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So, I wanted to share with you my respite away from home that I'm hoping will unstuck the stuck me, and reset my neurological pathways to a different outlook. This place, in the burbs of Perth is a little haven of homeliness and gentle care. There's a small number of people here of various diagnoses, and we share rooms with same sex. So there's 2 other ladies in my room. It's a large home, and essentially you have to care for yourself. No one makes you do anything you don't want, but if you want to chat about life, your MI and get some perspective & guidance, there's nurses here 24/7. Obviously, you have to hand over your meds, and no drugs and alcohol are permitted.
The head nurse is a DBT Guru, something that @CheerBear, @Pheonix_Rising & @Zoe7 would love to have a natter with. He's very perceptive but gently proves and before i knew it, Id told him everything (well, a scaled down version). He said I was holding so much stress, more than most, and was surprised how 'normal' I presented. He recognised my recent high levels of anxiety, and how that was impacting my inability to feel comfortable with change.
I've been here since Friday afternoon. Saturday I had an anxiety meltdown, and thought it was nuts being here, and I was probably better to admit myself to hospital as I was very intent on doing major harm to myself. A phone call to my case manager set me right, plus a prn, and essentially riding out the storm. Sunday was a better day, where I walked to get a paper, stopped for a coffee, and also stopped at a greengrocer. Dinner was a communal affair on this night, and although conversation was minimal, it was nice to be among others. I haven't made any buddies here, as I've essentially kept to myself. But I took a walk yesterday with a patient & nurse, and I repeated the walk on my own today.
So I've agreed to be here until next Monday, as going home on the weekend could bring me undone. It's the time I feel most lonely and despair, and when my impulses to SH are highest. Every day I will do a little work with one of the nurses on DBT stuff especially interpersonal skills and distress tolerance skills.
The really great thing is I can come back here anytime things get unbearable & hospital isn't a option. And I can call the nurses if I'm distressed or in crisis as they know my history. It's good to have another support option. There is only two places like this in Perth. It's a shame there's not more.
Wow @Sans911 this is some really great stuff. How cool is that that you were asked for an input for an open day. Thats pretty great. It really sounds like your working hard and making some progress. Its really good to hear you feel you can trust someone there and can let your thoughts go. Really good ❤❤❤❤
In response to: My mental health respite
Unknown userMember
Re: My mental health respite
Sounds like it has been an extremely busy day for you @Sans911
I would be annoyed if someone finished my jigsaw puzzle too!
Glad you have made a connection with someone there and feel comfotable opening up to them. The other things you mentioned sound really hopeful especially the BPD Foundation opening. If more support can be given for BPD, then that has to be a positive.
Hopefully with time you can hope for your future and see a future for yourself, but give yourself some credit Sans, you have come a long way in the short time that you have been there
In response to: My mental health respite
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: My mental health respite
Good morning @Sans911. Thanks for letting us know how you are going. I was wondering how you were yesterday.
Sounds like there were some mixed things going on for you yesterday, with tough but productive things to tackle. That mixed stuff can be really tiring, I find. I hope you were able to rest if it was for you too.
Hope you enjoy your walk today Sans. Big hugs 💓
In response to: My mental health respite
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: My mental health respite
Oops that should be I have an appointment with my pdoc
In response to: My mental health respite
Unknown userMember
Re: My mental health respite
Hello dear @Sans911
This period of respite sounds like it has been a real step forward, heading towards a better place for you. Even when you return home this experience will stay with you to give you the resources and hope to get you through the bad days. And then you will find they will get less and less....Better days ahead
You enjoyment writing too my friend? What type of writing activities do you do in your group? Would love to hear about it when you have time. May Day 6 be even better for you. Thinking of you. Sending warm hugs 🤗 xx
(P.S.Those who wish to tag me could you please put a dash - before and after my username ( e.g. -Enigma- ) otherwise I will not receive notifications. Thank you )
In response to: My mental health respite
Unknown userMember
Re: My mental health respite
@Sans911, firstly, thank you for your updates each day.
It sounds good that you have reconnected with some peer support that can help you. Also glad to hear that you are meeting them next week also. Hopefully this becomes a regular thing. We all need as many people in our corners as possible and the more people you have in your corner, them more you can rely on when you do have those down moments with MI.
This head nurse sounds wonderful. Is it someone that you can keep in contact with for extra support once you go home? I am glad you are in the respite centre till Monday, as weekends seem particulary difficult for you.
Unfortunately with MI it does not magically go away. It would be so much easier if it did. That worry about slipping back is so understandable. We want to get better and improve and when we do, there is always that fear that it won't last and we will end up back where we started or even worse of.
I am so glad you have got some positive things that you can look forward to and this writing group sounds great. But I am not surprised in that, what you write on here always is so insightful and considerate.
I hope you have a great day today and have some nice cuddles tonight! Looking forward to your next update
In response to: Re: My mental health respite
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: My mental health respite
i love hearing about your updates @Sans911 im so glad you had/have this opportunity t be at this respite palce. its really what you needed and its really great to hear about all the 'adventures' your having.
it really sounds like things are helping you heal. im really proud of you
In response to: My mental health respite
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: My mental health respite
Unfortunately my day 5 post was removed as I named a place without thinking. So here is amended version -
Day 5 of my respite today, and I'm still in a better mood. I really feel like I've broken out of my 'isolation prison' at home and just being here in a different space even with nurses around, feels like a bit of a reset in my depression. I'm still passively suicidal, and lack hope for a positive future; that's not magically going to go away. And I worry when I leave next week that I will slip back to where I was before. I reconnected with some peer support workers on a walk today, and it was good to chat openly about my mental health issues, and other things. Because they have lived experience of mh, they understand a lot of how the mind works, and the up and downs of living with MI. I'm looking forward to seeing them for another walk next week.
Another catch up with the head nurse who took me out for a coffee. He is helping me with some DBT work, so we looked at that & chatted easily about where I'm at.
Later this afternoon I undertook the mammoth task of sorting my DBT folders, which the head nurse will look at tommorow and help me fill some of the learning gaps.
I've got an appointment tommorow with my procedure and case manager before heading home overnight. Looking forward to cuddles with my four legged friend. And I have my writers group tommorrow night, which is one of the few things I still enjoy.
Friday morning I'm heading to special networking event connected with BPD. I'm interested to hear what they have to say and hopefully make some connections. Then I'll head back to the respite centre until Monday.
It's been a bit of an up and down day today, and as I sit here writing about today, my heart is heavy weighed down with decisions to be made. And I'm feeling unheard of real concerns for my safety and well being next week.
I sorted my DBT files into a much more sensible order last night & will this morning , and it was a much bigger task than anticipated. I went over the files with the head nurse, and we identified some similar themes I struggle with. Conflict and interpersonal relations us a big one. I never want to be the bad person in an argument or disagreement, so I often bite my tongue. Sometimes though, I lash out because I take things far too personally with my sensitive nature. Then I come across as rude or abrupt. I can't seem to find a middle ground. Internalised anger is another issue I have which kind of ties into the above. I frequently feel unheard or validated,by many people. This makes me really angry, but I turn that back on myself, and blame myself for not being articulate or expressive or confident to get my needs across. Some major learning needs to happen there.
Mid morning was my appointment with my case manager & pdoc, and what we essentially talked about was the issue of my home situation. My house mate has been unemployed for over 2 months now. She promised to have money wired from overseas but supposedly her brother accessed this money without her knowledge. Long story short, I have been covering for her, but I'm also not working due to the deterioration of my own mental health. I'm not sure how honest my house mate is being able her situation, but something doesn't feel right. She is looking for work & has gone for interviews, but no success yet. I have asked to consider applying for Centrelink; she is reluctant to do this for whatever reason. She knows she has to come up with some money soon, plus pay back a lot of rent & bills. But I'm in a difficult situation because I don't want to kick a person out onto the streets when she is poor, and even if I do that, I still have to pay full rent until I can get another person. It took me four months to find this woman. And we get on well, we like and respect each other. So I feel sick at the fact I have to be hard lined with her next week. And my pdoc & case manager tell me I have to look out for myself and that things may not be as bad as they sound. I felt that they really weren't listening to exactly what my fears were. And I'm so dreading next week, suicide seems like a good option so I don't have to do this. Yes, I'm that distressed by it all. And I'm very broke myself, struggling now to pay my own personal bills. It's just a mess.
I really wanted not to go to my writers group, but it was a good distraction, and I even managed to knock out a decent poem. I've not written poetry for months, and it's usually when my depression is so low it comes easily. Not lately though, my mind is either full of worries or an empty vessel. It was well received.
My little four legged fur ball was glad to see me, so we've played, he's been brushed which he adores, and he us currently curled up on his blanket at the end of my bed. His level of trust is increasing, as his love and affection. He's a very sweet cat. I'm just finding it hard to bond fully to him because I'm so passively suicidal, so I don't want to love him completely in case I'm not around sometime.
So that's all for today, I'm pretty tired, and looking forward to sleep. Goodnight all
In response to: My mental health respite
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: My mental health respite
Oh @Sans911 - that sounds like such a big lot of worries and stress you're facing 🙁
I feel sad to think that your kind and giving nature is also a source of pain and frustration as you don't want to risk hurting someone to look after yourself. At the same time, in doing what is in your nature to do (look after someone), you yourself are hurting. All I can say Sans is that you're worth looking after. You really are.
It is one of the toughest things I find too, to put myself first. It's absolutely essential to do so sometimes though. It doesn't make it any easier at all, or feel any less horrible, but you are worth it.
I hope today feels good for you and that you're able to make those connections. Feeling connected to others (in whatever way) is something I get a lot out of.
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