Unknown userMember
FORUMS
Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.
- 47,612Members
- 1,358,869Posts
- 1,400,000Visitors
RE: Darkness surrounds me
6693 replies
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Nighty night all you lovely people
@Former-Member @outlander @Sans911 @CheerBear and everyone 😴😙💜💕
@Former-Member @outlander @Sans911 @CheerBear and everyone 😴😙💜💕
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Night @Former-Member and @CheerBear, sweet dreams💤💤
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Bubbles3Senior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
the darkness im feeling today is some where i dont want to be . its a dark and lonely placeAlone in the darkness, can't you see? There's nothing left inside of me
I shout and I scream, there's nothing here
Cause the darkness is all, that's what I fear
The shouts echo and rebound all around
There's nothing here, naught to be found
Through the window life is out there
Here I sit lost, alone and nowhere
Give me but a taste of that life
Without the darkness full of strife
Feel the hatred, the sorrow and pain
Taste the tears that pour down like rain
While all the world passes me by
I sit here alone, my eye's aren't dry
The loneliness is worse it comes from within
There is life all around, if I could only get in
Walls of my making, they're walls of thick steel
Walling me off so I don't have to feel
But they work two ways those walls of mine
Of life and laughter they give no sign
Only darkness and death await me here
But don't you worry, shed not a tear
For I built these walls a long time ago
And of my despair I'll try not to show
Alone in the darkness, can't you see?
This loneliness is all caused by me
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Bubbles3 that's beautiful what you wrote but very sad.
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Bubbles3Senior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
thanks @Sans911
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
So after Wednesday and how well it went I thought I would feel great. But instead I feel the exact opposite and i don't know why. I feel depressed and worried. Worried how hubby is coping with the news. And I feel on edge about when he is going to ask me a question about what happened and what that question might be. And this is making me more anxious to be around him. I feel silly for having these thoughts and they are not sitting well with me.
I guess i just expected my thoughts would calm down sonewhat and they haven't. I am still experiencing thoughts of SH and SI. Maybe i am expecting too much of myself, i dont know. I just feel like i dont have any answers at this stage.
I guess i just expected my thoughts would calm down sonewhat and they haven't. I am still experiencing thoughts of SH and SI. Maybe i am expecting too much of myself, i dont know. I just feel like i dont have any answers at this stage.
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Good morning @Former-Member. I find it hard to expect myself to feel a certain way and then find myself feeling a completely different way. It can really throw me.
What you experienced on Wednesday was not something you have experienced before, and by the sounds of it, what happened did not go as you expected (it went better than you thought it would). That can add an element of surprise to the mix.
Things sound confusing and I guess that it is because it is. Traumatic events, by their very nature, don't fit nicely with our brains and how we make sense of things. We can "get it" in some ways, but still not be able to properly "get it" ourselves, and I know for me that adds questions that, like you, I can't answer.
I also know that for me, my brain does not like waiting to see what's coming and not knowing when or how it will happen. At all. It makes me live in a state of high alert which keeps the cycle of anxiety going. It can take a lot of experience with that "high alert" being kind of like a false alarm, to undo the damage that's happened from the times it hasn't been a false alarm. That might not make much sense, sorry. What I am trying to say is that it is hard to trust that things will be ok when they haven't been before.
I'm sorry that you're feeling silly for having these thoughts. I wanted you to know that it is ok that you're having them and that things aren't feeling great even though it may have gone better than expected for you on Wednesday.
Thinking of you this morning.
What you experienced on Wednesday was not something you have experienced before, and by the sounds of it, what happened did not go as you expected (it went better than you thought it would). That can add an element of surprise to the mix.
Things sound confusing and I guess that it is because it is. Traumatic events, by their very nature, don't fit nicely with our brains and how we make sense of things. We can "get it" in some ways, but still not be able to properly "get it" ourselves, and I know for me that adds questions that, like you, I can't answer.
I also know that for me, my brain does not like waiting to see what's coming and not knowing when or how it will happen. At all. It makes me live in a state of high alert which keeps the cycle of anxiety going. It can take a lot of experience with that "high alert" being kind of like a false alarm, to undo the damage that's happened from the times it hasn't been a false alarm. That might not make much sense, sorry. What I am trying to say is that it is hard to trust that things will be ok when they haven't been before.
I'm sorry that you're feeling silly for having these thoughts. I wanted you to know that it is ok that you're having them and that things aren't feeling great even though it may have gone better than expected for you on Wednesday.
Thinking of you this morning.
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Thanks @CheerBear and yes what you are saying makes sense.
I hate not having control and I feel so on edge that The next 'question' could come at anytime and be anything. I totally understand the high alert because that is exactly how I feel at them moment so it made perfect sense.
I guess also I am putting too much pressure on myself now to feel 'ok' and then that in turn makes me frustrated with myself which is when I seem to have those thoughts.
And I don't know if it is because of what happened on Wednesday, but the last two nights new memories have come up from my CSA in the form of flash backs during the night which I think is adding to my distress at the moment since I've woken up having panic attacks from them.
Why do our brains like to put us through this crap??? It really isn't fair 😞😞😞
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
That want for control is such a big factor @Former-Member and it's funny to think of sometimes because wanting control can have such negative connotations. For me it is wanting to control what happens for me, because so many of my issues have been at times when someone else has had control. I am imagining it being a similar thing for you. I want to know what's coming so I can prepare myself for it.
I was concerned for you about what talking about it may do (in at least the short term) with your husband as I know that for me, the times when I've felt most shaky (nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks etc) have happened when I've been put in a position where I've felt I've had to go over my story. It's opened something that left me feeling unable to put it all back in again. It can take some time to settle after it's all been opened up again. Trust that you went through what you did on Wednesday because you believed it was for the best, but know it's ok that it hasn't just fixed it all and it's ok to need to take some time to settle again.
And yep, it isn't fair at all. It's not fair that terrible things happen to people and it's not fair that those effects can linger for a long time. With you there too 💗
I was concerned for you about what talking about it may do (in at least the short term) with your husband as I know that for me, the times when I've felt most shaky (nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks etc) have happened when I've been put in a position where I've felt I've had to go over my story. It's opened something that left me feeling unable to put it all back in again. It can take some time to settle after it's all been opened up again. Trust that you went through what you did on Wednesday because you believed it was for the best, but know it's ok that it hasn't just fixed it all and it's ok to need to take some time to settle again.
And yep, it isn't fair at all. It's not fair that terrible things happen to people and it's not fair that those effects can linger for a long time. With you there too 💗
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Totally agree with you @CheerBear with that control. The traumas I have gone through, both past and recent, have all been out of my control, which I think now is why I need it so much, and the slightest 'loss of control' I feel seems to have big repercussions both physically and mentally.
I think I have just been thrown a lot of emotions in the last two days that I didn't think would surface now. I have dealt with them by myself and have been ablt to handle them except for this morning, which didn't end up going well.
I am sorry that you have been put into a position where you have had to go over your story. That must have been extremely difficult for you. I know people want to know to try and help you, but sometimes I feel like it does worse rather than better.
But I'll be ok, I am just have a 'why me?' morning. It will pass.
