I feel...

It will be a group therapy session @utopia, so I doubt I'll actually open up about my mixed feelings about my Father. I've taken to calling him my Father rather than my Dad, as any man can father a child, it takes a real man to be a Dad. Something I feel he doesn't do. He has given me the ultimatum to meeting with him on Thursday or lose all of those possessions (he said he'll dump them). It breaks my heart the way he treats me, how most of my family bar one person treats me. I am estranged from all of them. My Father has even told people in his life that I died a few years ago. I know this because I ran into them in the street and they were shocked to see me. They told me they believed I committed suicide about 10 years ago. So, to my Father, I am dead already. Sometimes this makes me think perhaps I should be dead in reality, but the only reason I hold on is my Mrs. Without her, I would simply give up the fight.

Sorry, I shouldn't even be posting about this stuff. I don't want to go into the years of abuse I had at the hands of my family as an adolescent, teenager and young adult. It's all too hard.

Crying hard now.

I can't go out at the moment @outlander. There's torrential rain here, so it'll look really weird. Besides, they are all in the sitting room beside the door. There's no escape. I wish I could get out of here and just go catch a bus somewhere and sit. I don't even care where it's going.

Hi @Queenie,

I can't imagine how awful that must be, having your dad want to hand over the remnants of your life with him. It sounds like you super want to have a relationship with him, but he doesn't want to have one with you, is that right??? I know how utterly crushing it can be to be rejected by a parent (although in my case it was a father-figure rather than an actual biological/legal dad). I still carry the pain of that more than twenty years on. I super wish I could say or do something to ease your pain, but alas, all I can do is let you know that I hear you.

I am listening to loud music on my headphones. At the moment it is P!nk. She seems to know how to say how I feel in music. The song is Try. I am also ferociously scribbling in black pen on a notebook. I've torn several holes in the paper.

None of my care workers work on a Sunday. They are strictly Mon-Fri people. I'd call my cousin, but she has just settled. I don't to stir the pot when she is battling her own demons caused by The Family.

My Father calls me a failure. He used to (and obviously still does) torment me as does my stepmother/aunt. After my Mother died, he and I got on great. I had a really good relationship with him, but all that changed when he married my Mother's sister. I hate her, I really do. I feel like she is the crux of the reason why I copped such severe abuse. It was all at her whim.

I can't even get up at the moment to face the family. I am sitting in the kitchen with my back to them.

That all sounds so awful @Queenie.

I don't mean to upset anyone here, my sincerest apologies if I have. 😞