RE: Darkness surrounds me

I know it is out of our control and I am trying to say it but not say it and it is just fkn to hard to deal with

I see the psychiatrist on Saturday thank god b/c these meds are really making my urges a lot stronger.

@outlanderok just bear with me for a moment and I am going to get some of it out if you are ok to listen to it

ears are open @Former-Member with hand to hold too

Ok, so this has happened twice now on two different occasions, one about 5 days ago and then another time 2 nights ago. I am getting triggered easier now than I have in the past in relation to the CSA. The last two times that I have been triggered, it has been hubby that has triggered me. Both times it brought on new flashbacks of the CSA that I havent had before. On both occasions I have ended up having panic attacks. Both times I have been able to remove myself from the situation by making excuses. On both times I have resorted to SH in a few different ways.

He doesn't know that he triggered me of course and in no way was he disrespecting me at all. But I can't tell him or else he will know some of the things that happened to me and I am not ready for him to know any of the details. (Got tears now) The worst part is that the last time it happened I didn't see hubbys face but HIS face and it scared the crap out of me. Now those two flashbacks I cannot get out of my head day or night. They have overtaken every part of me and I don't know what to do anymore.

I am trying to stay on here and distract myself to try and keep safe, but its getting harder and harder to do that. My SH is increasing and these new meds don't seem to be doing anything. I am so lost and feel powerless to even help myself anymore/

@outlanderI don't expect you to have the answers, I don't think anyone will, but thanks for listening. There is more but I think that is the most I can do for tonight.

@outlander

I saw my psychologist on Wed and told him but even he didn't have any answers for me. I am just so lost and came out just feeling like I am past the point of anyone being able to help me.

Thanks @Former-Member

I'm so sorry @outlander, I know you havent had a good day either. If you want to talk about it I am here for you too

@outlanderhavent thought of changing. He helped in the way of talking through coping strategies (which I tired and didn't help anyway), and said maybe hubby needs to come to another one of my sessions but it is just too hard. I feel so guilty. Hubby has done nothing but be supportive of me and then this happens. I hate all of this and I hate myself for putting him through this