Taking the plunge

Hi @Maggie, and my apologies for being absent for some time. Sorry to hear of your migraine too. Hopefully by now its settled somewhat. You mentioned another appointment today, hopefully that went well. I really loved the rose you sent for @Former-Member 's daughter. Very beautiful. Bella3, I trust its a very special day today for you and your daughter. Although I was very sorry to read of another minor 'turn' of your D. Have the medical fraternity indicated any treatment or solutions to the issue? I am well aware I may have missed this information over the past days or week. I am not on here that often and often cant keep up with the conversations when I do.

Hi also to @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member, and @MoonGal who I recall meeting some time back on my thread. Nice to see you are still around.

@Former-Member, did you manage to get in that longed for nap by any chance?

Sherry

Hello @Maggie@Former-Member@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope- hope your day was okay. Sending lots of love to you all.

@Former-Member - hope all went well for your daughter's special day/evening. Thinking of you. You both deserve to have a good time making happy memories today after all you have both been through. Sending a warm hug.

@Maggie - migraines are terrible. You are so gracious about your suffering. Not me - I find acceptance hard. How did your appt today go? Will be eager to hear about it.

I am in a terrible way physically and this has been adversely effecting me mentally. I have to fight the urge to move away from my family and friends. This is what depression is doing to me presently. I want to hide in a corner.

Can I ask others who suffer depression if it effects them this way? - being that they see themselves as unworthy in others eyes and moves away from them as a direct result - do you push them away too? Does your relationships with others suffer or do you find the opposite, you move closer?

I am struggling this way (pushing others away feeling unworthy, my outlook on life has gone from optimistic to flat); - even though I can rationalise this may be my perception out I still struggle. My thoughts can overwhelm and I find myself blocking everything out in self protection. I feel numb. It's really upsetting me greatly and would appreciate to hear anyone's thoughts on this and/or advice on how to best cope with it. What would you do if feeling this way?

Maggie, I have nearly finished the story - my brother may not get down this weekend as rain is predicted so I will try and finish it then. How are you holding up to the heat in Tassie? We are in the 30s here. Sending warm thoughts your way 💕

@Former-Member

there are many posts on this forum of people who suffer symptoms of depression..

some suffer for a certain period..short term ..

or..

a number of years..

you have previously written of your depths of depression..

what has changed?

some of us have chronic depression from childhood...

is this a reaction all depression that you speak of? ..

is this the same experience you wrote about at great length in one of your previous threads?

or what is this that you feel now?

@Former-Member I'll try and discribe how I feel during depressing episodes, which seems most of the time. I feel like no one could or would want me around, that I have nothing worth saying or doing that would be any good at all. I feel the badness in me might contaminate others, that I deceive people and that's what they sometimes think they like me, but if they knew the REAL me, they would run to the other side of the planet. In the real world I need to mention, I have NO friends, apart from fur baby, and NO family support. Am I right or not. Are these the same kind of thoughts you are experiencing. As far as pushing people away, I'm constantly pushing my social worker, but hoping she will stay, so far she has. I don't know the answers, I wish I did, it's unfortunately the price of abuse we pay with our lives. Unfair, yes!

I'm sorry your are caught in the storm @Former-Member@and would do all I could to ease some pain, but I can't, I'm in the middle of my own. All I can do is be here to listen and sincerely care. 💔💔💔

@Former-Member How are you doing? Seems we are all caught in a hurricane getting more broken.💔💔💔

@Former-MemberI did think a lot about you and D yesterday at graduation. Today you will be tired but I hope you created lifelong memories for you all. When you recover I'd love to hear how it went.❣❣

@Former-Member Good to see you round when you can make it. I know your hands are full and your heart aches. Thinking of you.💕💕

Hello

Thank you @Former-Member@Maggie for your care and support. I will try and explain as best as I can and answer your questions. Previously I had episodes of major depression that I expressed on here triggered by grief and acute continual stress. This present time I had a manic episode. Many years ago in my mid twenties I had been diagnosed with bi polar; genetically I am predisposed together due to childhood abuse and trauma being the causes. Also when my physical health declines my mental health will naturally go along with it and this will also trigger an episode. When a young child due to childhood abuse I suffered an episode of psychosis and multiple personality disorder (they now call DID). But never had a repeat of those disorders since. Just battled with depression/anxiety/bi-polar.

I don't mention this much as I do not like labels as I don't like being defined by MI or to suffer the uneducated stigma of it. I just don't believe the no hope bit labels can tend to incite. We are all different and unique. I keep it well under control most of the time through the coping mechanisms I have been writing about here for a long time . I have coped well, feeling mentally strong most of the time with great insight and a healthy mental soundness. I would relapse at times with depression due to grief and acute stress.

But this time an episode of mania was trigger. I went from sleeping a lot to not sleeping much at all the last four Nights. My mind would not shut off - not just with racing thoughts, much worse (hard to describe). It's black. I had a manic episode. At these times mentally the depression is only what I can describe as mental agony. I tried to even push through this and did go to work, but ended up crying and holding my head in my room last night when I returned from my volunteer work. Wailing. The thoughts I had to battle in my head were so painful, they are very negative with suicide ideation and I become full of anger. I just loathe this as it is not me. I fight these thoughts and would never do that now to my husband and daughter, but It's horrible and I try and hide this from all.

My husband could see right through it and so could my best friend. I wasn't myself. I say, act and do things that are out of character. I push everyone away thinking they don't care. I even tell my husband I am leaving and he is my world! Yes, Maggie I feel and think just like you but I know I am not a bad person, as you are not, I don't think I am bad as I don't act on my thoughts mostly or let them define me as a person, I feel love and compassion for others hence why when well I am there for them, but I do push others away when my perception is distorted, am unwell and I can destroy relationships when I have an episode.

I think I have managed to hang on to my closest friend, not sure if damage has been done. Time will tell. When these negative thoughts and anger were assailing me, that's when I came on here for help. I lose all the peace of mind I once had when it hits. It's such a terrible illness. But at least I have it under control most of the time.

I should have recognised the signs. I have been having nightmares every night for a year but soldiered on. It's a wonder it did not happen before this.

My husband fought through this for me and with my, he is my rock, forgiving and nurturing and hugging me. He was so worried. He helped me tremendously and sought out the right medication for me last night. I had to take something strong to sleep or I would of ended up in hospital. He thinks fast on his feet - he learnt this on the battle field. He is a real life saver.

I feel better this morning but will need to be careful and may seek out short term treatment this time. I will see if I can get through this doing what I normally have been doing. Admittedly it's impossible to feel positive at the time as the depression is great and the thought patterns askewed. But I feel a glimmer of hope now and feel calmer this morning. Somwill make the most of it and do things. Will just have to see if this episode subsides. If not I will have to see a medical professional. Hopefully getting proper sleep will be enough to control the worst symptoms.

I suppose it's a battle with an illness like anything else. But it can be debilitating for me at the time. I don't like the thoughts. It's not what I want my life to be so I usually act against it (not isolate myself but get out and do the things I can handle - i.e. Volunteer work). But it did become very hard to do even this in this present episode. I was thinking, and am thinking of quitting. But not without a fight.

@Maggie when I am like that I feel and think just like you, yes that is how I feel when depressed. And yes, it has a lot to do with the mental scars of abuse. I don't expect anything from this forum or others but to vent and to seek others thoughts and experiences on it if they wish to share so I don't feel so alone, that's it. I know others aren't well and seek no more - it's just nice to be heard like everyone else. So I appreciate your thoughts on how you feel when like this as it serves that purpose - I don't feel so alone. You never need to explain yourself as I understand totally and I don't expect anymore. Thank you @Maggie@Former-Member for this.

Also For me chronic stress and lack of proper sleep can also trigger it, so there is also a physical component that I am up against. I would be totally isolated if not for my husband and that could be dangerous for me when like that. Lucky we have people in our lives to help at these times, your social worker is your rock, my husband mine.

Its a big battle but one that I intend to win once again. I understand that you are both going through similar so I really appreciate your feedback.

I have to go and help my daughter today. Not even sure if I can drive but I have to. Lucky it's only up the road. I can't let her down. She doesn't know what I go through, I hide it from her as it could upset her. She has genetically inherited this from me (well I think she has, can't be entirely sure), but she is fighting it and doing very well at the moment. I can't be the instigator of her downfall so I act to help her with a smile.....

I have a bit of a road ahead and will just take it a day at a time. And only can do my best. Thankfully after sleep the mental torture has eased, I just hope it does not make its second round back tonight. Moment to moment......Sending a warm hug and thoughts to you all.

@Former-Member I was diagnosed with bipolar also and took medication for some years for it. However I did quite a bit of research and decided I didn't have that particular label. I do have manic experiences, they are the times I try ( unsuccessfully) to outrun my thoughts, become over active ( mind and body), but the difference I found personally, was depression didn't actually leave. My mood was still depressed as were /are thoughts. My understanding of bipolar is there are periods of being out of depression. Just putting it out there. Keep talking if you find it helpful.

I hope you don't push too hard today with D, but you seem to know yourself well enough to know when to pull back. Just sending warm thoughts and understanding. 💜💜💜

thank you for sharing such difficult memories and feelings...

I think that I finally understand you better as a result... @Former-Member

I too have what is now been diagnosed as chronic trauma along with chronic major depression...I too do not like labels and believe that these diagnoses serve useful for those requiring a medical report or opinion and that is all..

sadly I too push people away.....I struggle with my anger......I struggle with so many parts of my life...my early years that are totally blank...my psychiatrist describes as blocked...my memories are made up from photographs and questions I have asked to create a story to hang onto..

I am currently really struggling with rejection from twin and mum...I understand that they too have so much going on...they have to look after themselves....why reject my younger son though??? he has always been polite, considerate and loving...he does not need this ...this is the part I am angry about..I am used to such treatment from them for myself ...not my son...they already have moved OS from the picture...no further mentioned or discussed....

my OS comes across as being delusional, hallucinating either all of the time or more frequently...I cannot see him or speak to him properly any more....this dreaded illness has finally taken that away from him...

yes I too have more frequent thoughts of SI or whatever the way they describe it on here....

I struggle with the fact that these thoughts float to the surface of my mind.....I then tell my self that I cannot do such a thing for both of my sons...my husband...yes all of my family....as much as I myself just do not want to be here...I cannot do that to others..

In making this statement I do not undermine anyone who has taken this path....none of us can begin to imagine how despondent, numb. totally hopeless and unloved someone must feel....

there is no judgement from me only sorrow that there are people in this world who add to another's pain..

I too hide my suffering...torment from my sons....my OS i cannot even talk to him now...he is beyond listening...my YS has a positive attitude...wants a loving family.....loves me so much and appreciates all of my help.....I must be a strong loving mum for him too

my husband is my rock also....he does not understand the mental side...he does understand that life has not been kind to me ...he recently said to me I didnt realise how hard life must have been for you growing up....from the latest actions of your sister and mum...I am shocked and better understanding how it might have been for you.

please be yourself with us....you do not have to prove that you are worthy....we know that you are

take care all of us really @Former-Member @Maggie @Former-Member @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope