Night Shift

Thank you @Mazarita

For seeing my need through the wall of words and my attempt to tough it out.

I am not really retributive, but these people are part of the small classical music community that I know. They are basically good people. I am sure things will come around again. I saw the choir president's hubby playing brass at church last Sunday. So it is not simply a walk away issue. Everything is interconnected ... and I am not quoting New Age guff. But what happened should not have happened to me ... it might have even triggered my preocuupation when I had the accident last year, coming from one of the first clashes I had with her. I pleaded for help to just keep going from the president. I was desperate not being mean. I was diplomatic. I was forgiving again and again, I just dont realise how much I endure. I am beginning to understand how complicated my situation is for others to understand. So it helps that we have a bit of history.

At least you Maz and Peppi and Lj have listened to me for long enough to know my issues and advise caution ... thank you.

Just typing that last post put pressure on me neck, I struggled to accompany his singing, so I have to go very gently. I am so close to being seen by the Royal Commission and my son deserves to at least understand the story so that he can move forward, lest history repeat itself.

I am tearing up because I do owe this site a lot of gratitude.

@Appleblossom, gentle virtual hugs to you, and a shoulder to dampen with tears if that's helpful too. I know how much you have been through in your life and don't see you as essentially retributive, just struggling with a legacy of much pain and hardship over time. I too find great solace in this forum, in many different ways. Sometimes I think it's a problem how much time I spend here. But it's so much better than what I was doing a year ago when I first arrived, sitting staring blankly into space in a chair for big chunks of my days, as I had been doing for quite a long time. The 'support group' type of friendships we develop here are above all so meaningful. The way we are able to lift each other's spirits at times, at others offer help in very practical, down-to-earth ways. Sometimes what we say to each other is a bit dodgy, sometimes it hits the mark, sometimes it's just good to hear another companionable voice who has some understanding of what it's like to experience mental and/or physical illness in an ongoing way. Go gently and sending more good vibes your way, sister.

Thinking of you and caring @Appleblossom

I love the Sufi ideals too @Mazarita ... did some theatre work around whirling ...

and whirled on many a beach.

The comment was only made in March this year so I left and went back to the church choir. Most of the them have absorbed the news of the last year and dont hate me as the messenger any more ... they realise it was bigger than anything i had said or done, that it was just rife and had to come out in the open. SO at least they are being decent to me now.

I did not mention the choir change to anyone at the time, but I struggled to work it out, dutifully medicated myself and am still on higher dose. It was very stressful for me as those who were on the site in septoct know. The conversation on the thread just triggered my anti-stigma nerve.

I did not intend revenge: the presidents are a lovely psychiatrist and a lovely lady who teaches teachers about best practise in the field .. if you know what Berry St does.You will know how relevant it is my story. They really need to get some closure on it too. They need to know the longitudinal perspective that my story gives. It was also a social situation not a work situation. So I think the plan was to go back and sing at Christmas. But the problem is also that they are nice middleclass people who work in the field, but dont have any real idea of the accumulation of stresses that are "Written in the Body" when you have lived my life. When I say "please dont do that you are hurting me" ... I am serious .. I am not catastrophising ... if people persist and they often do .. I cannot get intense or raise my voice too much ... so it takes a while to get the message across, and thus more stress.

Otherwise Maz I have to stay inside, just like you, if so called civilsed, caring, sensitive arty people cant take my statements as bono fides. I thought they would, but in the church the class clown would whack me on the back to get my attention. When I mentioned to the last psychologist that I should put a piece of of paper on my back telling him to be careful ... she said that would be immflammatory. No win. Not seeing her anymore. Maybe I will try and get a bracelet or something to prove it from my doctor ... but due to the old doctor leaving I have to start tomorrow with a new one. ... anyway something to think about.

I am ok, but I think it is time for me to go to bed. Sorry if I mucked up a good conversation. It was not my intention. In some ways I am like @Silenus I long for some friends to talk about all these things with .. they dont have to have famous names ... you guys have been great.

Goodnight @Appleblossom. I hope the appointment with the new doctor goes well for you tomorrow.

@Appleblossom, you haven't mucked up any conversation as far as I can see. This discussion has I think become a kind of collective stream of consciousness that has a life of its own that we all contribute to. I understand a bit better from your last post your situation with Berry St. I don't know anything about that place but will look it up. Even though we have been chatting back and forth here on the forum for almost a year now, we still don't really know each other's lives 'in the flesh'. And none of us really fully understand each other from the inside out anyway. That's what I mean that sometimes what we say is off the mark, at other's getting it. I'm glad to see you back with us a bit more lately. A peaceful sleep to you tonight.

@Jacques are you still around? Did you get through to lifeline online chat? Were they helpful?

Who else is still here?

LOL @plasmo what do you mean 'half' here? How are you?