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Hope you're ok @Maggie

I'm doing a happy dance inside because I've just brought home a gigantic toy unicorn with gold spangly shoes....and he's got wings....oh, and to me, unicorns are symbols of hope.

Had to buy a gigantic bag from KMart to put him in because I was on the way to a ct scan!

Anyway, its twice the size of Gypsy so it'll be interesting to see her reaction when I let it out of the bag!

No need to reply....rest up and hope you manage a good night's sleep.

Hi @Maggie

I do understand what being stuck feels like (not knowing how to move forward). For me personally that was either because of an overwhelming present life difficulty/grief (e.g. Daughter ), constant worrying or getting stuck in the pain and grief of my past abuse and losses (the latter was the most difficult because a lot of the time I was not even conscious I was doing it). I am starting to move forward abit now, one day at a time.

Yes, I did win :money_mouth_face::money_mouth_face:. Not from the actual bingo but the raffles inbetween and at the end. I have been really lucky 🍀, I have won something every time I have attended bingo the last two months. Hopefully the tide is really turning. It will for you too my friend - there was a time there I thought it would never happen. That's the beauty of life - we never know what is around the corner.

Whatever has trigger you in your life, I hope the decision you made sees you through this asap. I will always be there for you @Maggie because I care. 🤗🌹xx

Tomorrow I am off to my volunteer work. I hope special moments will come from it.

My daughter is blowing her money again. She is moving out on Thursday and she is already asking us for money to help her out. Ughh 😫

Hoping things are ok for you @Maggie. Sending you huge love and hugs tonight.

@Former-Member hugs to you too for the tough times you're facing.

@NatalieS - I love unicorns so much. They make me so happy 🙂

Thank you @CheerBear. A message from you always makes me feel warmer 💕🌹x

@Former-Member I'm guessing you are at your volunteer work atm and I know it brings you so much happiness. Some of my lost involves past, because I still seem downtrodden by it, present, trying so very hard and failing, not knowing how I managed to fail so well, but the draining of me, that crushing feeling that robs even the things that appear to be positive. I might not be making any sense, but it's hard, and at times, I've had more than enough, I give up, but, eventually crawl back out of the darkness.

Sorry to hear your daughter is up to some old tricks, Thursday is tomorrow, and hopefully, life will change for both of you for the best. I'm hoping tonight you might have some lighter moments to remember later on in life. For what it's work, I'm sending a warm hug and it is from a very warm 27%Tassie. ❣❣❣

Hi @Maggie

Good to see a post from you. Thank you for the warm hug - it really made my day as I so needed it. When I talk with you it's like sitting with a friend over a coffee and talking openly and honestly. It's feels so comfortable. ☕️ I really click with you @Maggie. Although we lead different lives in so many ways we experience similar feelings, struggles and interests.

You make a lot of sense to me @Maggie - and I concur it is very hard. You describe the situation well. I can feel crushed too at times....and yes, then climb out again. But I never get "as depressed as I once did"(breakdown 5 years ago)", but still can struggle and feel great pain. I have come along way - but not quite there yet. I can sometimes come out of remission if my mental scars are triggered if that makes sense. I find talking with people like yourself that understands helps. My friends support does too (although I never tell them the depths of my pain).

Do you find that something (e.g. Being hurt in the present or stressed by something now) triggers the pain of past? Feelings of being overwhelmed by it (e.g. Feel "I can't stand this anymore")? The only reason I realised that I was still feeling the pain of the past was because someone I trusted pointed it out. The frustrating part was that I did not even realise it. And it becomes for me so difficult to deal with something I am not conscious of doing. So it's a work in progress - and the activities I do and the purpose I have helps me to cope with this.

This helps me move forward from being stuck, but, the mental scars are always there and I feel the weight of them continually. And when I have better days I can feel much freer of them. My goal is to try and work towards making the good days outweigh the bad which is good; the mental scars have a lesser hold but are always there and I have to carry them. I hope this makes some sense. I do have to avoid triggers and keep away from people and situations that are toxic for me (people whom take advantage, disrespect me etc), in order to heal. So I am good at sticking up for myself now finally. It took awhile.

It's hard to explain but I so understand what you mean by having had enough of feeling that way. So have I. It is a hard wave to ride. Today I had some moments of anxiety, I spoke back to it saying "I can do this" and "it will pass, everything will pass". This does help me scrap through the hard days or moments. The really rough days (like the first post of my thread), which are less for me now, I need extra help. I can go into real distress at those times which gets tough as I don't have any professional support at the moment.

Sorry for rambling - it is hard to put feelings into words sometimes (even for me lol). As it can be so buried in my sub conconsious. I am very good at blotting things out that I don't want to deal with or is too painful. I have lost memories of time this way. So recalling my feelings can sometimes be difficult. But they have a way of coming to the forefront and making themself known (the blues hitting out of nowhere). I hold onto hope.

Its 27 degrees in Tassie. Wow, that's a sudden hike in temperature! We are enjoying similar with a lovely cool breeze presently. Perfect weather as it's not too humid. I love walking along the beach or in the bush on these days - a natural high for me 🙂

Did you work in the garden today or is it too soon? Have you been to markets lately, or planning to go any time soon? The way you use to describe them sounded like loads of interesting stuff to look and lots of fun. We need more of the latter in our life. Did you hang anymore curtains up? Sending a warm hug right back at you my friend ❤️🌹💜🤗x

@Former-Member Humm, I do get it. I break really easily, crush really plus I blame myself for everything. The present situation just happened over a simple question. Innocent inquisitive mind, but a domino effect, then the shame guilt, blame just keep beating and I have no more strength to fight back. Today I've just moved around light threads joining in hoping everyone doesn't know my SIN!!!! Yes it's the voices from the past still robbing the present.

Anyway, my flat it like a warzone. Tools in one corner, sewing machine set up plus the iron I've owned for years but never used. Net curtains are coming down along with poles. I have to cut the top off the nets because the new curtains will be going on rods where they used to be. Then I decided to wash Maggies doona!!!!!! A double. The washing machine refused to spin three times, overload, at least some things know when to stop. Then there was washing not folded and then and then, and I live alone!!!!!!

Its strange but I'm enjoying the heat these last few days. Warming my bones. Winter was long and cold and I find it hard to put a heater on for me, the old unworthy taken to another level. Just one of the many unworthies. You sound like you've done well in your journey, doing well I should say. I know it's difficult, I also know we both have so much from our pasts we'll never remember, sometimes a blessing I think. Look at me rambling when I didn't think I had more than a few words to string together. I'll shut up now and head to the shower and bed.

Daughter moving tomorrow, will you be helping move stuff?????

Hope you rest up after your working day. Warm hug?💞💞

Hi @Maggie - I usually stick my beak in most threads and haven't noticed anything. Guilt and shame are terrible emotions that can depress - which can trigger guilt of past mistakes that instead of simply learning from and moving forward, we were made to feel great unforgiving shame about that can leave scars. I remember a quote from St Bernadette of Lourdes - "A sinner is not someone who commits sin but "who loves sin". If our intentions were good that's all that matters. Guilt has no place there. People love you here and enjoy your posts on all the threads 😊

Your flat sounds abit like our house. Boxes of clothes, furniture etc everywhere due to daughters move. I packed the boxes and daughter and her friends are moving them to her new premises hopefully tomorrow as daughter saids, but I can't see it being all done in one day. It's best we are going to live apart but it triggers feelings of loss and grief for me as well (please slap me now!!, I have been wanting this for awhile).

The warmer weather eases the pain of arthritis if you suffer from that; which would be such a relief for you. I prefer this weather, spring, but not the higher humidity of summer. When I lived in the country we would have to be highly viligant at this time of the year for the snakes coming out of hibernation to mate! - this is when they are at their most aggressive! So as you could imagine I enjoyed the cold more there lol! I can't imagine not having heating at such low temperatures. That is the ultimate test of endurance of spirit. I can see your bones crying out "thank you" presently 🌞🌼 One of the highlights of living in zero temperatures down south on the farm was sitting in front of an open log fire doing my cross stitch. Warm memories in many ways 🔥❤️

Keep rambling @Maggie - I love it 💕xxx

@Former-Member It's not something I've done here on the forum, it's elsewhere. Just the smallest things can trigger, then the Avalanche.

No I won't slap you, just hug you. Your baby is leaving home, and regardless of all the tantrums, YOU LOVE HER. I only had my foster daughter for 8 mths and letting got was agony, so add 20 years, it hurts like hell. The boxes are another matter, get rid of them as fast as you can. Lol.

I got a picture of you sitting in front of an open fire cross stitching, a lovely warm thought. I'm looking out on a slight pink sunrise and a cooler day expected, Maggie-May on my lap, first coffee finished and plans for more net curtain sewing. 3 to go. Tomorrow my counsellor arrives with her drill and three more poles to put up. She spotted them on sale in spotlight and said I can pay her off. Doesn't get any better than that does it, earth angels are alive and well on planet earth.

St Bernadette reminds me of the life sized grotto's in Ireland, she and the children of Fatima were always favourites. Try to pace yourself today, and another hug. It's ok to feel loss. 💔💔💔💔💔💔

Hello lovely @Maggie

Sorry for the mix up. I know your intentions would always be good and that is what matters. It is awful when misunderstandings occur, they can be painful. I hope it all works out for you on your end my friend and please know we will always be here for you 🤗

I had been out this morning shopping and to the GP for my husband. We could set up permanent residence there just about. My husband is still with me so it's all worth it.

I have just come home and am crying lots. Thank you so much for your understanding and friendship through this. Yes I love her. For a long time she was my life. All my children were and I lost the other three. And my present daughter is cranky at us because we won't replace the money she blew on tatttoos (we gave her some money, not all she asked for). I was hoping she was out of that phase and learnt by past mistakes (blowing money and inking her body all over which upsets me as it could stop her getting work and the straight and narrow friends etc - myself and husband are non judgemental but very conservative so you can imagine the effects on us. She doesn't care).

So we are the evil ones again as she hasn't got her way. And so this departure is not nice like it was looking to be earlier. So I am crying - all the losses in my life triggered also. Grief - I have had enough of it but saying that does not make it go away, but I am a little stronger this time round. It's so lonely being in it too so it's nice to share here as I don't feel so alone. Thank you.

So I feel lost at the moment too. But I tell myself the main thing is that my daughter is happy and learns to stand on her own two feet and mature. Having it easy was not doing her mental health any good and did not save her from drugs, depression etc. Maybe she will appreciate life more now when she realises what she had/has? I am hoping. She should be moving late this afternoon if all goes to plan (never know with my daughter).

Is your beautiful counsellor there yet? Please tell her from me also what a blessing she is to those of us who are alone in our pain. I wish there were more like her in the world. We need them. Yes, I believe in earth angels those with hearts of gold - rare, but there. Lucky us who find them - but is it luck? I don't think so. They are brought to us in our darkest moments if we are open to love. Pets can be that for us too, but sometimes we need other people.

I would love to see those life size grottos in Ireland. I have a cross stitch pal who lives there and was very distraught a few days back. They were on high alert for hurricane Ophelia. Our media gave it little coverage after it happened and downplayed it to a tropical storm. It was no storm - the cyclone flattened Ireland and lives were unfortunately lost. I have lost contact with her at the moment due to it. The cyclone has now reached Wales and West England - not sure if it has done the same damage or not though. It isnt good - Ireland has never had a cyclone in all its history and they were not prepared. Something weird is going on with nature. This decade mores episodes of natural disasters and deaths as a result are a historical high. Not good. What's this telling us?

St. Bernadette and Fatima were my favourite saints. Have you watched "The Song Of Bernadette". Beautiful movie, I have it on DVD.

I will try and pace myself as the new few days/weeks are going to be very hard. All my life I lived for my children - now is seems so meaningless and lonely as they are gone (although rationally I know it's not meaningless - my grief is huge). These feelings scare me but I must be brave and strong. Trying to look for any positives for relief at the moment. Your friendship definitely being one.

Sorry for the long winded long post my friend, I will shorten them in the future as you have your own grief - I hope you are enjoying your day preparing to hang your curtains with your social worker. Can't wait to see the pictures when they are done. Please let me know all about your day 😁❤️xx