Taking the plunge

Hi @Phoenix_Rising - indeed you know how to love. That is evident with the bond formed with your beloved pets. What I have seen here on this forum is that you are a very caring intelligent person with a great sense of humour and fun - anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend, sincerely. The way I see it is that anyone who saids "you are too weird to be loved" is either too blind to your inner beauty or is not worthy of it - it is in the eye of the beholder.

Hello @Maggie

I have not been home for very long - am so exhausted, but it's a nice exhaustion. I feel I achieved something good.

Thank you for your loving care - it really means a lot to me. My daughter will be at work and I have to be careful not to show anxiety in front of her as she struggles with her own issues. I always have to keep strong for her. I have a couple of close friends but they are very busy with their families, lives. So I am pretty much on my own. I would contact one close friend if it were a hospital emergency but ironically she is afraid of such situations. Difficult. Moral support at these times would make all the difference, otherwise I am very independent. So I will just have to be extra strong. It's very comforting to know you are there. You are one of a kind 💕

How did it go at the eye specialist today? I can relate to spending the night in panic before such. Not easy. Did you have any laser work done on your cataracts? I would of gone with you today for moral support if I could of - but what I can offer is to sit with you and be their in spirit. I hope all is okay with you this evening my friend 😊

@Former-Member Yes one appointment over, another in two weeks time. It's times like these I feel very much alone on this planet and wonder how I did it so well, probably the best I've done in anything. I have a pierced cataract now waiting for surgery in 12 mths. My other eye is blind so no need doing anything with it, it's been blind all my life, but I only found out in my last app. It was due to lack of brain growrh not the accident I had always thought. I had a field day with that bit of info!!!!!!!

I thought as much regarding friends and your daughter, so we will have to be with you in spirit, and we will be. Someone once told me that sometimes in alcoholic rehab, they take the other member with them to a occasions where there might be alcohol, in their pocket. So, make sure you have a roomy pocket we can all fit in, and remember where we are, might be best not to talk though, could look strange!!!!

Sounds like you need to,put your feet up and recover from the day. Sweet dreams. 💗💗💗

@Phoenix_Rising I'm not ignoring your post, thinking about it. Will post when I have something worth saying.

@Phoenix_Rising Hummm, i read the different Greek meanings for love which makes sense intellectually but for me not emotionally. When I was in the convent we received a ring when taking vows with a personal motto engraved inside. One of the others had....all in agape oh trinity....mine....I am your servant....somehow I think I've confused love with servanthood. I think my childhood trained me to be a servant, self sacrificing etc,etc then the choices I made fitted the role perfectly, unfortunately serving for me meant giving, then giving some more, until I was empty. This is where it all changes as no one stuck around with the ......love......I needed for me, everyone left once I was no more use. Not sure if this is making any sense and might regret posting, but, you mentioned your animals and your love for them. Well there's not a doubt in my mind that every animal I've owned has loved me and me them, 3 dogs, 3 cats, 3 birds. Why is this???

I must admit I was disappointed in you psych for saying what was said. @Former-Member has said it well. Reading other posts you have written, you say in the real world you come across different to online, me too, only I think I come across as brain dead, getting words out sometimes just doesn't happen because anxiety rages. Think I've lost the point here so will leave it at this. Hope you understand some. 😀😀

Hi @Maggie,

I definitely don't pretend to have any answers for you regarding the muddle of what love is.

It is totally understandable that your childhood experiences would make the concept of love a gigantic muddle for you. Attachment theory is one of my "special interests" and the effects on a child's attachment system of experiences such as those you have shared re. your childhood, are very well researched and documented. It makes for a very big muddle.

For me, I guess serving others is an aspect of love, but certainly not the whole story. I mean, even with my animals, when I give them that ultimate gift of safe passage across the Rainbow Bridge, this is an act of servitude. I give it expecting nothing (except a gigantic amount of grief) in return. It is utterly selfless and utterly giving. To me, that is Agape. At the same time, for each of my animals I have given them that gift after they have given me great joy and pleasure for 15, 12, and 13 years respectively. So it is very much a two-way street.

Anyway, as I said, I definitely don't have any answers for you, Maggie. I just know that every person I have ever deeply loved has walked out of my world, often in a catastrophic way (e.g. taking a restraining order out against me). Now my attachment system is so scrambled, I pretty much don't know which way is up. So...I guess we will just have to be muddled together @Maggie.

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising im used to muddling.😀😀

@Maggie

I have read through your posts and am now here..

I have no words to offer you.....

I believe that there are many times in a perso's self-discovery where words just make it more of a mess...

feelings are there...but no words needed to be attached...

you are a part of your life experiences.....there is also unique you in the mix....

diagnosis helps some people...others not

love is also a word...used very loosely....manipulatively...hurtfully....in many different ways

it is a word used to describe feelings....how can one word possibly describe so many complex feelings of so many unique beings who all have had different life experiences..

forget the word love...it is empty....the feeling of love is what can be discovered....different again as different feelings are felt for different people...animals.?

I can remember one day assisting a client ...during the meeting I experienced this huge feeling far greater than joy...I tried to explore within my mind what had happened...

I have felt similar in the company of some people even without words said...connection

I believe a form of spirituality comes closest to mind...again no word describes it...

the feelings you have with your precious animals....words cannot convey the unspoken bond...that look in their eyes..

I wish for you that you can be at peace and discover different feelings experiences with all who make up you..

yes as others have mentioned...you are a very special person...perhaps gifted in ways that you are yet to discover..

lovely that you reach out and help others....be mindful of all the extra energy that you need for you..

I am delighted to have met you..

again this is not about me ..my giving...this is about giving to you and you..all of you...each of you...learning to feel safe enough to accept

slowly...gently..

@Former-Member I can feel alone in the DID diagnosis, few understand. As I struggle at times with it myself, I get that. Thank you for such kind caring understanding words...connections. Go gently with you also and I am pleased to have met you, Thankyou. 💞💞💞

Hi @Maggie

How are you this evening? I am exhausted once again - have been cooking in the kitchen for 5 hours. Daughter came over for dinner and it was a happy occasion once again. She is in a much better place. She went home with bags of cooked meals and cake slices etc again

I liked what @Phoenix_Rising said that love is a two way street. It is - when we give we receive - but not always directly from some of those we show love too (but ofcourse it can be as with me and hubby and daughter, in the capacity they can give). But it always comes back through special others i.e. your social worker, pets - it always finds its way back. And it is a selfless act I have experienced (giving wanting nothing back in return is a sure sign of its genuinity).

You said that all the people you loved failed you but your pets never did and asked "why is that?". Because animals do not have human nature which can lean towards the selfish side. The good loving side is more developed in some. I have to know someone very well before I trust them. My daughter the same now. But I respect all as to me that's common decency.

My pockets are big - I will keep you warm in there. Thank you my friend. My husband is actually looking forward to the injection to be free of pain. Praying it works well again.

You are a real inspiration for me - how you handle the cataract piercing on your own so well. That's courageous and i will think of this when in the waiting room alone - it will strengthen me. We can do this Maggie. Say a prayer for me and hubby please.

I noted in a past post you stated that your words were thick headed. Nothing could be further from the truth. Words of compassion, care, honesty and wisdom sooth the nerves and warms the heart. You have that in abundance.

I am off to do some much needed catching up on my cross stitching. I should have that pic up soon of my cross stitch stash for my Mermaid that I will be starting end of Nov. There is so much glitz and glitter 😍. Looking forward to doing that one. Have you been doing much cross stitching of late? I hope to do more on my writing this weekend. Then after all the appts are over next will - hope to post it soon after on the forum "enjoying time with other". Heading being "Collaborative short story writing group". I will tag all those who have stated interest under this, and others who may be want to join in, or not. It will be an interesting journey. Sending lots of love always 💕

Hello @Former-Member - it's good to read your posts. Hope all is going okay for you. 😊

Hello @Faith-and-Hope - how is everything going?

I totally understand and know how tough it can be. And yes, the only way to cope is moment to moment, one day at a time. Somehow it will all work out - it's just we don't know at what time. But it will be alright. And we will be here for you every step of the way until that happens. You have many friends here and you will never be alone ❤️xx Your mother is proud of you - I feel that strongly.