Night Shift

Hello @PeppiPatty

How are you?

Hope the emotional intensity of contacting your brother has eased a bit today, @PeppiPatty, and that something really rewarding all round comes out of it.

I'm still feeling a lot about meeting up with my cousin for the first time ever last week. Having no brothers and sisters makes cousins feel like closer relations to me than might otherwise be. It felt a bit like I was meeting a sister for the first time. We've since had a chat session on FB, which was good but also intense. As it happens, my cousin and I are both intense people really. We've talked a lot with each other already about our shared experience of mental ill health, something that seems to run in our family. There's been extreme darkness and tragedy especially in her part of the clan. It rocks me just to think about it sometimes.

I also happen to be going through an increase in my mood stabiliser medication just now. It's probably making me feel more tired than I was but is helping me get into bed before midnight, get to sleep almost straight away, sleep through a whole night and wake up before 8.30am to start the new day. This is a pretty radical change here.

Smoking reduction has hit a kind of plateau. Still lower than it was overall so feeling okay with that for now and will be picking up efforts on reducing further again in New Year.

Hoping I might get myself in the shower today though, it's been too long. Otherwise I'll be going feral for xmas, lol.

Hi @Mazarita, @Appleblossom & @PeppiPatty....

Trying to sit with a lot of frustration & disappointment in people this evening. Yesterday my friend Kerri-Anne let me down when I needed support & today my friend Mirna let me down re catching up while I was in the city seeing my psychologist. My partner insists it isn't me - that this is how most people are, but I feel like there is something intrinsically wrong with me - that I can't make real, genuine, true friendships that last & find people who are there for me when I need them. I give so much to people & it seems like they return a small fraction. It's like I don't deserve any more - or is that depression and/or paranoia talking? I feel so hurt. I talked to the psychologist about it & it helped at the time, but now I'm just trying to sit with it & make sense of it. I was crying, there were knots in my chest & I was suicidal yesterday - I tried to ring/page my psychiatrist, but I discovered my phone is broken. I didn't talk to my partner straight away, because he doesn't let me drive due to my sucidality & I was trying to appear stronger than what I am with hopes of gaining back independence sooner..... My partner is really the only person I have & at the moment I keep fearing I will lose him....

I next see my psychologist on the 14th Jan & my psychiatrist on the 28th.... Psychologist is bulk billing me, but is now going on holiday. psychiatrist is very expensive until I met the medicare safety net. $200 out of pocket a visit - crazy.... An affordable $40 a visit when I met the medicare safety net....

@Mazarita sitting in the dark listening to the birds sounds calming. I'm glad you are sleeping better.

@Appleblossom I'm glad you enjoyed some singing with your son.

Namaste

Anna

Hi @Former-Member

Sounds like you're sitting with some pretty intense feelings. Are you feeling safe?

It's hard to make sense of why people back out of plans, and it's easy to feel like it may because that it's something wrong with us. Feeling disappointed is a very normal response to having plans cancelled.

Please remember that people's actions are not a reflection on you. It may be that they also have stuff going on in their lives, whether it is that they feel exhausted from socializing at this time of year, or maybe they've got too much or, or perhaps they're going through a tough time themselves. We can never really know the reason that they decided to not catch up. What you can be certain of is your feelings. So sitting and coming on here to chat about is a great idea.

The other thing is if you're feeling let down by your friends, could you have a chat with them about it? Perhaps at another time when you're feeling stronger.

I'm glad to hear that you spoke with your psych and it helped. Can I ask what about the conversation was helpful? If you find that things are getting too much, please remember that there are emergency services that you can contact.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

If in immediate danger: 000

CherryBomb

Thanks @CherryBomb - I am safe. I'm more anxious than anything else today. The anxiety seems to keep growing & growing in my chest tonight.... I tried a mindfulness/breathing exercise from a list my psychologist gave me. It didn't help much - I think I need to master it when I'm less distressed. I found it helpful that my psychologist listened & didn't judge. I found it helpful also, that she brought the conversation back to my main reason for seeing her - she does CBT for psychosis. Thank you for caring enough to write a response - I really appreciate it...

Mindfulness and breathing exercises can be hard to master. Perhaps try mindfulness while doing an activity. For instance, try going for a walk or even make a cup of tea, and pay attention to the very small details, like how you reach for the cup, the process of making tea, the smell of it, and then of course the taste. If you find you're thoughts trail off, just try bring it back it back to whatever you're doing.

Dear @Billamba,

My heart broke reading the second part of your message - I'm so sorry to hear that you are in a world of pain... I know what that is like - I know what it is like to be frustrated at everything in your life - I'm so glad your horses are keeping you with the world - friends - yes - thank you for reminding me I'm not alone - although I wish the world was more connected & people didn't have to feel alone even with "friends" - I'm sorry if I'm not responding very well, as my anxiety is very high & that makes it difficult to think how to write things well. I just wanted to respond & say you are not alone - I feel your pain & thank you for seeing my beauty & empathising with my pain.

Namaste

Anna