Night Shift

24/7 on top of me meaning ..that my son and my life is a bit entangled and not good enough boundaries or proper sleep .. how to separate out .. and let him go without pushing him away or clinging to him.

After I picked him up I told him that I wont do the busking driving for less than a 2 hour session. He had wanted me to pick him up earlier but then I spend most of the time on the road it helps for me to have at least an hour in between drives.

It was weird I plunged into shaking my head and arms in a frenzy, played a few bars angrily thumping the piano and almost went into self harm .. but cooked instead ... phew. I was feeling a bit over-controlled, by him, and just overwhelmed and not getting enough of MY piano time. But bad timing cos he was being nice saying he finally realises all the housework I have done. Lucky it happened in his absence .. just too much stress accumulating. When I picked him up I was 5 min to 5 ... 5 mins earlier than I said and 25 mins later than he asked for .. so it should have been no big deal. The cold night air had set in and his hands were cold on the keyboard.

Its so difficult to know the right hing to do.

I was so different. Yes I went up to Nimbin and Byron when I was 19 didnt go much further north than Gympie .. then we turned back ..

My brother made it to Darwin on his motor bike .. i am actually smiling now .. realising that it is was something he beat me at .. he was also desperate to beat me .. so he got that one .. all I wanted was to have my family together .. we are all coming from different places.

@Mazarita

I am seriously stressed out even though I do all the things that I do .. I actually dont feel I have a home I can relax in .. not my son's fault .. just cos I am so screwed up inside .. and start panicking .. I knock into things like the seat in the station .. or worry about falling in the gap between the platform and train .. cos my mind is not focussed and over focussed on controlling me .. I sit in the seat on the train and realise I am clenching myself and go through mindfulness program etc etc. I lay in bed because I think that I wont suddenly break out and do a suicidal act.

Sleep Hygeine is not the right thing on my agenda ... I am ok .. as I dont think I will ever do anything wilth full deliberate attention ... but when i get jittery .. thats how I am .. all my confidence twisted in on itself.

Saw the psychologist yesterday .. she is nice enough and I will work with her for a while.. Have my first visit to the hepatitis clinic tomorrow ..

Yep, I slept so much too yesterday, @eth. Uke was really the only thing that happened (aside from watching Star Trek Voyager, haha). Might hang around for a little while longer and then see if sleep will come again though.

@Appleblossom, that's a lot to be dealing with on an ongoing basis. It's amazing that you do so much. Is hepatitis a health problem for you? I don't know much about it. If it's something you live with, I wonder if it could be related to your stress levels too. I get what you are saying about the boundaries with your son, it's something you've been talking about for some time. Not being a mother, I don't know the feeling but I do know it from the other side. Perhaps there are never 'clear boundaries' between mothers and children.

I feel for you @Appleblossom with the issues of boundaries with your son the way you describe them. Maybe for different reasons but I went through that too with my adult child. Eventually they did make it happen themselves. I totally understand about the driving issue too - been there too. I think you did the right thing. Can he get some of those fingerless gloves that he can play keyboard wearing?

Hopefully the psychologist will help you work through the challenges you describe towards the end of your post.

@Appleblossom, @eth, I'm heading off to wind down a bit before trying to sleep again. Thanks for the wonderful company through the night again. Sleep as well as possible the both of you, whenever the time may arrive.

Goodnight @Mazarita wishing you deep sleep and sweet dreams 🙂

@Mazarita thanks .. there are not clear boundaries between mother and child and that is the way it is. The Hep isnt a huge noticeable problem ... but it is my new GP wanted to refer me to specialist as I have not had it properly checked out .. so just being thorough. Great you bought a uke.

@eth Yes i am finally able to have some weekly sessions with a counsellor. Hope I can start focussing on me issues more.

@Faith-and-Hope Thanks. I love the way you kept saying good night and kept dropping back in.

There is a lovely feeling of being able to connect .. with the whole me .. which is new to me .. and far more important at this stage of my life .. than rigidly enforcing sleep hygeine.

@Appleblossom Nice to hear you have that 'lovely new feeling' - where do you think it is coming from? I feel the same way about the sleep hygeine some days. I just want to enjoy feeling more positive when I am (like tonight) and sleep when I get tired.

I don't know much about your son and why the boundaries are not happening yet. How old is he? Does he have special needs e.g. health or disability? If you don't mind me asking. If you do mind that's ok.

The lovely feeling is being able to talk to other women candidly. Not being rejected.

My son is 23. He had diagnosis of sleep disorder and aspergers about 8 years ago. Refused to go to school from Year 7. My work was teaching piano at home. I only have one student now but had 25 back then. We spend a lot of time together .. he doesnt see his father much .. they seem to get on .. but he may only spend a couple of nights per year at his dads house.

2 1/2 years ago he had a serious episode and was hospitalised but has been stable since then.

I also feel troubled about him having the diagnosis .. so I am trying to find my diagnosis. I dont want him carrying the family load for psychosis .. if that makes any sense.

@Appleblossom I think the push away/cling struggle is harder when it's a 1adult + 1 child situation (only child or the last one living at home) and also compounded if there are health or disability issues involved. My child and I were so intensely bonded and I was so used to looking after their special needs that it was a real struggle for us to individuate over the last couple of years they were at home. Lots and lots of angry acting out on their part did not make it easier. And I worried intensely after they moved out. But now they are having an amazing independent life and I am used to empty nesting and caring from afar. It's still hard at times tho'.