I feel...

Nighty night @Bunniekins. Sleep well 🙂

Sigh....

It's one of those days today. A day where I am totally overwhelmed.

I embarrassed myself by literally running from one end of a Westfield to the other, I was in a terrible hurry to get the heck out of there! Why? Because Asher is back with a vengeance. Asher is one of the more malicious voices I hear. He often tells me horrible things, including goading me into ending my life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. Just because he's a bully. It's just crushing. It is literally like a ball and chain attached to me when he is around, well when any of them are around.

I know what's triggered this off, it doesn't take a genius to work it out. I feel horrible but at the same time, I've got to put my big girl panties on. It's the only way to get out of this muddle. I guess at least I'm not overly paranoid, I'm not delusional (that I know of).

I also went to an NDIS seminar today before the shopping disaster. I was hearing voices the whole way through there too. As far as I can tell my level of functioning isn't severe enough to be approved for anything under the scheme, so there goes respite and support worker. I'll fall through the cracks and that bothers me, totally. I am trying to live a normal fulfilling life and whenever I try, I just go backwards.

Maybe my voices are right and I should just give up? I don't know. I'm just totally overwhelmed.

no no no @Queenie that is Asher speaking. dont listen to him. he is a bully and what he says is all wrong.

you do sound relaly overwhelmed soo what can i/we do to help you out? what usually helps with him?

might be a good time to see your gp or psychiatrist again hey... have you told your mrs?

Yes, she knows @outlander. She can always tell, especially when she sees me cry. I see my GP on Friday for my next injection and I think my GP is waiting for me to crash. Last time I saw her I was buzzing and paced her office throwing my hands in the air. I guess she'll call my psychiatrist again (except he is on holidays so might be impossible to find as he often goes abroad on his vacations).

I'm listening to music at the moment while the Mrs watches cricket on tv.

@Queeniewell this is the crash- youve had these before so what usually helps.

im glad youve got an appointment on friday and your mrs knows. thats always a good start Q

music is good. im jsut on here, going in for shower in a sec and possibly manage dinner -its 1030 here but no appetite these days.

All I want to do is sleep @outlander. That's impractical though at this time of year. There are gifts and food to buy. Cooking to do. Family to see and try and talk with. The heat is also not helping (we don't have air con here). Today's temp was 38 outside and 35 indoors, awful. That was why I went shopping to start with... to escape the heat (along with about half of the population it seemed).

I guess I'll go to bed soon. I have to be up early to go grocery shopping as nobody else seems interested in buying the turkey for Christmas. Everyone is going about 9am, so have to be up at 8am. Usually I don't fall asleep until 1 or 2am when my Mrs turns in for the night.

Anyway I think I'm rambling. Am I? I'll shut up and log off and catch you tomorrow my friend.

@Queeniewe had 44 here until around 2pm when a southerly come through. its raining now. the heat is seriously horrible! and yep the entire planet wants tog et awya from the heat so they vacate to the mall.

and nope you arent rambling, but good night @Queenie i do hope you manage some sleep

And so I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow. How do I come to tell her I've crashed? I'm just totally confused and frightened if I tell her certain stuff, she will ruin Christmas by hospitalising me against my wishes. I'm kind of freaking out tbh.

I told my Mrs about it but she didn't really listen, rather just pleaded with me not to go to the hospital. I don't think I need hospital, far from it. Although the voices are telling me to commit suicide, I am NOT myself suicidal. Besides, I wouldn't ever act upon it this time of year even if I was, that would ruin it for everybody around me.

All I can attribute this crash to are the following factors:-

* The sudden changes in antipsychotic and mood stabilizing meds about 3 weeks ago which have sort of since been rectified.

* The issues with my Father

* The anniversary of my best friend's death a month ago. It has been 10 years since she took her own life.

Hi @Queenie

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling as though you have crashed. I can understand feeling frightened about telling your GP about certain things, particularly around the voices telling you to suicide. It sounds to me that while you are struggling with these voices, this isn't something that you plan on acting on right now. I can also hear that there have been a number of factors that have contributed to the crash. The appointment may be a good opportunity to reflect on these factors and get her opinion on the medication side of things in particular.

I think you have been able to articulate what is happening for you really well here. I'm wondering if you could reflect what you have written here to your GP?

You seem to feel as though you don't need hospital right now and although you are experiencing voices telling you to harm yourself, it sounds like you are sure this isn't something you want to do. Perhaps in your appointment you can come up with a plan of what to do should this change?

I've actually handwritten my last post out on a piece of paper which I intend to hand to my GP tomorrow morning when I see her @Former-Member. Hopefully, we can sort out a plan of action based upon this. I don't want to call in the cavalry so to speak, but at the same time not put a band-aid on a broken leg either. My psychiatrist is abroad so unavailable, so I hope together we can come up with something to get me through until mid-January (when my psychiatrist returns from leave).