Emotional pain

My mother is very self centred @Appleblossom,and is getting worse with her failing.What I think doesn't matter.My breakdown 5 yrs ago was configured to the fact that at the then age of 40, couldn't go out the door on my own without being made to feel guilty.After counseling and changing my life's and failing now back in a worse situation.I am made to feel and ended up accepting that it's OK for me not to have a life.

I can't see a life @Appleblossom, the Mental health nurse asked me that a few years back and I couldn't see one ,he made out I was giving up.I said it was my reality.

Don't know @Appleblossom . Thanks.

I only started to see a future for myself and make proactive plans for myself in the last 2 years. For so long I put plans in place that would keep me busy with a job to do so I would not take a way out. It has been good for me even though I still struggle with SI to follow through on those plans. Stuff happens and it does not happen, It started by booking a show at a theatre which was what I wanted to see and not for my children, my ex husband or my mother. It was allowing myself to book into a Tai Chi class. Money had always been tight and I remember you saying it was that way for you. Sometimes as we doze off or wake up an image might occur to us that has the seeds of the things that do matter.

I am learning to go to bed early. It has been a very hard habit to get into for me. Just to remember that 10 ish is a good time to go to bed. I had so much struggle over sleep issues, but am gentler with me about them now. Caress yourself in your thoughts, give yourself the care you do not receive from her.

Old ladies can be quite a handful. It is more acceptable for them to go into the nursing homes and a lot of them get better care anyway.

Good Night ... @Former-Member

Thanks @Appleblossom,I loved the theatre shows too,used to go on bus trips to Sydney and Melbourne when I worked,loved Phantom of the Opera and Hugh Jackman in boy from Oz the best.Now I have lost interests,I know it's the depression and the oppression of life.Cant remember the last time I was happy without covering up sadness within.

My mother always was difficult,my father died when I was just about to do the HSC exam ,and being the last one home I put the responsibility of her and the family farm on my shoulders,wish I hadn't.Having a job was the only way I had a life for myself and now I am being pushed to consider getting a carers pension because I can't get a job or find 10 jobs a month requirement where I live.Situation I don't want to be in and fought against.She takes a lot of patience which I don't have eg:asks me something I told her about 5 minutes ago.I can't tell you the times I've been frustrated going out ,knowing I just needed to be on my own and her refusing to acknowledge it because of her own selfishness.Like this afternoon with her lack of empathy but expecting something of me two minutes later.I would love to get a job,meet a good guy ,but my mother will constantly be my problem.Got two other siblings who make little effort with her and only will care when she passes to get their inheritance,and that is what destroys me because I'm the one who has made the sacrifice of my life.

I basically can't control my stress @Appleblossom,and the pressure builds up on top of regret hopelessness and remorse,deadly combination.Thanks @Appleblossom,better stop venting.I will try and go to a movie I want to see the next fortnight with Kate Winslet.

Uuuugh Family farm is a huge load to take on.

Keep some sense of dignity re the Carer's Pension. Jobs are not that easy when you are out of the loop. Protect your self well. Teflon NON STICK mind and give any negative comments the flick. I am working with Carers at the moment re putting in reasonable boundaries.

Try and detach the feeling of not getting what you needed in the past from getting what you need and can assert in action, without her say so. Maybe set some standards of you time. per day/ per week/ per month. If itis fair stick to it no matter how she acts up.

Thanks @Appleblossum!
I have little patience for her today due to high anxiety,I'm feeling a bit awful about it because I know I'm low in patience . Couldn't wait to go bush to escape this morning.I just got out of bed and walked down the hallway this morning and she was whinging about something ,it was too much.I don't know .

Why can't they just be happy? lol