Night Shift

Dear @Billamba

Your last message sat with me today ... Every day I call my friend to check he's managing, I had a lovely time with one of my new friends ..... And someone who knows my Mum well ..........
Your message was in the back of my mind and now I'm here ..... Reading ...... @Maritza s message ....... Heartfelt
How are you ? Please know that you have support here : not just from me.....( a daily phonecall ) or a quick coffee .....

That you can write this yesterday : it was probably hard I can guess it was because even my heart feels heavy when I read about how you parents dismissed your pleas for help. Then they have No idea how they sound when their precious daughter is being attacked.
Maybe there's a way everyone can bring up suggestions about triggering : I'm not dissmissibg your past but Iremembering ( in fury that goes no where) how triggering goes : that if you stand your ground ..... Somehow .....
This is what I'm thinking : is there a way someone can help address this in a mature @Billamba way ?

@Mazarita
The last time there was a major incident was three years ago. He has threatened and been a few minor things more recently but that is all. I have been lucky living away that the distance prevented it.
My parents like to remind me that he has changed and grown up more now. I have bought it up in the past (say 4 years) and the answer has always been that I exaggerate everything and anything that did happen is in the past and to get over it.
I've gone a little bit of a tangent. In answer o your question he also lives at home. We have two houses and I am fortunate to be living in the one closer to Hobart the majority of the week (small property where my horses are) and he lives on the farm full time. There is a level of expectation that I spend weekends and free time m at the farm but I am trying to break this down a little and lessen this. Very difficult and causing a lot of tension. Quite a few control issues and I guess mind games going on.

I am sorry about your friends son. I truly hope you are able to cope okay with it. Such a hard thing to deal with, my thoughts are with you. Xx

@appleblossum your post has given me so much to think about and I very much agree with it. It's interesting that as a society we have such a conflicting opinion/ideal on violence against women.
I'm sorry to read about your experience with your brother. It is awful your children had to witness that and that your mother allowed it to happen infront of them (well at all really!) I have a feeling that my situation will be similar to yours - my love and trust of them slowly dissolving into tatters.
I'm intrigued by your experience with boys vrs girls in the piano teaxhing work, and again would agree. Certainly it is much more acceptable for boys to have those traits.

@PeppiPatty I realise you have also posted to me, I just can't see it to reply so will do so in a seperate message.

Thank you again ladies for your continued support.

@PeppiPatty - I really appreciate your support. I have a wonderful friend I dearly wish to ring too for some support. She makes me feel connected to something in this world. That I matter. However she had a death in the family Christmas Eve so I am just leaving her to ring me when she is able and instead sending her messages to let her know I'm there for her.

I think it was just another thing they had to deal with and I wasn't the highest on the priority list at times so it just kept getting pushed down and down until it really was too big to address. How they could let it happen I have no idea. It's certainly not something I could stand by and allow to happen however how hard and tiring it may be to tackle.

I'm not sure I understand the last part of your message, I'm sorry. I'm not very good at the whole trigger ettiquite on here for one and trigger in general really.

@Mazarita @appleblossum @PeppiPatty thank you so much for your messages and kindness. Sometimes I feel so lost and that I don't matter that it really scares me. 6months ago I told my MH nurse that I didn't think I could live going home. I still feel that way sometimes, that if this is my existence what's the point. Moving home I've lost everything I'd built up to help me, my friends, my confidence, my self worth, even my mental health nurse. I feel I have nothing. When I moved away from home I was a complete shell, no self worth, self condfidence etc nothing. My friends and Mh nurse helped me see myself a little more positively (not always and by god there were some hard times with my mental health) but I can feel it all stripping away to nothing already. Bit by bit and its only been a week today that I have been here.

We fought. It was bad. I bought the issue of my brother up. Got told 'well I don't think it happened' and 'you clearly need to see someone'

I can't keep doing this. They said 'drive safe' and I said words to the affect of 'I'm not sure I will'
I'm safe and I'll continue to be so but I'm losing this battle. I'm losing it so bad.

Hi @Mazarita & @Former-Member,

Thank you for your replies...

She never replied to say why she couldn't met up & didn't even reply to a 'merry xmas' sms. I don't know... I've lowered my expectations on friendships this year, but I still get hurt... Probably need to lower them more...
I'm very anxious this morning... Lots of little things, as well as the living situation and worried about $$... Why is my psychiatrist so greedy?!
Sorry to hear about @Bullimba & @Appleblossom traumatic pasts. Sorry I'm too anxious to respond properly. Some of my anxieties just seem so stupid too....

Namaste

Stay strong...

DeAr @Former-Member

Your anxieties are relevant

Dear @Billamba

I think ..... Writing a card and sending it saying something like ..... Thinking about you

Or love..... Billamba
Can be enough

When my son was really really ill, often I would wish that someone would just turn up with a meal and just ..... Leave ..... No talking that's it

These are only suggestions ...... To give your friend support

Dear @Billamba

This is yet another brilliant supportive message for you from @Maritza
Can I have a permenant lend of that compassionate brain of yours @Maritza ??

I was threatened with Psych hospitals with my 'wrong' brain for years ..... And put in ..... More like deposited in them by family too .... Only one I took complete advantage of the situation and relaxed .....
lol

You can do this Billamba
I know you can
I like like Maritza writing how it is for her and can see complete blocks in your mind ..... When I wriote one message to you I didn't end the message clearly but I meant ..... Can we all power storm here on suggestion on what to do ??
You clearly need support from somewhere ??
Do you have a good bus system nearby ?? Are you close to ammenities ??
This is a ...... Idea ,......
Do you have a GP ? Can you try to get an Appiontment to see a support worker in a cafe or library for say 1:5 hours per week to brain storm on how to leave your home ???
Thinking about you