Night Shift

My mother and father both had a lot of beautiful qualities. "Schizophrenia" is a really scary word. My brother and I did a lot of research trying to understand it. I think it is important not to let it drown out the aspects of a person's being. Whilst still also realising that it is a real hurdle to live with.

It is important to have hope.

How much of your degree did you do? What majors?

Namaste @Former-Member,

Very slow day here so far after another all nighter with video. I was mostly good avoiding this during the week. But Friday night is often a 'breakout' night for me in various naughty ways. The overnighter was one of them in this instance. I haven't had a shower for a few days either, though I also love the clean and fresh feeling afterwards. Good to hear you are avoiding looking at your phone at night. I like how you write out ideas here at the forum and then often seem to act on them very quickly.

Glad you sorted out your paranoia with your friend and hope you do get to hook up soon. Like you, I have had many friends come and go, partly due to me, partly due to them. I've also had friends I've fallen out of contact with for years later return to my life in wonderful ways. I'm grateful for the forgiveness of friends who I've failed in various ways and am mostly forgiving myself I think, with some exceptions. I think people have mostly liked me for who I am, even if it is a partial appreciation of what that might be. How wonderful that you have made meaningful friendships from your time in hospital.

No wonder you love the beach so much having grown up in a coastal town. Great that you live close to a dam and have so many animals, including wild ones, on the property. I grew up my first five years on a country property and have fantastic memories of the landscapes and natural world there. I agree with @Appleblossom that this time in your life has the potential to create very rich life memories.

It's also a great reminder what you said, @Appleblossom, about there being different outcomes for individuals with the same diagnosis. I'm also really interested in how slowly your husband was weaned off anti-psychotics. I'm starting to feel more hopeful that, at some future time, I may be able to reduce some of my medications too. I have no immediate plans in this direction and won't be doing it without support but it's nice to know there may be that possibility in future.

I was sudying a Bachelor of Psychological Science - I only did just over 1.5 years towards a 4 year undergraduate degree. However, I studied all 1st year courses, all 2nd year courses (except neuroscience, which I attempted twice & both time caused an increase in symptoms of depression & psychosis - it was mostly exams & route learning, which I found more stressful than essays...) & I did 3 (or 4 - can't remember!) 3rd year subjects. I last completed a course in the 1st semester of 2012. The first year of the degree is supposed to be filled with electives & 3 (I think) psychology courses, but I had trouble working out what courses I was interested in other than psychology. I did complete a Modern English Literature course, which was an interesting experience - I loved reading the books & I did really well in most of the essays even though I really had barely any idea how to respond to the essay question. (I had forgotten how I did it in high school English - due to ECT) I didn't really have the ability to proof read properly, as I would struggle to just write the required number of words. I did enjoy the creative writing assignment for Atonement - got 18/20 too! The exam was really hard. Someone later told me you are supposed to re read the books in preparation to English Literature exams. I had even more trouble writing anything & managed to write very little. I still got a credit overall, because I had done well in the essays. I got a lot of distinctions for the psychology courses - I think I only got less than a distinction for 1 essay or assignment. I got high distinctions for Developmental Psychology & Developmental Disorders of Childhood. I should say it took me 4 years to do that 1.5 years of a degree....

I would love to complete the degree & then do a masters in applied psychology (sports psychology). That is my massive dream... I love learning, psychology is very interesting to me& I want to help people. I think I could manage to help people as a sports psychologist. Sometimes I have hope that it can happen eventually & sometimes I don't....

I was reading The Big Issue & enjoying it. My partner started playing a movie, so I came out to the lounge. I can't really "get into" this movie. We watched a really good (but long) movie last night. I'll probably go back to the bedroom & read the rest of The Big Issue soon.

I like the way you talk about your parents @Appleblossom - I find it hard not to see myself just as my mental illnesses - it was easier when I was a student & then last year when I really felt like I had an identity as a runner - my gp said recently - I am a runner on a hiatus - that was a good way at looking at it, but not easy for me to see myself like that all the time...

@Mazarita glad you are taking it easy today after a big night.... Now, I've forgotten what else I wanted to reply to... Oh, thanks re 'writing ideas here & then taking action' - one thing I didn't do was page my psychiatrist re having some sessions by myself. I feel like I have someone I can talk to more freely now that I've seen the psychologist - I was able to talk about the relationship difficulties with my partner - we are doing well at the moment, but when I was getting little sleep there was a night I thought it would esculate into a fight. Very scary - I don't feel I have a home. I have never felt like I've had a home - I have just lived in houses & something always went wrong... A HOME is a dream of mine too...

Namaste,

Anna

@MazaritaCant mention the drug .. its not in common use any more ...but he got down to the lowest dose and stayed on that for a year .. then we halved and quartered it ... about 6 months before a change ...actually cut up the pills. He drove it .. I would have supported him if he stayed on them ... but as he had been on them 8-10 years he was also scared of a recurrence of psychosis ... and needed reassurance so we cut up the pills together ... I didnt oversee it as such ... just was concerned and present.. that was about 1990 ... so its 25 years ago now .. he still is a little paranoid and a loner type ... still smokes cigs .. doesnt seem to get drunk .. dunno about the funny cigs not my business any more ... my daughter says ... "dad doesnt do friends". He has just got back from another overseas trip for 3 months to see his family .. and kids drove to new house in country and visited him in my car ... so he is doing alright .. no out of control psychosis or unreliability since I left him. Parental style not what I would like but .. my kids had a dad.

i follow the same logic with me coming off anti depressants ... and note triggers when I go down and up ... hoping I can come back down next year .. I have had many more serious life stressors than he had ... all his siblings are alive and flourishing .... his mum had psych issues too but also went back to work.he had very stable and prosperous childhood.

I like Big Issue too @Former-Member.

I think it is important to remember you are a person .. not just a label ..

First they were my parents ...at about 10 ... once a local kid said "your dad's mad". I visited him mental hospital for a while ...about 6 months, before he died. I am not saying he didnt have oddities ... there were my mother's complaints .. but I have been able to get more balance on that given now I had a longer and far more productive marriage to a man with the same diagnosis. I didnt focus on mum's mi as she was so angry about it. In the end she spit out the word schizophrenia with hatred ... she never went to doctor or hospital after getting us back ... we were very obedient and desperate to help make the family work ...she also worked hard to better herself and achieved a lot too ... though she hurt me.

Its great you studied as much as you did. I can understand how neuroscience could be triggering. There may be other courses more suited to you ... where you can do more essays .. or online ... and you can get recognition for prior learning.

I usually had trouble narrowing down my interests I wanted to study everything ... I worked and did HSC at night school so was used to part time. i did lit and pol sci ... with year of psychoanalysis and social theory. I took 8 years to get 3 year degree but I also studied a lot of music in that time and had babies and renovated ... had 5 close deaths to deal with .. just knocked off the units steadily.... only had a little bit to finish when bubs came along. Then started to teach piano ... part time.

It can be so good to have goals .. they take us out of our self preoccupations .. but dont set the bar too high ... achievable is important... bird in the hand better than the bush. Security and stability better than crashing and burning.

Good Luck ... you have a lot of talent ... try and cobble it into some sort of life ... without denying or getting totally down on self about mi.

Thanks @Appleblossom

Well done on getting an interesting & varied degree despite many challenges. I'm hoping to finish part of the degree online when I'm in a more stable place. I want to keep withdrawing from the antipsychotic first - the creativity I miss out on on antipsychotics isn't just drawing & painting - it is creative thinking.... I also withdrew from antidepressants this year - the one I was on was giving me vivid nightmares - often trauma related. I tried several other antidepressants, but had side effects such as constant nausea & increased suicidality. I am now on a mood stabiliser. I also stopped self medicating with a benzo early this year & now take the same dose every night.

I wrote a big long message, but it only saved this part that I wrote before going to the markets!! I don't feel up to writing everything again, sorry.

Hope everyone is having an okay day...

Namaste,

Anna

Its frustrating when that happens .. @Former-Memberi I lost stuff often at beginning of my time on forum .. I was typing "furiously" wonder if that was the cause ... dunno ... some how am a little calmer now ...

Yes I think the non medicos in the MH field who are overly enthusiastic about meds need to educate themselves more about side effects ... and not compartmentalise the issue ... leave it up to the docs etc.

Yes the flexibility in thinking is an issue ... as a musician .. there are motor function issues too. I refused them when I was breast feeding .. it was suggested but not strongly ... I am glad I maintained that position as I just read an article on psyblog about

pregnant women and antidepressants and the rise of autism ...

Do what you have to do re meds .. but listen to your body .. and strike the best balance ... too much pain is not good either.

Keep your dreams alive ... nurture them and refine them ... write them in a dream journal ... maybe now is not the time to push academia ... but dont stifle the forward thinking part of yourself.. it is much easier to go back now ... no hurry .. when time is right.

Hi @Mazarita are you around? Been missing you.

Had first singing session with my son for a couple of weeks. Sang triumphal chorus from Aida and the Matadors.

Anybody else about?

Hi @Appleblossom,

The week leading up to xmas, always a bit strange I find. I'm a bit exhausted by recent engagements, which have all involved a fair degree of intensity. Put that together with me being intense within myself too and it all gets a bit much sometimes. Giving myself a bit of a break from mental health efforts for now. I've spent a fair bit of today just sitting in an armchair. As dusk turned to night we left the lights off later than usual and partner and I both just sat silently in our chairs listening to birds and other everyday sounds. It was so relaxing.

How lovely that you had a singing session with your son. Good to hear from you too.

Listening to the sounds of dusk turning into night sounds beautiful too. Living life in the slow lane can reveal many things.

Yes we do need a break at times ... I will be going away before New Year and be flat out for a while ... so will have about 3-4 weeks away from the SANE forum.

You have been focussing on change and self mastery but we also need to let the self adjust. Adagio.