RE: Darkness surrounds me

how can this be happing to me

i have no family left, no sister, no mum, no brother no extended family all thrown away because of my mental illness. iv lost great friends (like family) in the past, iv lost my dad (even though he was a c....t in the first place)iv lost everybody because of my mental illness. who do i have left , my hubby and kids , who dont understand whats going on. so if no gives a sh*t about me anymore why should i be here.

iv had one old friend who i havent seen for 14 years call me today because she was worry about something i put on facebook.. we had a good long chat. i told her how much i was stuggling and how much we are stuggling with money and food at the moment and she even sent some money over to help out..how kind of her. . thats what familys should be doing not old friends that i havent seen for 14 years.

why does my family have to hurt me so much. they have always done it, left me , hidden things from me, left me to sort out my own mental illness. why , when there the people who i need help from. thats what family is meant to be all about. to be there and stick together and help each other. but no , not my family. it hurts so deep and it always has done. its always been my sister and mum agaianst me. has always been te same. it and i dont think it will ever change. maybe i need to get use to it. maybe i am the black sheep of the family. i always knew that from a very younge age but now now i know for sure.

all i do now is sit infront of this computer trying to talk to people (when sometimes i feel like i get left out). i dont know any of you . some people help, some dont. thats just the way it is. i cant change that.but i try my best to interact with everyone. this is the only place i have left. i have no one else. sometime i feel like giving up on here to.... i dont know. i get disheartened quickly and thats not anybody elses fault but my own. its just me. im to f*cked up for people to be interested in talking to me. thats the way it is in my real life to. everyone gives up on me. im to hard for everyone to deal with.

so im just left to myself with no one to help me. no one to talk to. no one to listen to me. no one to cry on there shoulders. no one to tell me , everything is going to be ok. im just alone in this big f*cked world with no one to help. so what does someone do when theres no help.......... the end. there has to be an end to this pain. the suffering. the tourcher. there just has to be.