I feel...

I've come crashing back down to Earth with an almighty thud!

I returned to college today to discover I am so far behind (I'm talking 3 weeks!). I have an assessment due to be completed tomorrow, but I haven't been able to finish it, despite working hard. The teacher expects a 300-word response written in 5 minutes. I'm scared of failure but considering half the students in our class are repeating the subject because they failed, I think failure is highly likely. I'm scared of not being the best in the class... mostly because of the high amount of pressure placed on me by my family. My Father says I'm a failure in his eyes if I don't top the class, despite my disabilities. All day I've been plagued by voices and negative intrusive thoughts (like harming myself or being chronically suicidal). So far, I'm holding out. I cannot wind up in respite or worse yet, hospital, despite what I am being instructed to do by my voices. Normally I'd go to the catch-up tutorial midweek, but I can't make it due to commitments I had before I started this course. I figure if I can't cope as a student, I'm never going to make it in the field, I have no business aiming for dreams and aspirations. I'm a gonnabe wannabe and neverbe.

@Queenieyou arent a failure becasue your struggling. can you ask for an extension on your assignment? could you maybe change your commitments to another day or try to add in an extra hr of study each day to help catch up with your course?

I wish I could change these commitments @outlander, but I can't no matter what I do. Extensions are only given with a medical certificate and I doubt my GP will give me one. I'm still on the cancellation list to see my psychiatrist, but I don't want to bring it up with him because he might want to hospitalise me and that means I will fall even further behind. I should have taken my study on my little break interstate, but family imposed a no technology rule (other than phone). Now I am so far behind I am thinking of dropping out. My Mrs is studying the same course but is blase about not being the top of the class. She is happy with just passing each subject. I really don't know what I am going to do if I don't come in as number one. I am going to do an all-nighter tonight me thinks to get this assessment done. 😞

Hi @Queenie

I am sorry that this is happening and so much added pressure is being put onto you by your family.

As a teacher, I find it extremely hard to hear someone say to another person that they have to be top of the class or they are a failure.

At the end of the day marks mean nothing. If you pass that is great, if you don't then you have the opportunity to try again. The best students do not always become the best at that job. I always remember my father saying to me just because you are good at the game, doesn't mean you know how to coach it. The best coaches are sometimes the ones that struggle the most, because they know how to fight for it.

The best students are sometimes the ones that struggle the most, becasue they know how much it means to have that degree.

I hope that makes sense. If not, I am thinking of you and sitting with you.

i agree with @Snowie here @Queenie why not focussing on doing your best and aiming to pass not be the best no matter what your family thinks of you. we dont think any less of you for not getting 100% every time

My Father has always put masses of academic pressure upon me @Snowie. I don't know why I listen to him. I love my Father so much and would move heaven and Earth for him to be proud of me. The thing is nothing ever impresses him. When I did my first degree, he didn't congratulate me. When I was in high school, he didn't congratulate me. He is a harsh critic. I guess I am just wanting him to say, "Hey, I'm impressed and proud of you". Instead, he has always said I wasn't good enough. I guess I shouldn't pay him any attention, but he is the only blood family I have left (my Mum and brother are both dead).

I know in the end, a qualification will be awarded whether or not you pass with distinctions or just pass. I know I shouldn't get swept up in the pressure of the course (as it is only going to get harder from here on in). I just want my Old Man to love me, something I know unless I succeed, he won't. He is very selective with his level of affection.

Well, I'm off to do this blasted assessment. I must say I'm honestly petrified! 😞

youve got this @Queenie all you can do is your best

@Queeniecan totally understand

I don't have a good relationship with my mother but for some reason want her approval (my father has passed away). I don't know why we want their attention or praise, but we do.

I have realised however that whatever I do it will never be good enough for her, and that sounds like you with your father too.

So get your own approval instead. As long as your are proud of yourself then that is all that matters.

I've been struggling today with a lot of anxiety. It's made me nauseous. I can't keep anything down except for a few small sips of water. I keep on shaking and I am so physically and emotionally exhausted.

I'm just having a quick pop in tonight. I am going to bed early I think. My support worker popped in today and completed a few assessments for the NDIS. I could barely concentrate on it and because of that I got a low score on whatever it was.