Taking the plunge

@CheerBear

Hi @Maggie @CheerBear @Faith-and-Hope following along here but not much to add except my support for you all. Just wondering - when you mention NPD are you talking about narcissim? If so, I've been there too both in family of origin/childhood and a few times as an adult. I totally get how it is possible to miss the charm and honeymoon times with them at the same time as starting to deal with the fall-out of the abuses and learn to recognise red flags with new people. Recovery can take time but it is doable. Mind you, some things do change us forever, but that doesn't mean we can't go forward in life. Baby steps everyone. I did a living beyond abuse course and have done presentations to womens groups about same so if my experience led to learning and that means I can help please do reach out to me. Love to all xx

Thanks @eth .... I have a wonderful counsellor around this at the moment. She picked it for me within weeks, but it still took time to understand there are different presentations, and it can travel in family groups ...... and yeah ...., I can see how trust issues are going to be an issue for me in terms of any future relationships.

Hearing you there @Faith-and-Hope Trust is a major challenge for me too, but I'm getting a tiny bit better at discerning who is likely to be safe (even just with things like catching a cab/ride or using a male coordinator of supports). I can feel a little trust in my own judgment growing, possibly for the first time in my life.

@eth @Faith-and-Hope I’m feeling like a very slow learner.

I saw the red flags, or at least heard them, years ago. I seem to be captured by fear I think. I do freeze really well. Fight/flight have never worked. The charm always convinced me I had it/them wrong, even though my gut knew I didn’t. My mind is easily messed with, and I think self confidence, or lack of it, plays into the whole situation. It felt I was ‘ chosen’ for the outbursts. I think others would have reacted/responded long ago.

Always willing to hear any input @eth. I feel a lifetime hibernation coming on.

My rock is going maybe a little too well today @CheerBear . Comfortable..almost..not really.

I hope the communication with neighbour and soft drink are a break from the humidity and heat. Is it a feet up afternoon with some games maybe. @TheVorticon might join in there.

Hey @Maggie It took me a long time too. I'm 56 now. I withdrew from the world a few times, the last time for the better part of 20 years, and during that time made the mistake again in a way that I paid for heavily. I was the victim of major dv that culminated in him being convicted of gbh but given a suspended sentence. And it took me another 3+ years to completely stop seeing him. He was/is a sociopath and narcissist and totally groomed me to be his target. And I'd been repeating the pattern of abusive relationships since the modelling I witnessed and was victim of in my childhood (including parents to each other and to us kids). The course I did really helped me to see the 'cycle of abuse' which there is quite a lot about if you google it ... when you're ready. And to really accept that it was not my fault, despite mistaken choices I had made. And to learn how to reclaim my dignity and discernment. You might find a womens centre that runs a similar course. It was called 'living beyond abuse' and focussed on education rather than therapy. I am still working through some of the events in my life from multiple abusive relationships - with my psychologist, partly with EMDR. And I still have complex PTSD, but am better at flight now after a lot of years of freeze. And that flight translates to being able to find a safe way to exit a triggering incident. It can be a healthy thing.

https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/understand-domestic-violence/what-is-domestic-violence/cycle-of-violence/ is just one of the links you can find if you google the "cycle of abuse". It's important to recognise also that there are many forms of abuse e.g. financial, sexual, social, physical, mental and others, not just physical.

(Edit : decided to tag you here too @Former-Member Hoping things are peaceful for you at the moment.)

Hoping what I'm saying here is only helpful to you. I'll stop now in case it seems I'm preaching. I certainly don't have it all together yet.

All said with care and supportive intention xx

You NEVER come across as preaching @eth , more wise. ❤️❤️

Ive pressed the repeat button it seems, my whole life, or , it’s been pressed for me.

Certainly childhood prepares us for the good, and not so good.

You are an inspiration. Credit to you.

Thanks, I will check out the link. Eventually. ❤️💙💜💚💛

xx @Maggie

Hi @Maggie and @eth

Congratualations to both of your for finding your way through and beyond dv - that is a major deal - and learning about the red-flags and grooming and other things is something beyond my experience I certainly know enough to comment that your efforts are well done and appreciated - and thanks for sharing that part of your individual journeys.

Some people are further along that others - I see that - but one thing is sure - we do not deserve the abuse - ever - whateve a man tries to convince ourselves of and yes - I think I believe it often starts in childhood - which is a generational thing -

And good work - it has to be an awesomely hard journey and a lonely and scary one

Dec