RE: Darkness surrounds me

I know you can't see any hope at the moment @Former-Member ...... and even the thought of that is painful ..... but if you can find one seed of joy somewhere in each day, like an unexpected cool breeze across your face when it's hot ..... or realising that the water in the river is glittering like tinsel with the sun on it ..... or seeing the wonder of a strange cloud formation in the sky ..... it can be enough to just be alive in the moment ..... alive to the moment ..... and these moments are healing ......

Try not to look at the mountainrising up in front of you, and instead look at the few metres in front of your feet. Forget the mountain and make somethingmof the few metres.

I thought it was inventive of you in the moment to go to the bathroom, then your car to avoid someone whose company was unwanted. That's integrity @Former-Member, and it gives out the message that they have been a hurtful person. It's being true to yourself. You have values other than hope on board, and I hope you can invest in them.

In time you can build resilience to what others may or may not be thinking about you. At the moment, their thorn is still embedded in you ...... but the thorns will work their way to the surface and be plucked out, and then you will slowly start to feel feee of them.

Live the news of the brumbies ..... I have never seen them irl, and I am guessing the landscape is amazing ......

The one I avoided @Faith-and-Hope is actually the next door neighbor, moved mum here I never thought I was going to live here.As stated nothing went right for me,it was all a trainwreck.But I went to school with her,but we worked in the same place for over 20 yes.Weren't close but sat at the same smoko table.I know how they gossip as I listened to it enough. My niece works there now who I fell out with, and I hate to think what conversations have gone on .I didnt feel safe and didnt want to sit there knowing what I know they are.And it makes me look in the mirror... I don't like what I see.Got up late so might walk tonight,but feel worse when I don't start the day with a walk.Trying to have a rest before I start housework.

I feel worse when I don't start the day with a walk too @Former-Member .......

I know our situations are entirely different, but we have a train wreck in terms of what we thought our relationships and futures were going to be. I don't want to make the move and sacrifices that I need to make for our son's well being ...... and I am struggling hard with that ..... but I am moving forward this way to give him a future, and have to see what comes of it for the rest of us.

I am so sorry you have experienced that small-minded gossipy destructive :pile_of_poo:..... and it sounds like your neice is in good company amongst it all, unfortunately, but this time of caring for your mum is a chapter, rather than the whole novel. May there be something very rewarding, and somewhere other than that town, in your future.

💜

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope
I have had to be responsible for my mother all my life,felt like I have copped criticism only.I'm now off Jobsearch which is a relief as there are no jobs here but have struggled with my mother this year with her deterioration, should've been on carers a long time back to take pressure off.
Its finding that balance of caring and for yourself. The one thing I learnt through mental illness is the need to self care as I suffered burn out symptoms several times in my lifetime.
Your son is a tough one,as my mother is old,finding a long term solution for him is difficult.If we are unhappy that's no good either.
I don't trust my niece anymore @Faith-and-Hope,she tried to talk to me the other day and the truth....don't want to know her.
As mentioned,when my mother nearly died miss 25 year old and her younger sister excluded me from decisions regarding the care of my mother and mum reinforced them.Then this year googled my name and my sister and her conversation they had on Facebook mentioning me came up.I felt violated.That's why I hate this as my mother can take my life and Tomorrow treat me horribly. I to question everyday if life is worth it.If she dies, I will be homeless and I do need to get a job for my future.

These experiences may be helping to condition you for some future employment @Former-Member ...... we can't know for sure what will happen. I do know that earlier experiences in my life have helped to provide me skills that are helping me to manage in this moment, and I am thankful for that much.

Keep taking the best care of you that you can ...... you matter to us here you know ......

You take care too @Faith-and Hope. Just hope one day I can say I'm happy.

I hope that for you too @Former-Member ......

In the meantime, perhaps you will find a moment here and there of simple content .....

💜

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope
"Simple content=take a calmative!lol