How to accept help after a life of helping others

Hi @Shaz51@Phoenix_Rising@Zoe7@NikNik@Former-Memberand all the wonderful peep's who welcomed me to this forum earlier this month.

I haven't been around lately due to unforseen circumstances. I couldn't sleep tonight and thought I'd do some writing.

I've lost a dear friend this month due to a misunderstanding. He and I've been talking for around a year; it's been up and down, but mostly down the past few months. As we live in different states, the convo's have been via phone; we've never met.

I'm missing the banter. I'm missing him. As this thread suggests, helping others has been a life long 'duty' instilled in me early in life. Lately, I'm learning to accept help instead. His world's been turned upside down by mishaps and family upheaval. Our usual fun and laughter turned into hrs and hrs of complaints and non stop negative talk about himself. It was bringing me down lower than I've been in a long time.

A third party came into the picture; a common denominator for us both. He threw me in the middle of their arguments without notice expecting me to fight his battles for him. It was more than I could take.

I said my last goodbyes a week ago and we haven't spoken since. I feel guilty due to him relying on me so much and I'm not there. I realise this relationship ended up being toxic, and as I'm learning to put boundaries into place, I know it's for the best. But I'm grieving all the same.

I've been practicing positivity and this has challenged me due to falling into the habit of listening to negative stuff all the time. I didn't know it was happening until he wasn't there anymore.

Last time I was on this site, I had a lovely time with silliness and light hearted talk. It did me the world of good tbh. It's a shame it's so late; ah well. Next time...

It was good to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Hope

Wonderful to see you @Hope4me, my awesome friend

always here for you xoxo

Hi @Hope4me It is so nice to 'see' you back here - wondered where my little bug buddy had gone

Sorry to hear you have had a tough time lately with your 'friend'. It is always really hard to make those decisions when you know both of you will be sad but looking after yourself is priority number one - and even though it was a really difficult thing to do - and will definitely leave a large gap in your life for some time - it seems you made the right decision for your own well-being. That definitely takes alot of courage to do @Hope4me

Hi @Hope4me and hello to @Zoe7, @Shaz51, @Phoenix_Rising,

@Hope4me,

I am sorry to come to the conversation so late. I just wanted to say that I can absolutely relate to your position... I am a very empathetic person and I often get myself tied up in other people's problems - to my own detriment.

I have a friend who has exactly the same issues as me and we have been talking about this subject a lot.

At first, when someone tells me their problems I feel a wave of sympathy which actually feels quite good.... then I seem to go into 'empathy over-drive' where I ask a lot of leading questions about how they feel. etc. which can go on and on and on. This must feel extremely good for the other person! Who doesn't like being listened to?

And so, it continues with them calling me and me calling them and always talking about their problems.... to the point where I sometimes feel I may be actually preventing them from taking any action... as the talking can go around in circles and must be rewarding just in itself (rewarding for them, but not for me!!)

I do not want to do this anymore. I aways end up feeling "used", but it is my own doing. I allow my self to be suckered into that role- it feels natural for me. I honestly think it feels natural for me because as I was growing up, my Mum was a very unhappy woman and I always felt it was my duty to try and console her.... so I was trained into this role, at a very young age.

@Hope4me, your healing may take the form of being kind of 'selfish' for a while. You have to ask yourself "What are my interests?" and "What do I want to do now?".

It might be very hard to get out of the habit of always being the listener. You will have to work on it. At first, just be aware of your own behavior. It's hard to make sudden changes.

Then ask yourself, after yet another unrewarding conversation, what could I have said differently. I use the word "could" instead of the word "should". There is no use in putting a lot of pressure on yourself with the words "I should have..."

Think of some ways you might break into the conversation and introduce a topic that is all about yourself. Notice how it feels.

Anyway, nice to meet you @Hope4me.

Hi @Hope4me, It is superly duperly nice to see you back here. I'm sorry to hear you have lost an important friend over the past few weeks. Grief over lost relationships super sucks.

I want to thank @Phoenix_Rising@Sahara@Zoe7@Shaz51 for very kind responses.

One day/night we may be able to talk in real time. Until then, I'll have to stick to my late night visits. I've gotten myself into the habit of not sleeping until wee hrs of the morning. I sleep through the day until afternoon hits.

It's nearly 2am and I'm wide awake. I finished dinner an hr ago and just had dessert. Belgian chocolate icecream with stewed blackberries and apple. I was going to make a cobbler but thought the fruit would be nice on its own.

Hi @Sahara; your post describes me to a tee! I'm a pretty self aware person, so don't get me wrong, I've known about this habit of mine for quite a while. But like you, self insight only gets me so far. Practicing what I preach has to happen, but is really difficult. A life-time of thinking if I'm useful, I'll be lovable.

It occurs so much, I wonder if I'll be alone forever. I guess I've sort of accepted it to be honest. Learning to communicate in a foreign manner needs a mentor or teacher. I try to wing it, but old habits die hard I'm afraid.

I know you and your friend have spoken about it, have you come to a place where it's become a permanent change? Or like me, you have the theory down pat, but haven't got the practical application?

I'm listening to a 70's song - Winter in America by Doug Ashdown. It brings memories of my teens back. Doesn't music resonate with the past? There's a real 'feeling' associated with known past songs as opposed to great current ones. It's like smells; very triggering.

Bit of a random thought eh? Giggle...

God it's nice to just chat without focusing on helping someone. Your ritual of asking open leading questions (like a well seasoned psych) is so normal for me, I don't even know I'm doing it.

Many people say; "I feel so comfortable around you, I spill my guts in no time at all" I take a long breath and curse myself. My friend I spoke of before, ended up saying; "Come on! Tell me something to lift me up. You're so good at it"

Sigh...yes I am.

I did initiate personal convo's about me, but was interrupted (sometimes mid sentence!) or skillfully redirected without a thought for how it made me feel.

For every yin there's a yang. He's a well seasoned poor me victim to match my talent. 😕 Perfect match!!

Anyway, I could talk for ages, but don't want to bore people to tears. I hope there's some sense of interest in my words. Catch ya all later...

Hope x

Hey bug buddy @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @outlander and @Sahara

Been in quite a deep place past days, but am looking forward to some silliness if anyone's interested.

Have made myself a scotch and coke to spark up my arvo. Not much of a drinker, today though I thought I'd partake to break the monotony. 🙂

Helped my sis out picking out frames for new specs and had a late lunch. Was so tempted to spend $ on a nice gift for myself but resisted. Can be more expensive than therapy but more enjoyable lol

Will scout threads to see who's on. Cheers to all...

Hope x

Hiya my bug buddy - so nice to see you back and up for some silliness @Hope4me

@Faith-and-Hope is 'paying out on me' over on Am Not Coping - she knows she has one (or maybe several) up on me because I am soooooo tired - I WILL NOT be ther winner in this one LOL

Is it ok if I join in @Zoe7 and @Faith-and-Hope

Tired's alright if you're smart which I just 'know' you are! 🙂

It is certainly more than ok for me @Hope4me - I wouldn't want to presume to speak for @Faith-and-Hope but I will lol - come on over my bug buddy