Night Shift

@Mazarita

When do you get a new Psychologist?

Thats awesome you made that decision. I must say, when I made that decision ...it was Very difficult.

I actually dont care about my past anymore. I have had so much therapy........gone down to the sewers of my soul and out again. It's very sticky and awful down there. I remember my dreams went from ...going into the depths of the yucky bits ....bad bits of blame and everything and stayed there for years then......into a desert of complete.......nothing....... and now........... filled with plants and stuff.

It's amazing to write to you about it. I do need huge amounts a support for my mother.

I go to a ...difficult community Centre in where I live...there are homeless etc, living where I live......and I find myself being able to be more.......just myself. I have started tutoring my neighbour and friend's granddaughter today......I cannot tell you what this means to me.

She has, on her loungeroom wall a row of paper dolls with her wishes around the paper dolls. She wrote it herself. Wow. @Former-Member helped me with another little Aboriginal girl a year or 18 months ago..... but it didnt work out....... was it last year @lisajane??

@Mazarita

There was a stage I needed to recover all week from a trip out of the house. Now I might need 2 relax days to 5 active days .. so that feels pretty good ... and is a huge improvement.

Ukelele has been popular lately ... it fun and easy and tends to be fairly light-hearted.

Socialising was a whole lot harder ... now that I know what good clean fun is ... I think I am getting the hang of it???

Today I was working at my Bach Oratorio. I know its serious ... but it settles and soothes me to sing.. relieves the pain so that then I can be chatty and cheerful. I am being greedy atm .. maybe its mania I dont know ...I am in 4 choirs .. I am in a whirlwind of wonderful wonderful music.

@PeppiPatty, so wonderful that you are creatively tuturing the little girl. I hear already from what you have written so far how much it means to you. How beautiful the way you describe your 'nothing' is now filled with plants and stuff. I'm happy to be here whenever I can to support you with your mother. I love too that you have places where you can be yourself.

@Appleblossom, I hear you on needing a week to recover from a day out not so long ago. I think what I'm going through now as 'self-rehabilitation' with a lot of support. Sounds like you have done a very good job of that for yourself with less support there. I admire your strength and resilience. Support worker and I were talking today about what is an 'adequate' level of activity, especially taking into account physical health. I'm not sure if four oratorios is a manic level of engagement. Sounds like it's close to a professional level of engagement without being paid. Sounds impressive to me. Yes, hoping the uke group here will be fun: playful and can make nice 'miniature' music. I have such an intense seriousness in me in some ways. I think we all need some fun and play.

@PeppiPatty it is lovely you are tutoring your neighbours grandchild. Enjoy. How are your beach visits with Arlo going? Are him and the man able to share properly? We dont want either of them to feel left out. lol

@Mazarita We have big opera concert for market in Feb (1), then big concert for oratorio on Good Fri (2). I am wagging church choir (3) a bit to fit it all in but had email to day about doing some Elgar with them. And then tomorrow I go back to my regular chamber choir(4). I booked in partly to spoil myself ... as it keeps me feeling vibrant and alive and just cos it was possible in the diary and seemed crazy but good.

I cant possibly feel sorry for myself when I am getting through all that music, and now son is trying it and is on a big learning curve. You are right I dont get paid for it, but son went for a scholarship with one of them ...if he is selected .. he will be paid money for singing and ATTENTION for future musical and vocal development. Fingers crossed on that one.

Yes working out the right amount of activity is important ... I still think of you calmly sitting in meditation in your armchair all day ... you posted about it once.

@Appleblossom, I didn't mean that not getting paid for it diminished the accomplishment. More that it's a high level of engagement you have and to me that means you are a serious artist. Most artists, in any field, do not get paid, or very little. It's just a fact of life from what I've seen and experienced. The dedication involved is high, especially to do it over a long period of time as you have. ox

@Mazarita I didnt take offence and understood what you meant. Thank you very much, but it was just the situation re son. its how being a mother aslo winds up being wrapped up in most things we do .. I dont really know how to compartmentalise being a mum. As I knew the scholarship op was there it was part of why I did it ... but also trying to be clear with him re boundaries and him getting on with his life separately. it was only offered to those under 28.

In a way, I feel worried for son as I know that doing arts is not a well paid career path, and he feels a lot of pressure re earning etc ... so I am still keeping fingers crossed.

Good morning, everyone,

@PeppiPatty, forgot to reply to a question in your earlier post: I start with the new psychologist at the end of February. It was a difficult decision to make and I still have to meet with the old one on Friday for the last of our sessions, to thank him for his help and to let him know I will be ending them here. Hoping for closure for the both of us but very nervous about having to tell him I'll be finishing here as he's already started talking about the next sessions as though it is a given that I will be continuing. I want to be kind and respectful with him about it (even though I don't think he's always been kind in his attitude to me). I have come to suspect he may be suffering from depression. Out of the blue he started talking about the high suicide rate of psychologists and psychiatrists in one of our first meetings, and there are other indications of it, though I could obviously be wrong about this too. But the fact that mental health professionals are human, make mistakes and have personal and professional struggles is something I want to remember more. It would be better I think if we didn't have such an 'us' and 'them' mentality. Also, I have the idea that therapy may work better if we can find the headspace to respect and give a damn about them as humans while they are caring for us.

@Appleblossom, glad you understood, I didn't word it that well. I can imagine that if I'd had children I would have been almost completely taken up by looking after them. In my case I think it would have been a disaster with my long term mental and physical health problems, always-poor income and very little support. That was the main reason I chose not to do it. You seem to manage well looking after your son and yourself. His scholarship opportunity is great, and it's brilliant (and necessary) that you are encouraging him to be independent of you. From what I've seen and experienced, some people do make it as income earning artists over a long time. Others make a living via related channels like teaching, arts admin, etc. When I was young and embarking on a life in the arts, I recognised it was both an area of talent but also all I was really able to do. Despite my lifelong struggles with rent and daily living, the arts have been a blessed lifeline too, and have given me a measure of self esteem and self expression that I wouldn't have found elsewhere. I don't mean to discourage anyone wanting to enter the arts because it is wonderful in so many ways.

I get the sense you dont regret your choices in the arts and thats important. I was working at he tax office at the same time doing my "arts" degree and actually felt sorry for people who chose commerce ... couldnt think why anyone would ... but now I realise the call of the almighty dollar hits a lot of people.

I certainly dont regret my choices re study, work, lifestyle options, artistic and environmental positions. I have carefully researched them and stick by them.

One of the benefits of the scholarship is that they are planning to start a small choir with the topshot singers they choose, which I wouldnt be part of. I would only go to the main choir occasionally when they needed extra people for a big choral bash. So that would be more separation and independance for him.

As I was so independant I value it in others .. but also dont want to push him away while he is getting established. Once he can stand on his own 2 feet I will back right off.

I was worried more at first as he was so anti-school, I thought he wouldnt be able to teach ... but he is going through things logically, found out that he likes teaching and is gradually viewing the institutions in life as necessary ... and finding a way to accept them. All part of maturation.

@Appleblossom,

I had the same feeling about lawyers when I was working as admin support for them in some of the many casual, part-time or temporary jobs I've had. Such a lot of time, effort and training for a 'prestigious' occupation that a lot of the time was really only somewhat more advanced admin work than I was doing. Except that their hours were much longer and they were under a lot more pressure. I guess the money is the reward for so many people but I have never been driven like that with money except to cover basics. Haven't even done that very well at all due to my mental and physical health issues. That's just me though. Crohns Disease was terrible especially when I was younger and made the mental health issues so much worse. But I don't regret the arts , though I'm wiser now about the difficulties of it as a vocation. Great about the special choir that your son might be a part of and that he is taking a mature approach to teaching. Things are very promising for him at this time, long may it continue!