Night Shift

When she was in grade 6 she gave me a certificate about what a good mother I was .. I still have it ...

Her tone has been strident domineering and critical in my presence. I am not really allowed to talk. My son still occasionally goes into a mute communication as that was imposed on us when he was young .. I would just mutely do the essentials as it was easier than controlling her ... she was allowed to defy me too much ... I think the ex thought it was funny.

I think when she finally allows herself to realise that I actually really did try hard to be a good mother and give her a good experience in childhood she might feel mortified ... I see it as part of the problem with patriarchal structures.

So in a way both girls have rejected me ... she often lives with her father. The middle one ... I cant feel it is ok ... to say one is mine and one was not ... has been much more independant and hard working but also more stressed.

Did you raise them as a single mum .. stay with a partner etc ... ??

3 months prem is pretty serious ... if she is legally blind you probably had to take extra care

How did she handle it when you were in the MHU

I was single from before they were born (father went off with someone else) and mostly single raising them. The only partner around for a few years (with whom I lost a son at 20 weeks) was a domineering sociopath and it was getting away from him that led me into the SI period from post-natal depression that just escalated. My child was 9-10 at that stage. Wow so much of my story is coming out tonight and I actually feel ok about it. Thanks for listening.

We have been listening to each other .. thank you for sharing with me

Its a bit of a worry that it is much easier being a single mum than surviving in a toxic relationship.

That is why I think the gender discussions are good ... not so much of a battle of the sexes .. we are actually more similar than differnet ... its only some of the hormones that are different between the sexes ... most of the hormones are the same.

That is quite a serious trigger .... to SI

From birth they were in hospital for 11 weeks, still only 4 lb when they came home and back in to another hospital for eye surgery 4 days later. Such a full on phase of life. Bad post-natal depression for a very long time then.

When I was in the MHU it was incredibly hard for them. Especially the first time - my Mum brought them in when I still had charcoal all over me and was on resuscitation. Unbelievable. I found that very hard to forgive but had to live at Mum's for a while when I was in and out of hospital. During that time my sister had my child. When I went back in in 2000 it was also a huge trauma for my child as we were forcibly separated by people we thought we could trust at the hospital. Luckily I was out in 5 days and didn't have to go back. Then when I went back in 2009 they were already living independently and still somewhat traumatised, unable to visit me. We've talked about this stuff since and I've said how guilty I feel and they've said they don't blame me, especially now that we know I had undiagnosed bipolar 1 on top of post-traumatic problems. Major assaults prior to both the last two admissions but I don't want to go into detail about them.

It's definitely easier being a single mum than having to negotiate everything with someone else too.

I agree about gender and the hormones. I think the major differences are down to conditioning - parental, social and the media.

They was about 11 at the time they visited you .... that would have been tough.

I was 10 when I started visiting dad in hospital .... but I did not have to witness parent in such distress ... I am glad that they do not blame you .... it is enough that you needed to recover from such an ordeal

I initially wrote she ... but caught myself and changed post.

This is the 2nd time we have had a really good conversation ... for me ... I am going to try and get some sleep soon .. I hope you are not too open and will find it hard to sleep.

Main triggers are loss ... wanting to be with siblings ... not wanting to be here ... sense of failure ... more loss with sister and daughters ... its mainly about grief and not being able to give my biological children a safe and secure childhood

Thanks very much for being there and asking good questions @Appleblossom. I've been told before that my story is too much so I hope you sleep well too. Thanks for your sharing and your understanding. Goodnight