovated it well. However, it is very small & it is very difficult to keep clean & tidy. In one room is the kitchen (no stove, limited bench space), lounge & television - & in the other room there is the queen bed, a cupboard & a scattering of boxes. We are storing our stuff (which for me is mainly books) in black containers with lids & I can only fit so many under the bed. A lot of our stuff is still unsorted in cupboard boxes in a shed). Partner is talking about building shelves in the corner for me to put things on. We don't yet have running water. My partner fills up a camping water drum with water every apx 2 days. The dishes aren't getting clean enough for my standards & I worry about germs. (Probably why I got the cold…) I only do the dishes occasionally, because I can't cope with washing dishes in dirty water. Today I've been tidying the kitchen cupboard spaces I can reach to try & feel a sense of order, balance, control....or something. So where do we cook? Well a shipping container has been brought with the intention of giving us more space, so the cabin can be the kitchen & the lounge & the shipping container the bedroom. However, my "mother in law" seems to have run out of money to help us pay for the costs of renovation. (She makes her living breeding & selling animals). Anyhow, at the moment my partner cooks on a gas burner in the shipping container where there is also a camping toilet for me to use during the day. I just keep thanking the universe I don't have OCD, because this all stresses me enough whilst experiencing generalised anxiety. In the mornings when I need to do a number 2 (sorry if too much information) I have to go into the house & risk seeing the triggering alcoholic (I have PTSD from an abusive relationship with an alcoholic + another trauma). It is also a risk I have to take when going to have a shower or to do laundry. Anyhow - that is my stressful living situation. As my partner decided to become my carer a year ago - we cannot afford to rent privately.

Anyhow, @Former-Member - it sounds like you are going through a storm with lightening, thunder, strong winds, hail.... You are doing well to keep going. I can only imagine how hard it is. I hope you can return to work & manage life. At least give it a go 🙂

Hi @Former-Member,

Well, just did three loads of washing, two bucket handwashes, dishes and cleaned up kitchen (without doing floors). All it took was having a whinge on the forum here about not doing things, lol. At the best of times my days are pretty sparse with activities, which is why I worry when I seem to be falling down on the small amount I do actually becoming a reliable daily routine. That and the fact that I only came out of seven years of barely leaving the flat and just sitting emptily through so many days (or sleeping) before this. I really don't want to go back there. I'm so glad my little efforts to improve things over time are inspiring to you.

Great that you went to yoga again, despite lingering phlegm. If I was you I would see once a week as the regular activity you're aiming for and anything on top of that as you being inspired. From what I've read of your posts on the forum so far, it seems to me that you may perhaps be consistently setting the bar too high to reach on a number of things in your life. Goals need to be achievable or they set us up for failure and make us feel bad about ourselves. That's my experience anyway, may be wrong in relation to you of course.

Living on a farm, I could imagine pros and cons to it. I was born in the country and often fantasise about living there again but would find such primitive living conditions very hard at this age (though I lived in places that were condemnable when I was younger). If you are there out of necessity rather than actively wanting to be there, I could imagine it could be very hard. I feel for you with living with your 'mother in law' and a man you would really be better off not seeing.

If I was in your situation I would ask myself whether this is really the only option for you and your partner in the long run. I live on a disability pension paying market rent in a nice little flat across the road from the beach, and am even able to save a little. Finances between my partner and I are completely independent and he earns only slightly more than I get (because he's in a low paid industry and can only get part-time). I'm not sure how much carers are paid by Centrelink but it seems like there may be some other longer term options for you both since your current living arrangement does not seem the best for you. However, I fully understand that moving is a big thing to do and housing situations are often complex for various reasons.

Sending a friendly pat to your kittens and always wishing you well, butterfly.

Hey @Mazarita....

Well done on doing a heap of chores! I took my washing of the line - folding it as I went. Now I just have to put it away. I also did some hand washing!! I had four items of clothing I needed to hand wash. The man I would be better of not being around was in the house (home form work or wherever he was), so some anxiety was involved....

Yes, I do set the bar too high. It started in childhood, so it is a difficult habit to break. Thanks for the reminder....

I'm going to ask Partners in Recovery to help me with applying for government housing. I am going to apply for it in a costal city. I really hope my partner is only my registered carer for a few more years & I am in a better space mentally + he can go back to work = not living with "mother in law" & the man...

I have always lived in cities, so it has been very difficult for me to adjust to the country.

Kittens are very happy & I'm surrounded by them at the moment - one very good thing about my living situation is being able to have cats (although 1 would of been enough!) Katniss, Primrose & Cacao send purring loves ❤️

@Former-Member

Big pats on the back to you for doing some washing work. I know what you mean by 'now I have to put it away'. I'm often doing the next wash before I've even put away the old, lol.

With setting the bar too high, I have done this so much in my life. Very high aspirations when younger that I really beat myself up badly in order to try to attain, battling through crash after crash, only to find really that there was probably never any realistic way I was going to be able to manage a life like that even if I could get there temporarily. I have to remind myself about this so as not to do the same kind of thing again in various ways. I'm a perfectionist and it really has got in the way of my life at times. It's a good trait in some ways and in some areas of activity but I have sometimes found it very crippling.

Great idea with government housing. It's something I really need to think about for the long term too. The trouble with market rents is that they keep rising beyond income level so my rosy picture of the nice living setup here right now does have its own problems in the long term. I haven't got a plan for that as yet. I can see that it would be a culture shock for you to go from city to country. But you seem to have a good awareness of what's happening and why it might be impacting your mind and emotions, which is always a good place to start in improving things.

Have you had any more thoughts about how to see the psychiatrist alone? I hope this is something that will be possible for you at some future time. It seems like it would helpful.

Yay for the kittens!

Thank you @PeppiPatty - scones and a fun afternoon sounds lovely!! I can't remember what you asked now LOL (only just read it, but will go back and look in a sec!) (notice i remember the food part!)

Thanks @Appleblossom - no you're not making it seem harder 😄 you're thinking logically and rationally! I'm not really sure how i'll do dr visits for myself with the kids with me that is... But will have to see how we go i guess and same with my psychology appts, i dont think i'll be able to continue with them but maybe i need to try and just get on with life now and 'do it'. im not really sure... i think to be honest in life i just fly by the seat of my pants a lot haha!

I'm really anxious about meeting my new kids tomorrow and not really sure what my role is for tomorrow now! eek oh well, it will work itself out i suppose.

I'm so so cross with myself, i took my lil girl out yesterday to get her a basic uniform for the new school (she's also going to have two transition days at the new school) and we've left it behind somewhere and lost it! doh! and as i only just realised now, i wont be able to go and get her any to wear! gah! sigh! not the best start! My lil boy is very nervous about his transition days too and has been chewing on everything! Everything is soggy! I'm really hoping he goes ok tomorrow and Thursday. My lil girl has be alternately a bit teary and excited but nervous. At least with her I can talk to her and she knows whats worrying her, whereas my little boy is just in fear mode and not really sure what he's scared of so acting out a bit.

I havent slept much this week and i look terrible! doh! also not a great way to go tomorrow lol and i have no idea what im going to wear!! I had a quick look for a casual top today but nothing seemed right, or was too much... oh well!

yikes!

LJ

Hey again @Mazarita....

I put the clothes away before I read your message

I haven't worked out how to ask to see my psychiatrist by myself. I edited the letter this afternoon. I have to take my computer over to the house to print it, so I will try to do that tomorrow. I was going to send it & then ring her pager a few days later. Sometimes she talks to me for 10 minutes, so hopefully that will be enough. Also, maybe she has an idea of how to say in my next session "I just want to speak to A this time"

I am also a perfectionist, but I have learnt how to live with imperfections a lot better in the last few years (I think my previous psychologist helped with that & also accepting praise & compliments).

Oh, I read another novel! I saw Mockingjay Part 2 with a firend last week & I thought it ended differently to the book, which I read in 2012 when the first movie came out. Therefore, I re read the last book in the trilogy, but it turns out I remembered it wrong!!

Time to feed the kittens!

Whats for dinner for you?

@PeppiPatty

Hi, no there's no aframi here and yep im in SA. Coz its a country place there are limited services available. I need to go through dr and paed to get the NDIS - also the NDIS is still only for children up to age 13 in SA, and even though its been rolled out for a while, it doesnt seem like anyone down here really knows how to access it or been accessing it.

I'm not sure what community stuff is going on at Christmas here as its the first one i've had here (we moved down here in March). But the kids and i will muddle on through.

I was thinking of calling up the MIND kids service that helps coordinate services for kids - they might also have some ideas about NDIS but i think thye're run through Adelaide and I hate being on the phone! - but might be something my support worker can help set up before I go back to work (if i make it through tomorrow!)

How are you going with getting some you time and space? Hope you've managed to look after you and get some respite, think of you too,

LJ

Best of luck @Former-Member!!

Geez, losing a uniform is no good! Aren't they expensive??!