Night Shift

Thanks lj. Now to get the thoughts translating into more positive actions. Ay, there's the rub. How's today where you are?

Hey @Appleblossom .... I'm sorry to hear you felt you & your children were inferior. I am short (160cm) & wish I was taller! We often seem to wish for the opposite of what we have. Height certainly does not make anyone inferior or superior! Our minds can play awful tricks on us by telling us what we should & shouldn't be.

I'm trying to make my expectations more realistic. That is one of the problems the "relationship" counsellor identified. These days you need qualifcations to do anything - especially help people.

I couldn't sleep until apx 1am in the morning & woke up at 6am. I feel very low. I need at least 8 hours quality sleep at night. (Sometimes I need more.... )I know I had trouble falling asleep, because I slept a lot yesterday during the day yesterday. I can't win!!

Hey @Mazarita - I'm glad you are pleased that you have been accepted into the program. I hope it is beneficial for you. I'm putting off ringing Partners in Recovery. Maybe I'll ring them this afternoon or tomorrow. To be honest, just going to my psychiatrist every fortnight & now this "relationship" counsellor every week makes me feel like a "sick girl" & all I am is my mental illness. I'm not sure how more "support" would help & I'm still not exactly sure how & if they can help me.

Hey @Former-Member

Hey @Former-Member,

I get what you are saying about making goals more realistic, that seems important. I've had some very unrealistic aspirations in my life. Some of them even came off to a small extent without being fully realised. Sometimes I feel hopeless about having 'failed' in an overall way and at other times I can value where I got to with such high ambitions anyway. For example, plays I acted in when young, media projects I was involved with later, various other fragmented involvements in the arts throughout my life. These things never turned into a proper career but they were fantastic experiences. But I understand how it is when we are not able to connect with those happier feelings too. I'm sorry you are low. Sending you hugs.

Hey @Former-Member,

Haha, about the forum, it could well be the key element in my slow recovery so far. I do feel very warm towards people here and so appreciate the day to day contact. Great to hear it's a beautiful day where you are and that you are sprucing up the nest. Great too that you have started the calendar. I wouldn't have a clue how to sew a pirates costume and don't have a sewing machine. Another of your talents! Much love to you too!

Evening @Former-Member & @Mazarita....

OMG I wanted to be an Oscar winning actress before I had a nervous breakdown when I was 21 @Mazarita (speaking of big expectations!)

I take a benzo at night. I have been taking it for almost 13 years, so it has been become ineffective and now I have a dependancy. I have reduced the dose dramatically this year, as I don't want to be dependant on it for the rest of my life....

My back is sore. It has been getting worse & worse for maybe two weeks. It is not extremely painful, but I'm not coping with it - so I've booked a massage with one of my yoga instructors for Wednesday. I first wanted to die when I was 10, as I was experiencing back pain as a result of scolosis. The scolosis was corrected with chiro, but I had lower back pain for years after..... The chronic low back pain settled down in about 2008. I guess what I am trying to say back pain is a trigger for my depression...The yoga doesn't help with the back pain. You would think it would. I think it may actually be causing it (& stress!)

I'm really tired....

The relationship counsellor seems to think our relationship is fine & doesn't know if he can help me due to the severity of my mental illness. I just want to keep seeing him mainly in case I have a another fight with my partner & I need someone to intervene. I didn't feel like he helped me today. I actually felt misunderstood....

My favorite kitten is laying on my lap, which is the best part of my day....

Hey @Mazarita and @Former-Member How are you? You both seem to have made subtle but clear positive changes. Good on you.

@Former-Member I am so glad you have reduced your sleeping tabliets ... I can understand why you want to get off meds eventually as we do develop tolerances and they stop being effective and have side effects etc ....

I can also understand with severe MI the need to manage it ... somehow!

At the moment I have a bit of sciatica .. which is not typical for me .... mostly my problem is in cervical spine and the lumbar area plays up only occasionally .... pain does have effects on our mood

Do you have another counsellor who is mainly focussed on your needs ... so the relationship counsellor is only for relationship? Is it worth keeping notes ... and remembering to bring it up next time ... that werent sure that he got your situation correct?

@Former-Member I was taking a benzo for about 9 months one year for a physical problem. I didn't have huge issues with coming off it fortunately, though I was very dependent on it when the symptoms were at their worst. That also coincided with an acute depressive episode. I also have crohns disease and I know how badly that effects my mental health when it flares up. There's no doubt in my mind that physical illness and pain is a strain on mental health. I'm glad you are getting a massage to help with your back. It's a pity you are feeling misunderstood by your couples counsellor. I hope this improves. Cool that we were both into acting.

@Appleblossom Thanks for your fair assessment of my progress as you've seen it on the forum over the past number of months.

Mostly my approach has been to do psychotherapy and limit the medications for myself ... I only started on meds 15 years ago and managed to somehow survive without them before that .. but it did not look pretty.

Today I saw my GP and listened and took her gentle hints that it was ok if I upped my meds. That I really should try to minimise my pain as completely as I can ... last time I saw her I refused the offer to increase but this time as I did have a flare up in between ... I accepted ... she also was not in a hurry for me to rush off and get a diagnosis ... if meds were having desired effect ... we still have one outstanding medical situation to deal with and she has flagged that for next year January ... so I guess it no quick and easy label for now.

It is a first for me to accept the meds and not push the therapy ... I have enough on my plate ... and am trying to allow relationship with this doctor develop organically ... in collaborative manner ... I like her ... so have optimism .... so a bit of pill popping for a while ....

In many ways I know I am my own worst enemy ... I just dont know how to feel or live an easy life ... I guess I am just a TRYHARD as some of my kids' friends observed with disdain.

@Appleblossom I've been told before that I 'get in my own way' and that I'm a 'try hard'. And I agree. I have tried so hard for things I've collapsed and could do nothing much at all for long periods of time. Like you, I went seven years in talk therapy with my psychiatrist for depression before starting taking anti-depressant medication. I'm glad you are developing a good rapport with your GP and that the two of you are co-operating on your treatment. Minimising pain sounds like it could be a good thing for you. Great to hear your optimism.