Taking the plunge

Hello my dear sister @Maggie

Thanks for the post and shout out. It's nice to know someone is thinking of me and cares. Thank you.

Yes, I am very grateful for the break this weekend. I slept 10 hrs last night. The accumulation of stress over the years has taken its toll on me physically and mentally - I think it will take time to fully restore to good health. Getting a proper sleep rountine for a start and more exercise and fun time. Once hubby sorts out his health issues I may get a break to do this hopefully - the first one in 14 years. This year I have just been pushing and do feel better for it (it could of been much worse) but I am still working on getting my zest back.

The move to our new home should help us both tremendously. The walks along the beach, gym activities, indoor pool, golf and the like should get our fitness levels back up. That always strengthens my mind to cope better in return. Fingers crossed. So now to survive so this can happen lol.

Tonight we are off to a birthday and wedding anniversary dinner. At least I don't have to cook. We have returned from hubby's appt and that all went well. They don't need to see him for another six months now. His appt yesterday can't offer an outcome until he has more tests. So the next appt there (his urologist) is the 21st Nov. I won't worry about it until then.

Daughter did text last night and said she would try to pop up and see us before her work shift this afternoon. She must have felt bad about stressing which is good. I do try my best to support her and make sure she is okay. A good thing she lives up the road.

Hubby went up to the shops and I have been alone for hours. The peace in the home is lovely. I have just realised how much I like my own company (don't get me wrong, I love my husband to bits and couldn't get by without him, we get on well). But I am good in my own company. I have noticed I feel more alone when with others at times. Isn't that strange? I do like the company of people and enjoying listening to them talk about their lives - I love it. So not sure why this realisation came upon me. I feel peaceful at the moment and wish I did not have to go out. I think I am the closest thing to a hermit that one could find. But I would never achieve my purpose that way.

I think being highly intuitive I can pick up not only positive vibes but the negative vibes and thoughts of others as well. In a large group or crowded situation this can overwhelm and make me feel low (depending on the environment ofcourse). I like it when I get home and revel in the peace. Or this could be a result of all the hurts and stress over the years that has made me this way. I would not want to be entirely alone though - just most of the time. What is your thoughts on this? I try not to be anti social, always polite, happy and talkative. People seem to like me but I still feel I don't connect. I have never thought I fitted in with others totally and feel a bit of a square peg in a round hole in this world most of the time. But I genuinely care about the world; people don't like to hear the truth.... Don't feel it's going in the right direction for the welfare of all.....

I hope you are feeling better today and not experiencing more dizzy spells. Could be the changing over of meds. If so it should settle hopefully. Also hoping that this new AD offers you some relief From your symptoms. Are you working in the garden today? Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts

Hope you had a good night sleep and feeling better today @Former-Member xxxxxx

Hi @Maggie @Former-Member Thanks for thinking of me. I am really struggling today, but that's nothing unusual.

Is it your wedding anniversary today? @Former-Member Not sure how I am going to manage arranging a holiday and actually going on one. Daunting to think about it, but I can't let my daughter down. I hate letting anyone down.

Are you feeling any better than yesterday, @Maggie ? Do you think you're feeling worse because of the med change?

Thinking of you @Former-Member and wondering how you are going.

That's great news about your husband being transferred to your local hospital @Former-Member Must be such a relief for you and your husband.

Some beautiful flowers for you all.

And a photo of a Pomeranian puppy similar to the one we saw at the beach the other day. You were asking what kind of puppy I'd like @Maggie I'd love one of these, but they are very expensive, so we might have to choose another type of puppy.

@Former-Member

so sorry have not responded to your messages...

have been on a bit of a helter skelter ride with OS (older son) again...

went from a high as a result of getting out of the house 2 days in a row.....productive days..lovely day with YS (younger son) and helped out behind bar at husband sport club as our friend who runs the bar struggling at moment with his cancer...I was so pleasantly surprised when so many people said hello to me and how nice it was to see me.....I have been hiding...also not used to hearing that lately from all directions..

the injection I had in my spine was for pain from two bulging discs in my lower back...was unable to sit for 6months...yes it did work....gentle walking as well at first...

sleep...at the moment I have to medicate myself...because my mind just lets loose as soon as I hit the pillow...meditating...breathing...mindfulness....grounding all add to the dilemma ...then I can't breathe properly and heart starts misbehaving...so tablets at the moment...don't like taking them...am dealing with the fact that I just have to accept it as it is at the moment..

@Maggie medication wise that is just unthinkable in this day and age....sorry don't mean to offend you in anyway...just infuriates me how backward the world is in mental health ...

have you had any new growth or flowers opening in your garden lately? do you have a special area where you can meditate..feel calm?

@Former-Member sorry to hear that you had a bad night...I know that you are very worried about your daughter and the holiday you are planning....I get that...magnified when we are used to hiding....what has helped me is breaking it down into small parts...so that it is not so overwhelming....apart from having to go through the lead up and the getting there...it will lovely for you and your daughter to share some time together away from home...does lighten the load a little..

is that a pomeranian puppy that you posted the picture of??? my cousin and her daughter each had one which I met when I visited...one was a miniature..

lovely to come back to a place where I know that I will feel welcomed....I don't write as often as you all do....I have been working hard at getting stuff done...working at it anyway..

take care all

@Former-Member I hear what you are saying, I have always felt alone in a crowd, more alone than actually being on my own. My counsellor tells me I tune into people also. I can pick up the slightest expression change and vibes. Her understanding is as a young child, I had to watch and prepare for the inevitable, unfortunately I haven't left it behind, it's finely honed. I do have moments of alone feelings, but not many, as anxiety rages inside when with mose people until I feel comfortable, but I am a real hermit I'm afraid.

I home the dinner tonight goes ok, good you are not cooking.

Things sound like they are going well with hubbys appointments, it will be a load off your mind. Now @Former-Member for the packing and moving!!!!! It's one of the highest stress factors and I agree. You have the rest of your life to unpack, I did try and tell myself that when I moved, but I was unpacked within a week. Can't help myself.

You are lucky to be able to sleep well, it's a gift I feel, so enjoy every minute you get. Today is still a big struggle with dizziness and weakness. I'm hoping it will even out in time and I don't have anything pressing so I just have to go with it atm I'm afraid. Fur baby makes it hard to lie down during the day, but we are in bed now getting ready for neighbours and home and away. Enjoy you time out. Sending warm thoughts.💗💗💗 @Former-Member Sorry you are struggling so very hard. It makes it all so unbearable with no real end in sight. I know you have your daughters dress to take up which must feel pressurised, plus your own things to buy. I hope on the night you manage some enjoyment. Also organising the holiday with your daughter would be stressful. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to help during these times. We are here to listen and care. Even though it's an online friendship, the care is still the same, sometimes more. So here we are for you, listening and caring. I'm hoping you can put your feet up and enjoy home and away tonight. Warm thoughts @Former-Member Big hi to you @Former-Member hoping you are doing ok after a big day yesterday with your sons. 💜💜💜

thank you @Maggie

I only get to spend time with my YS (younger son) now...

os (older son) fled states at end of community treatment order last october..

is a very long and painful story for me...I have written on other threads ..on carer side as carers mental health australia consider me to be a carer..

just had a very unsettling telephone call from him earlier.....extremely unwell...so painful hearing his delusional thinking and being unable to do anything just wait ...like a time bomb..

he is very angry and is today blaming myself and his dad (we divorced a long time ago) for not doing anything for what he considered to be threats from others....paranoia..

his birthday...he wont have a bar of it...I get that too...

I dont think he will be in touch with me again from what he said...he wont tell me where he is again either..

I have some very kind considerate people on this forum who ask after me and show that they care for someone who has mental illness and has a son who is very unwell with a serious mental illness.. very hard to find that in real life sadly..

same for all of us on here in one way or another we find comfort with people who struggle with being heard...or even being able to talk about their situations...having been trampled all over and so badly mistreated..

thank you

take care

Oh dear @Former-Member that must be so hard. Waiting for the bomb to go off. Paranoia is hard, I get like it at times, feels like the world has it it for us and no,one understands, it's hard. I don't know your story so forgive me if I ask the wrong questions. Is you husband supportive??? Can you talk things through with him and ys???? Though you have said there's no one in the RW to talk to. Josh it's hard isn't it, hearing just how much others are suffering through no fault of their own. Sending warm thoughts wishing I could do more.💛💛💛

@Maggie

lovely lady you are doing far more than you can possibly realise already...I ask for no more

OS father has always reacted with anger and aggression...dreadful environment for anyone...

tried to get both sons to come with me when I left but their dad played the game and enticed with gifts...holidays..materialistic things...

that is not me ... I did not compete....I gave them my love and shared my time with them...I tried to counterbalance the two very different living environments...

so older son became verbally abusive and physically abusive on one occasion with myself and his brother...I had to call the police...hardest thing I have ever done in my life...until I saw him detained..

OS was found to be smoking weed..he rebelled...at 15 he would not listen to my rules and I would drive around the streets looking for him at 1am in the morning so many times...

so I believe and just hearsay but with talking to my psychiatrist and those who assessed son that possibly some drug induced...definitely exacerbated by criticism...being put down and harsh abusive environment he chose to go back to with his dad time and time again...such a controlling nightmare..

diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia...

I know that my real son is there and it hurts me so much to hear him experiencing these delusions...I have to set boundaries and use self-care....which is so logical and sensible in theory...so b....y in practice...

my YS tells me also that I must be firm and set boundaries....that he has to learn himself..

there you asked why I don't open up....

this is only some of the stuff....enough

enjoy your fur baby....animals are such beautiful beings in a world of such heartache

take care

THankyou @Maggie @Former-Member

just letting me know that you care is more than enough..

you must not take on my pain though ...you both have more than enough to deal with..

hoping that you both have a peaceful sleep

mohill