Night Shift

Every time I see that kitten @Former-Member......

Every time I log on and see your gorgeous kitten as your image.........LOVE

Im writing to @Mazarita just to let you know.....me and @littlebuddha have been looking at your video poems again today.......I just cant thank you enough........

This is not much @Former-Member

you remind me of my half sister in America. Last year, my Dad passed away from Mesothilioma . I was emailing him for the past 2 years so when he did die, I had a really good experience of him.

His wife, who has spent years disliking me and actually ...my half sister as well....drove down the ,street and my half brother was killed in a car accident. Well, Ive been writing cards to her .... just....writing the weather is nice tiday...ARlo jumped over a fence....etc......and not getting much responce back....but yesterday, there was a photo of my half sister sitting next to my step mother online and...she had her arms wrapped around and supporting my step mother......my step mother who wouldnt even sit in the same room as my half sister and her Girlfriend on the day my father passed away...and here she is.....holding her up and hugging her with love.

Sorry about the rant.......I hope your feelng good today. I love reading your messages. Im far too self involved (in a good way!!) to get into many threads but you and @Maritza @Jacques @Billamba @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Loopy @Aenoran @Crazy_Bug_Lady @Neb @littlebuddha @Chris @Ruth @chookmojo and people who write on a few threads like this one.......are just lovely....

hi @Billamba,

sorry for interupting, you ladies are chatting about some pretty intense family stuff, it has brought up some memories for me. When I was 9 my father tried to get in contact with his family in Germany, I spoke to them, anyway to make a long story short, they told dad they wanted nothing to do with him or me ever. I have never met them or even have any photo's, it is like half of my family don't exist.

thank you for writing and thinking of me, struggling like you, but managing to push past the really bad stuff and keeping myself safe.

@Billamba you are so lucky you can cry, I have so many built up emotions I can't release, yesterday I just fell apart, I wanted to cry, but couldn't.

stay strong @Billamba, I hope you manage to move on and make some new memories, ones to replace the bad ones, that is what I try to do.

take care

Jacques

Hi @Jacques, glad you posted here, you are always welcome here.

@Former-Member, wonderful to read in your 365 thread about your water play with the children today. It makes me smile to think of you running around and enjoying that with them. Sounds great, your realisation about focussing on the centrally important things. Glad that you, @PeppiPatty and @LittleBuddha are still remembering the vids.

@Billamba, personally I think running is sometimes the best thing to do. As you say, space is often a good thing when there is conflict arising. Sorry to hear you have been so upset today.

@PeppiPatty, it's great that you were able to have a very good experience of your father before he died. My father and I had only started to give each other hugs and say 'I love you' to each other towards the end. It means a lot and gives me better peace of mind now that he's gone.

@Former-Member, hope your MIL's birthday went okay and that your anxiety has given you a break. Thanks for the well wishes about my friend's nephew.

It's been a very low key couple of days here at home, not leaving the flat actually. Video editing for long periods of time, not wanting to do anything else really. Friendly encounters with my partner. Eating erratically, as usual. Smoking, but keeping under my cutdown target so far this week. It's the crazy week between xmas and new year now so I'm just not going to worry about any of it.

@Mazarita That is great staying under target on smoking through a stressful time. Your comment re 3 years not being a long time is important.

@Billamba Sorry there was a fight around Christmas. Glad you are getting away for a bit.

I never like to tell people what to do as relationships are so complicated. Maybe you will be able to make it staying at home maybe things will improve. I agree that when stuff doesnt get addressed properly it remains an issue.. which is why I mentioned my personal situation... and the fact that it plays out in every family in small and big ways. What happened for us is a painful point about that.. and became tragic .. as my brother couldnt live with the violence he caused ... Your parents denial of the severity will effect your trust of them and your brother ... sometimes a fight can open things up and clear the air ... other times it doesnt help.

At least you know that a lot of us have gone through the abuse side of it and also tried to deal with it in our families ...

As a parent ... I ended up settling for 3 kids in 3 different households ... to mediate my own children's various issues and differing personalities. I was very scared as didnt want their generation to fall into serious traps of former generation ... they are all doing ok but we have lost sense of family unity .. I wanted them to have clarity about themselves as individuals .. bottom line .. there arent easy answers.

The most important thing is nurture your self worth and right to decent life ... how that will look ... . Forgiveness is a concept people mention a lot .. I submitted and forgave my brother but it wasnt the issue anyway .. within 5 weeks he lost control with his 2nd wife ... then suicided ... over indulgence of abusive behaviour is not right for the "favoured" child .. for forgiveness to be of value .. it needs to involve recognition of the injury ... and commitment not to repeat it and some form of recompense ... sometimes tears and admissions make a difference ... sometimes they are tossed off too easily. Time and the attempt to work things through is the only way to find out if people are genuine.

@Former-Member anxiety usually has a reason .. being able to live with anxiety is a huge challenge but it keeps us honest about our vulnerability as people ...maybe that friend wasnt the right person to be around .. maybe stuff happened to them ... battery died and then embarassment took over ..

I hope everybody else is well too... @Former-Member and @Jacques and @PeppiPatty all considering.

I havent left for my trip yet ... a couple more days .. but extra organising to do ... I was very anxious today ... but feel this is best thing .. gives son a New Year trip .. then a week alone managing without me ... while I do music in NSW .. then I return and 3 of us go away together ... for big peak opera event for 4 days. Fingers crossed.

Dear @Mazarita

Thanks for the hello.....

This is a better font. What is your cuttoff total for the day with smoking cigarettes?

What feelings do you have with not smoking after you get to your cuttoff period??

What really upsets me is that .....religion.....@littlebuddha getting out the packet....rolling the cigarette and smoking it......

I have no idea of this addiction............

It's very frustrating for me and I should stop writing about it......I have to be very very patient with @LittleBuddha but to tell the truth.....my chest so hurts when Im at his place.......

So poor @Jacques is in the family that got away from the others.........

@Jacques

Thinking of you.......

Friend and confidant

Hi @PeppiPatty,

I grew up in a smoke filled childhood environment. We lived in bedsits at times, you can imagine how intense it got in there with the two people puffing away. I hated it then and did most of my adult life but picked it up at first as a very minor habit in my mid-30s at a time of extreme stress. Unfortunately the minor habit grew into a big one over a long time. I agree that it's a disgusting habit but it sure is a strong addiction and compulsion, very hard to break. But I don't smoke inside and keep the fumes away from non-smokers. And I'm in the process of slowly quitting. I'm smoking about 12 a day at present. The challenge is not just to quit but also to stay off them after that too. Not an easy road but worth trying at the very least.