RE: Darkness surrounds me

@Former-Member So true NellBell, so true xx

@Former-Member@Sans911 it is part of greenpea's nature to shrug it off ... only people really close know when it hurts but I will leave the door open and maybe she will come back into my life. I refuse to hold grudges they are toxic for lil greenpeas such as myself.

@Sans911you are right that even though all our stories are different we do understand.

Yes it hurts a lot, but I have realised I am not responsible for other peoples ignorance and lack of understanding. Just another day in paradise (hell) !!

Thanks @Bubbles3 I will read it at some time, just probably not today. However, I think it is extremely courageous of you to write your story down, something that must be hard to do

@Bubbles3@Former-Member Thank you Bubbles3 I will definately have a read when I am less buzzy ....

I just need to get it out of my head before it bursts!!

Meeting with my psychologist today was hard work and brought up alot of feelings that I try and surpress.

I am thinking about suicide more and more each day and have a plan on how I would do it. Would I ever move forward on that plan, I do not know. I hope that the thought of my hubby and children would keep me from getting to that point. But what is that point? Where is that breaking point where the thought of hubby and the kids is not enough anymore? I don't know the answer to that and it scares the sh*t out of me. My SH is getting to the "out of control" point. There seems to be a fine line between my SH and a SA and I'm trying hard not to cross that line.

Right now my thread title sums up how I feel. I have this darkness around me with a small flicker of light. I try and hold onto that light but it seems to be growing more distant with each nightmare and flashback. Each night scares the crap out of me to go to sleep, because I know what is coming. So I fight it as much as I can. But how long can that fight continue until I just give in? So many questions going on in my head and so little answers.

Yes @Former-Member, as @outlander said, are you safe? If not, please reach out to emergency services.

We all care about your safety here on the forums!