Night Shift

dearest @Maritza and friends,
i need some help.....
is that okay ?

my mother in l has hated me from day one : when she was working from sheer hard work....she was well known and she is quite well to do now. she has two children suffering times of mental ill health : one is my hub.
its been a nightmare; she spreads rumours about me like it was me who put hub. in jail ( I never did....but worked very hard at trying to get him out )
so when we decided to give it another go ; we decided to have coffee with both mothers once per month as they are also mid 70s.
.later after coffee back at my place ......my MIL drove my hub home with some things of his because hes moving in with me. iIwas talking to her complaining about my neighbour begging cigarettes from me.
my mil started saying; dont put my son down. dont make him feel bad. dont criricise my son. I said...ned that i never put him down that i was talking about my neighbour. and she hopped into her car and drove off
what do i do ? This has been going on for years. It's very stressful for me....my hub gets stressed and I feel I want to write her a message

A that her not liking me is about childhood repressed memories that she hasnt dealt with. It's called Trnsference and really, she should be grateful that I work so hard with her 'son.'

You can only control yourelf, not other people - my advice is to be VERY careful about how often you see your MIL and VERY careful about what you say to her and tell her. It sounds like you and your husband are a good and happy match (I just get that 'feeling'). It sounds lke the MIL is often not reasonable. Therefore 'manage' contact with her and be careful what you say to her. Don't 'engage' if it's going to hurt. You don't have to have coffee once a month if it's not working. I didn't see my parents at all for years and we still don't get on very well. I long and yearn for the relationship with them that I have never had, but have to admit that I've made it to middle age 'on my own' and we do keep in touch and see each other sometimes. And i'm going to win the Pulitzer Prize next year (sorry, I keep slipping in my bits of self-promotion) and that might FINALLY make them proud of me if I do it in conjunction with marrying Prince Harry and Saving the Universe from Imminent Destruction.

Or tie her shoe laces together 😞

hee hee! :0

Hi @PeppiPatty....

She sounds like a very toxic person in your life.

If it was me I would avoid her. I'm not good at playing happy families. I avoid my brother in law, which means I hardly ever get to see my sister, nieces (one I haven't met yet) & nephew (my sister doesn't have a drivers licence). I also have no contact with my dad & I ignore/advert my gaze from my 'mother in law' partner.... Therefore, I'm not the best person to ask. However, if you think she acts this way because of unresolved psychological issues I don't think writing her a message will help. You can only help people who WANT to be helped. Try to remember - hurt people hurt people & everyone is fighting a battle we don't know about, so always be kind.... Hopefully someone else has some better tips on how to manage the situation.

All the best....

Namaste,

Anna

I think people at this site think that I am male. I am actually female (if quite a 'masculine' female, i'll admit) and have corrected the misperception here at the site before. I didn't/don't really want to be too closely identified at this site but i guess i've given away a fair bit about myself here now.

anyway, i'm sounding paranoid ...

Write her a message if you think it's a good idea but be careful what you say (waiting until you have cooled down is always a good idea - doing anything as a knee-jerk angry reaction never works:- trust me on this one as i am the world expert on the topic, unfortunately). Do also remember that you can't control her reaction to your letter. You can only state your case calmy, and hope for the best. (Of course, some things are better said face to face but you make that call). It's up to you. But 'keep calm and carry on' is a pretty good one to live by. Protect yourself and your relationship (which sounds worth protecting) and don't worry too much about your MIL's behaviour - she sounds a bit incorrigible. Maybe ask her if she needs any help instead? Or buy her some flowers? The last time I bought my mother flowers it shut her up for hours! 🙂

I have been disingenuous in letting people think i am male. sorry. it arose from not wanting to be too easily identifiable at the site. anyway, it doesn't matter much. although i am a newly-minted christian (or trying to be) I am middle-aged and have actually spent a lot of time in inner cities with the gay crowd. but anyway, i'm sorry to anyone who feels that i misrepresented myself. i hope my advice is still useful 🙂 😞

HI Dear @PeppiPatty,

Well it is a tough one, the in-laws, my mother and fathers parents hated each other and each others spouses, mum and dad where always having to deal with one side or the other interfearing.

My best advice is tell your partner what happened, it is his mother and he needs to set boundries, if she feels you have said/done something wrong, maybe some family counciling might work. or even a family meeting. but your husband/partner needs to set rules and boundries for his mother, to make is clear where the line in the sand is. if you are both happy, try not to focus too much on outside forces. it is your ralationship, your and your husbands happyness is paramount.

sorry if i have spoken out of line, i have just seen to much of this in my own parents lives.

Take care @PeppiPatty, please give plush Mr Arlo a cuddle for me 🙂

Jacques

Amazing @Terry

Thanks.

Ile see what everyone ele says.......

Your very clever. We are very happy and she is using Transference to lead her and it's really sad that she need to do this....er

In Transference, which @Jacques knows a lot about from his German relatives ( am I right Jacques??) you have to just let the other person work it out themselves....ie....Anne, in therapy for over 18 years.......thats me......

Okay Anna, I thought you came from a good family....your confusing me now......not seen your neices?? Thats terrible.......but I must admit, it's taken me years to resolve my brothers issues with me but we all work very hard at getting along.......

Golly Terry, I know your a female......now back to this situation.......

Transference....meaning she is triggered by unresolved childhood issues whenever she sees me or think of me and cant let her 48 year old son to move on.

Okay.......yes, I have to ler this go. I have to just keep on being kind to her.

Jeepers. Oh by the way @Terry,

I really like when you become yourself.......

A pulzi...prize??

Im so sad.....

Hugs @PeppiPatty, i know how much your hubby means to you.

Allow some time to pass, i am sure it was just a misunderstanding, it will sort itself out.

be gentle with yourself, let Mr Arlo cheer you up 🙂

Jacques