Night Shift

@eth, I can imagine it would be hard to feel okay when you are chronically sleep deprived. Do you have any other ideas about why it might be happening. As in, do you notice any triggers to waking? For me, I think it might be a form of 'hypervigilance' in the night, as well as other things.

@Mazarita sometimes I have what I call a 'jump start' where it might be a noise that happens outside (e.g. next door's cats) before I wake putting me on instant alert, but most of the time there's nothing obvious.

@eth, yeah, I live in British Columbia. It's really pretty here! I've never been to Alberta, let alone Ontario. 😛

@Mazarita, I'm a huggy person in real life too! 😄 Huggers for the win. That's interesting, though!

@eth, good idea that you are now keeping a sleep journal. I'm still tallying smokes every day, as I have been since October last year. And only smoking halves, as you suggested. Also doing nightly 'worry sheets' to help keep track of my anxieties (this is part of the 'postpone the worries' exercise). Both seem to be helping me.

@Snuchu, huggers for the win, love it! I was in Montreal for about a week in1996 before heading down to New York. I liked visiting Canada.

I really wanted to go there too @Snuchu but didn't have enough money left by the time I got to Canada. I had 2 months in Denmark before heading to Canada. The only reason I was able to do Canada was because I could stay with family. I was having mania before I left Oz and when I booked and paid for the whole trip and as soon as I reached Denmark I crashed down so I ended up being less adventurous there and paying for better accommodation than I had planned just so I could stay in my room a lot! That was a very strange year for me, so many mistakes made and so much money spent - the last of my inheritance from my Dad. The one good thing I did was get a little new car and get rid of my old off road vehicle that was costing a fortune in repairs. The money I blew that year could have really changed my life since then but I can't visit regrets too often or I'd be frozen in time.

@eth, I went bankrupt after my manic years. Not that I was spending outrageous amounts, but living a bit beyond my very small means partly off my credit card. Racked up a debt I couldn't pay when I finally crashed around the time my dad died in 2003. No inheritance there as he lived in poverty his whole life. The only possessions he had when he passed fitted into a suitcase. As I've said before, I believe he had undiagnosed bipolar, with no treatment for it whatsoever.

😞 about your Dad @Mazarita. And about bankruptcy. I used my credit card for the last $2000 of the cost of the new car and am still paying it off over 3 years later because the bank hit me with cash advance interest rates instead of purchase interest and I have been on the pension. But I've whittled away at it and am getting there. Thank goodness I only ever had a low credit limit. I can only imagine what it's like to have to go bankrupt. Have you recovered from that now?

I'm going to head back to bed @Mazarita and @Snuchu. Talk again soon.

@eth,

Yeah, it made me sad writing that about my dad. And yet it gives greater clarity to my own life to write about it. I've been poor all my life, though not as extremely as he was. As a child, they lived in a tent for a while after his dad left. There were six kids in the family and a single mum at a time when there weren't pensions to be had under those circumstances. They lived a lot on church charity. A very hard life he had, which accounts for some of the trauma inflicted on us by him too. He was almost completely misunderstood I think and yet so destructive at times it was hard to know what to do, though mum and I both loved him so much. At other times, he was playful and funny. Intelligent though only went to year 7 at school. Self taught guitarist and country singer who had songs recorded and released by a known country singer. Also taught himself how to write short stories. There are good things I inherited from my dad that are better than money.

Glad to hear you are getting there with your credit card debt. That's hard on the pension, you are doing well. I didn't think a great deal about having to go bankrupt at the time but it hit me afterwards quite hard. Weirdly, one of the first temp jobs I got afterwards was working for insolvency accountants. I had to listen one day while an accountant announced in the lunchroom that all bankrupts were liars and cheats. Knocked me for six and couldn't go back to work for a few days afterwards, then disclosed to the big boss that I was a bankrupt myself. They still kept me on as they were very happy with my work. But I only lasted six months in that job though they wanted me longer. Another breakdown. The job ended after I spent half a day crying uncontrollably at my desk. I will never risk having a credit card again. Debt free now and a debit card does me fine.

Night night, @eth. I took ages writing that last one and we missed each other but it was probably more therapeutic for me than good to read anyway. Hope you sleep well this time round.