Taking the plunge

@Former-Member, I am dreadfully sorry to read that you are struggling so badly today. You dont need to say anything, you dont need to share anything. Just know that we are all thinking of you. I also know what its like to feel that you are doing it alone. Physically you may be, but emotionally you have so many friends here who would be right there with you to lift you up and to ensure you feel less alone. Any time you need company, please just come on here and post something to alert us to the fact that you need to know someone is there for you. If you need someone to hold your hand to let you know someone cares, I'm here in spirit.

Sherry

@Former-Member @Former-Member

I am here for a little while..

have some of our posts triggered you?

it is nderstandable if that is the case.

how are you feeling at the moment? Are you safe dear @Former-Member?

sherry responded in a very gentle manner.. Such caring people on here including bella3.. You are part of us here..

no need to explain as sherry said.. Just let us know that you are safe if you don't mind...

I wish that I could add picture s but I have none on my iPad.

Yes @Former-Member, I understand. I have those days too. There is no hurry to write more. Only when you feel ready. I did not post to you in an effort to get you to respond, merely to let you know that you are not alone, and that there are many here who care a great deal for you. Please take as much time out as you need. But you have a lot of friends here who are very willing to support you in any way they can, when you are ready.

xx

Thanks @Former-Member

I am safe. Hiding at home today, trying to get through this. Trying to avoid a complete breakdown. Helps to know someone is there.

@Former-Member

have you got a pet? A fur cuddle?

my brain is very foggy

a nice warm drink to feel the warmth in your hands and inside..

have you eaten today?

sorry too many questions

back soon my fur babies are attacking me..past their dinner time

@Former-Member

Am here again ..having problems with connection and errors or something

maggie is here too.

@Former-Member

Thank you @Former-Member@Maggie for your beautiful posts. It's so liberating to be able to be totally honest and be myself with others and accepted. That does make me feel less alone - thank you so much.

@Maggie - with bipolar that are different types - 1 and 2 and there are varying degrees of severity within that category. I suffer bipolar 1. With BP 2 it weights more on the depression side of symptoms rather than mania to my knowledge. But with mania one can have mixed episodes where depression can be present at the same time. It can vary from person to person. It can be complex and and never totally black and white. Bipolar is difficult to diagnose and needs a professional assessment. I gained more than one expert diagnosis (saw several psychiatrists) and the same diagnosis was given. I just didn't really want to accept it. Felt like the end of the world at the time but not now. Only when I am in the episode.

For example last Friday I was feeling on top of the world. I said to my husband that I wish the day could never end I felt so good. The following day I crashed, depression hit hard. The next day felt good for a couple of hours then the next hour depressed again. Moods can be all over the place when the disorder is at it's worse.

Also when in mania I talk very fast and loud, and become very enthusiastic (high) which people can like and find very entertaining - but that can also turn to irritability in the mist of it and can crash some hours later into a low mood. When mania hits I can pace up and down - sometimes I have taken off in the car or will run around the block (what a sight lol). The anxiety is overwhelming and I can "flip out". I can't think rationally in that moment and anger can consume. It's horrid, but I do gain good insight again when I get through it. When in it I will avoid going out and can become housebound. I also stay away from the phone or social media in case I say the wrong thing.

It doesn't happen a lot - probably mild episodes every 6 weeks; the major episodes are the worry. The latter may go on for days, or months, and will then be followed by a long period where I may be a bit low or mildly anxious but otherwise quite mentally healthy with good insight. Quite normal and sound. But depression is usually, even if very mild, always in the background. I get a lot done and achieved when I am in the better place. It's complex. But I am a achiever nevertheless and try not to let it stop me.

True I don't like labels but getting the right diagnosis is important. Because for example if we are feeling depressed and it's due to bipolar - some anti-ds etc can make it worse (although BP 2 not necessarily). Certain meds won't work if treated for depression and it's bipolar. Or treated for bipolar and it's depression or something else, can bring on other mental adverse symptoms, so getting that diagnosis right is very important in my opinion. I was afraid to try a lot of the bipolar meds because of the side effects.

I have had ECT - but found that it did help the depression but made my anxiety worse, so I felt it did more harm than good for me . But some others can swear by it. When I have an episode sedation meds and sleep helps me short term. Then I try it without them. This particular episode was a major one, so not sure if I will bite the bullet now and see a psychiatrist. If it happens too often or for too long I will.

If I worry constantly (I.e. About husband and daughter) it will take its toll over time and trigger an episode. So living for the present has helped me control it. Getting sleep patterns in order does too (that's the hard part presently). Being positive and a healthy lifestyle also helps me a lot - so there are things that I can do. But will see how I go.

@Former-Member - your post was lovely and heartfelt - thank you. It really was soothing to read. It sounds like your childhood was difficult too - due to abuse I have years missing from it that I cannot recall also (which I don't mind).

I personally feel from what you posted, that your anger towards your mum and twin sister for rejecting your loving son whom has done nothing to provoke this - is justified. Anger does take our peace and is horrible to deal with, but in your case here I think it is understandable. Righteous anger really. And the fact you don't want your son to be hurt and feel the rejection. As a mother this can be so painful to watch. I have had similar treatment from blood relatives and no longer see most of them as a result. It's too negative and toxic to be around.

Unofrtunately with me recently when I had this latest episode there was no reason for my anger. My thinking due to my condition was out of reality (delusional). I was not thinking straight. Even though my husband tried to tell me at the time I wouldn't believe him. I can't see it at those times. It's awful. Sounds like you can suffer similar at times.

I am learning to talk back to those thoughts and settle myself down. My thinking goes back to the abuse I suffered in the past and I relive it and the anger, thinking it's happening again, when it's not.

When the episode passes I can see clearly again and work on ways of coping to either prevent it happening again or deal with it better where no one is hurt, including myself, when it happens. I was good for many years but this year have relapsed somewhat. Probably due to constant worry/stress and bad sleep patterns.

Your husband sounds a keeper like mine. A beautiful person. We are blessed this way my friend and that Is a treasure. That makes me happy and gives much comfort and hope.

My best friend rang to see how I am. I am lucky also to have a good one there. She values my friendship which makes me feel much better. It all helps heal and I am hopeful for a happy future.

It really also feels so good to be able to be myself here as in real life I tell no one of my mental health issues and feelings/pain. It's wonderful to be able to express that at times here and be accepted.

@Former-Member - I do so relate to how hard it can be. My heart goes out to you. We are here for you and please feel free to express how you feel as we are listening with open ears and hearts. We care, and one day at a time together we will get there. Much love to you all ❤️

P.S. Maggie I still intend working on finishing that story this weekend. It will be fun 😊