How to accept help after a life of helping others

Good evening @Hope4me. My parents were unfortunately, and some of it was due to circumstances too. And I recall that you had terrible, brain altering neglect also in the hospital at birth, and throughout childhood with your Mum's personality 'challenges' shall we say. I was a placenta previa birth and in those days they often hospitalised the Mum, so Mum had to lie flat in a hospital bed in Sydney for over 4 months waiting for me to cook. So, with her schizophrenia and the stress of that & isolation you can imagine what that did to her mental state.

Mum and I were taken to a psychiatric hospital as soon as I was born and they separated me from her. Maybe this was for my safety because she had terrible post natal depression as well as a psychotic illness. But then Mum was discharged out into regional Australia, with no support, no psychiatrist, an incompetent, arrogant GP, no family within a 2 hour drive, unmedicated and with a little baby. Dad said Mum was so unwell, he'd come home from work and I was screaming my lungs out very distressed, and Mum hadn't picked me up or my nappy all day. Mum actually spoke to me about that time a couple of months ago without me prodding, we were talking about something else, and she said, "I was very unwell when you were born and I just couldn't look after you and I had to get someone else to do it" I don't know who that someone was because we didn't have home help or a nanny or family near by, I think she meant Dad.

I watched this program on Kanopy on the weekend about the first years of life and what this does to the brain and it made me wonder if that is why my dissociation was so debilitating. Some of the neglect was about the times and the ignorance around early child development, parental mental illness and being in regional Australia wasn't exactly a hot spring of medical expertise! Not much has improved in terms of mental health services. It was the best thing we ever did moving Mum back to Sydney where she was raised.

I hope that your preparations for the business are coming along OK out there @Hope4me. It's all very exciting and fulfilling. You must be absolutely sweltering out bush. Imagine being a koala or a baby joey in 45 degree heat.

Big hugs, and restful sleep,

Corny

Bit mentally spent atm @Corny

Thanks for more interesting info re your childhood and relationship with mum. Mine's improved too, but still wary of her volitile tendencies. Would love to respond as I have lots to add.

I might leave my response till tomorrow though lovely, brain's frazzled. Speaking of dissociation?!

Take care;

xo

@Hope4me@Corny

Thankyou @outlander; how lovely...

xo

goood morning @Hope4me

Sorry @Shaz51, was creating a birthday wish for Queenie and had some issues with pic's. There's a knack for getting them to appear properly. Some gif's are still playing up...

So it isn't morning now, but I do appreciate you mentioning me; thankyou...😘

Have a great day!

xo

Well, this is night 3 struggling to sleep. Between Centrelink, my employment agency and prospective employers I'm supposed to apply to, my mind is more unsettled than it's been for a long time.

I've had my benefit suspended...

I'm trying to keep it together tonight as I was on the phone to Lifeline two nights ago and the Mental Health Crisis line last night feeling suicidal. Each time I close my eyes, there I am 'working', face to face with clients and staff. I open my eyes, mindful of where I am and what I'm supposed to be doing...sleeping. It doesn't help.

The tasks I'm supposed to complete to receive financial support are confusing and overwhelming. Even more of a concern is how my business has been placed on the backburner while I struggle with application quota's. My confidence and sense of self is getting lower each day making it harder to focus and feel safe.

I feel like vomiting. Life shouldn't be like this.

This is such a sad place to be in. The complexities of ptsd from problems with my last employer are still there. My disorder is so invisible to others it's impossible to make them understand I don't cope like I used to.

I finally put one application in today which took me hours and hours to complete. The thought of working there has me in a spin. On paper I come across well educated, experienced and knowledgeable on all things relevant, but it's all smoke and mirrors.

What am I to do?

Hope for me you are the one person on an online forum I would break the rules for. I shouldn’t engage in triggering content when my head explodes and my spirit has had petrol thrown on it, and I feel like I am betraying my incredible psychiatrist when I do. But…….you’re very special.

I read how distressed you were and that the pressure from the government was really affecting your mental health. i hope that you are OK. I just wanted to drop a line, and say you are loved. Worthy. Courageous. Treasured. Important. And just an incredible human being.

I am literally at the darkest, point of my life and I have nothing to give, I am sorry beautiful Hope4me. So, I will not make much of an appearance on here, but I really wanted you to know that I care. I wish I had more in the tank.

To give it some context and why I’ve had such a strong reaction, our family has had some massive arguments over the last couple of months. We fight, like most families. But in one it has come out that my mother knowingly betrayed me in the most grotesque, perverse, sickening way that a mother could ever betray her little girl. No need to spell it out to ya hun, I think you can guess. She has incinerated my soul.

Everything makes perfect sense to me now and I am being flooded with new memories and realisations, my body is gyrating the gravity of it all, so I’ve thrown up a few times as you can imagine.

My relationship with her is over.

You don’t have to worry, my doc is amazing and said I can call him 24/7. I may have a week in hospital just to be safe. Just when you think the worst is over hey…….

Big soft squishy hugs to you

Oh dear @Corny; you poor wounded little girl...

I've only just found your post and am ashamed. Please can you tag me when you write next time as I rarely visit this thread?

Sigh...your life's been such a battle over the past few years since we met. Reading through your words I felt ill not being here for you. I'm worried. This episode seems climatic in the scheme of things; even volcanic.

The relationship with your mum has gone from one end of the scale to the other. How tragic my darling. You always had an inkling there was more to her than meets the eye but couldn't put your finger on it. She's now filled that gap to complete the big picture.

Considering how long it's been since you posted, I'm really concerned. I'm asking management if they can send you an email to see how you're travelling. Please respond and reply here too ok.

Your words to me about my situation (back in March) were beautiful as always. Even though your life was falling apart, you still managed to give. Thankyou...your strength is insurmountable. For me, life's back on track and my MH has settled. Nuff said about that...you're my main concern atm.

You know you can count on me hun. Just make sure you tag me ok.

I hope the stay in hospital went well and helped to ease this new burden and its triggering effect. Knowing you as I do, I'm sure you did what was best to survive yet another shock to your nervous system. Please don't forget we can heal our brains; neuroplasiticity.

I'll end this post now and contact mod's. Please just pop by and let me know how you are. The world needs your love, compassion and beautiful intelligence; so do I.

Love as always;

Hope xoxox